You know that moment before you go on stage, in front of a crowd of strangers, and your stomach churns your insides, gnawing at you and making you feel like you have heart burn? Have you ever wondered why? Is it because you think your going to trip in your heels? That you’ll be speechless and people will laugh?
I had to give a speech tonight. It was my graduation, and well I didn’t HAVE to give it, but I wanted to. Even though the very thought gave me mini panic attacks and nausea. I’m actually not THAT shy of crowds, especially a crowd of strangers, I mean what are they going to do? Laugh? Laugh all they want I’ll never see them again. But my parents make me nervous. It’s probably my inherent need to please them that makes me want to be good, and I’m not good hence the panic. But well I wanted to give the speech because it was my graduation, I wanted the experience and the adrenaline. I’ve been cooped up at home for ages, which might explain why people now make me nervous. Even so I gave the speech. *rolls eyes* I only realized afterwards how utterly arrogant it was but alas nothing can be done now except to improve my future speeches. Anyway it went OK. I faltered a bit on the second paragraph but I got back into the flow a little towards the middle.
My best friend Shafia Elahi has a brother Abdul Rehman who has this awesome motto ‘If your afraid of it, do it’. Beautiful right. I don’t know if it’s original but whatever the case it’s a pretty cool motto. It would make life fun right? Full of a kind of thrill. Keeping morals in check that is. You could accomplish so much if every time you got scared, instead of hitting the deck you embraced the fear head on. Easier said than done, but it’s worth a shot. Seriously though, we give other people too much credit, everyone gets nervous,its not the end of the world. Anyone can look confident but be weak inside, and its OK. Give people a break, as well as yourselves. We are not perfect, we are humans. Chill and next time your scared, hit the adrenaline.
I just had the most beautiful thought! The story behind it is kind of embarrassing but I’ll share it with you…….It’s not that long and you might not find it embarrassing but I do. I still do.
Since a couple of days I’ve been wondering what the point of heaven is……….see it’s embarrassing. Who wonders that? I felt scandalous of the thought but I couldn’t help thinking it. I’ve been stuck at home for a while now because of holidays and I can’t wait to go to university. So now you’re wondering how can someone not get it? It’s heaven. You get to do what you want…… Well that was the problem…..we get chances in this life to do what we want as well, and after a while it gets boring doesn’t it? You’ve always wanted to play a video game say ‘Naruto’ and you finally have the time. So you play, you play for hours, you play for days. But you get bored of it afterwards. I was wondering along the lines of, say you like to study, in heaven there’s no point of studying. Say you want to travel, there’s no where to go really. Say you like food…..how long exactly can you keep eating? I believe in Allah. I believe in hell and I believe in heaven. I just didn’t get it. The heaven part.
I felt stupid and I felt dumb. I felt like an idiot and a bad person. I still feel guilty. And I just had the sweetest beautifulest thought that just made me smile inside and out. It’s so utterly simple and so obvious.
If Allah can make this world, and we enjoy some of it to varying extents, can’t He make it for us if we wished it in heaven? Can’t He make it better? Can’t He make us, not bored? If we enjoy this, we’ll enjoy heaven even more. It’s not impossible. Allah has does it before and he can do whatever he wants. If we want our memories erased and to go on adventures, whatever, He can make it happen. Anything, ANYTHING beyond our wildest dreams. The answer is so simply elegant. <3
I just wanted to share that…..though it was hard to write……
P.S if you know me, and you are reading this. Please, never, NEVER mention it to me. EVER. Please and thank you!
It’s been days, I think I’ve forgotten
At the very least gone numb
Yet the dates I do watch
The days I do count
Sudden urges to talk, worrying endlessly
We’ve never been close
Yet the feelings do storm
The urges do come
Worry to frustration, bitter anger surfaces
You utter idiot, complete fool
Yet the facts do remain
The frustrations do come
I loathe you, but that is a feeling
Feelings you are not worth
Yet loathe you I do not
The feelings do come
Patience and faith, I did what I could
It’s your play now
Yet patient I am not
The faith does not come