I have a pretty bleak outlook on life sometimes. You might know it; it’s the one where you don’t really see the point in anything because you’re just like ‘ we’re all going to die anyway’. Or you can’t enjoy anything because it’s all so predictable. There’s the other outlook as well, where all you can think of is what might have been, how much you miss your friends, the old carefree times, how you’re not where you wanted to be in life, doubting your dreams etc.
Yeap, I go down that lane often. Too often. But today I had a thought. I miss my granddad, I miss my friends, but what if I’d never had those moments with them? The memories I cling to and cherish? Where would I be without them? WHO would I be without them? Looking back on those moments I shouldn’t fall on my knees in misery, I shouldn’t hug pillows to my chest and try to cover the gaping hole in my heart. I should remember and be grateful that fate had smiled on me so warmly. That I had had such a great granddad, that I had been so fortunate as to have had such awesome friends.
Looking back, take a deep breath and feel the euphoria. All those memories, all those people, they are with you. No one can take those times away from you. When you think that life is predictable, wake up and smell the sweet summer air because life is anything but predictable. That’s the beauty of it. No matter how sure you are, you’re wrong.
Yes, yes we’re all going to die, but does that mean we can’t have some fun before we go? That we can’t enjoy these things called emotions, that if allowed, can wreak havoc on our minds in the most beautiful of ways? Don’t buffer the love inside you, let other people feel it too. Don’t let the hate and jealousy fester inside of you, reason with it. It’s one thing to be realistic, it’s another to know the cold hard facts, and to play with them.
Be grateful for what you had, never lose hope that there won’t be more. If the current circumstances aren’t working for you, it’s OK to indulge in your memories of better times, it’s not living in the past, it’s finding a way to get through the present.
Time’s gone by
We never saw it passing
Each second with you guys
Taken for granted
Now with this gaping hole between us
My heart drops as the days pass on
Yearning for your company
For our souls to meet again
To think, there was a time
When you were all there
At the same place
At the same time
I won’t lie, I’ve fantasized about crimes
The world has me desperate
Fate has me frustrated
Tears brim behind my eyes
Your love gives me strength
Crumbling me at the same time
I’ll fight days, weeks, years
With the hope that we
We shall meet once again
All of us, at the same place
At the same time
I lack speaking skills. I don’t know what to do in informal situations. Sure in a debate I can survive but when it comes to complete randomness I’m at a loss for words(I’m not that great at debating either). The conversation seems utterly pointless to me and all I can think is, ‘so what?’ or ‘what’s the point of even talking about this?’ and what not. Then people think I’m quiet, so I talk. I say complete crap and it’s such a strain that when I’m free from the group I feel like I need a time out.
That’s where the beauty of friendship lies though. The fact that even complete crap feels relevant. That silence is comfortable. That just being with them is relaxing and you’re left wondering why you tried so hard with people you didn’t need. All you needed was them.
When I’m with people I usually force myself to say things, not all the time, just mostly. Why though? I shouldn’t talk just to make the awkwardness go away or because I feel that’s what is socially required. I should be comfortable in silence. Which I am not. Which I shall work on, spouting nonsense is pretty tiring. That’s why I respect quiet people a little, they don’t feel obligated to be in the conversation. They observe from the sidelines with cool indifference and only talk when the fancy strikes them. That is something I aspire to do. To speak when I want to.
Hypothetically, what if I never want to? Well logically even then it’s fine. Who is society to tell me when to talk?
Why oh why is it so hard for people to believe that someone does something for someone else simply out of the goodness of their heart? Ulterior motives, seriously? Is that why you do everything? Just goes to show how self serving you are. The problem though is the fact that since a majority of the population is self serving they all think along the same track. Hence you’re misunderstood, but they don’t know that. They think they have you pinned.
These people seriously need a vacuum for their thoughts; suck them all into a dirty grimy tube where they belong and hope their head stays clean. Ok the last part was a little extreme, but I wanted to use a description, a dramatic description.
You probably already know this, but people are pretty willing to discard logic and empathy during an argument, the time when you need them the most. They’ll call you names, suspect your motives and stick to their stance stubbornly because now pride’s in the way as well. If they lose the argument that means their ego will get affected. It doesn’t matter to them how what they’re doing is affecting someone else, or that they’re being unjust. No, they must win, at any cost.
You cannot win an argument where logic has been sidelined. What will the premises be? What are the boundaries? It’s so frustrating. I feel like making them sit down and say look, this person here, yeah they have feelings too, as well as rights, don’t overstep them so that person who you want to win gets an unfair advantage. I am not against the said person, I’m just saying, let the proceedings be fair. Let all the candidates be on equal ground. Is it such an abominable thought?
We need to stop letting friendships cloud our judgement. I am sick of people getting opportunities just because they know the right people. Where’s the justice? If you’re the one giving someone an opportunity or award simply because you like them or know them, you are answerable. You are answerable to everyone you stole it from. The problem is that we don’t care about that, unless we’re the one’s being cheated. We need to take responsibility and make other people take it too. Nepotism needs to end. Yes we’re your friend, we love you, but what’s wrong is wrong. I hate people who are prejudiced, who can’t make unbiased decisions or look at both sides of an argument. Instead of fighting, we should put our egos to the side and discuss things with our heads, make compromises and promote people based on their abilities, not connections. Try to hurt as less people as possible, reason with them, make them happy. Yes, you can’t please everyone but is it insane to try? Is it ridiculous to be reasonable? Is justice wrong?
I always do this shit. I pin expectations on people, get self conscious around them, and all for nothing. This has got to end. I’m too old for this shit. Focus. Focus.
I need to stop these fantasies here and now. They’re so utterly pointless. They just make you feel like an idiot. But what can I do if I have an overactive imagination. Imagination and thoughts are so beautiful, but they’re distracting. What to do, what to do. Maybe if I didn’t let people get to me. Easier said than done. You know, I’m most comfortable around strangers. The more I get to know people, the quieter I become. MAJOR problem. What am I doing? Shit I’m talking to myself again. Dammit.
I walk into the university campus and wander around the corridors, openly staring down all the people who have the misfortune to pass by me on this fine cloudy day. I was Arya Chaching, I was an author, I had a blog, I could do what I wanted without having to worry about what people thought about me. Besides I only stare for sociological reasons…… and well because I’m a writer, I need to observe. I can’t help laughing at the thought. Bahaane.
I’m late for class again. I don’t care. I will take my own sweet time because not only have I got no one to impress, but the weather’s so beautiful. I’d rather be out here than in a stuffy room which has barely enough oxygen for a dozen people let alone the hundred or so that squeeze in. I trudge towards class, it’s going to be ok, everything’s going to be fine. To my right a hawk swoops down and grabs a twig from the lawn. I stop and stare, awed. It’s so huge, it’s so cool. It glides away with it’s spoils and I watch it shrinking in the distance.
Refreshed I continue my journey and sing to myself. Today is a good day.
I walk in class, everyone turns around and stares. Cheeks aflame I sit down on the nearest seat I can find. Shit. Back to notch one.