Thoughts suffocate thy

I always do this shit. I pin expectations on people, get self conscious around them, and all for nothing. This has got to end. I’m too old for this shit. Focus. Focus.

I need to stop these fantasies here and now. They’re so utterly pointless. They just make you feel like an idiot. But what can I do if I have an overactive imagination. Imagination and thoughts are so beautiful, but they’re distracting. What to do, what to do. Maybe if I didn’t let people get to me. Easier said than done. You know, I’m most comfortable around strangers. The more I get to know people, the quieter I become. MAJOR problem. What am I doing? Shit I’m talking to myself again. Dammit.

I walk into the university campus and wander around the corridors, openly staring down all the people who have the misfortune to pass by me on this fine cloudy day. I was Arya Chaching, I was an author, I had a blog, I could do what I wanted without having to worry about what people thought about me. Besides I only stare for sociological reasons…… and well because I’m a writer, I need to observe. I can’t help laughing at the thought. Bahaane.

I’m late for class again. I don’t care. I will take my own sweet time because not only have I got no one to impress, but the weather’s so beautiful. I’d rather be out here than in a stuffy room which has barely enough oxygen for a dozen people let alone the hundred or so that squeeze in. I trudge towards class, it’s going to be ok, everything’s going to be fine. To my right a hawk swoops down and grabs a twig from the lawn. I stop and stare, awed. It’s so huge, it’s so cool. It glides away with it’s spoils and I watch it shrinking in the distance.

Refreshed I continue my journey and sing to myself. Today is a good day.

I walk in class, everyone turns around and stares. Cheeks aflame I sit down on the nearest seat I can find. Shit. Back to notch one.

19 thoughts on “Thoughts suffocate thy

  1. You really are an excellent writer :). Not sure why I feel the need to share this but hopefully you ‘know’ me enough by now to know I’m also weird:) so here goes: I play around with visualizing that part of my sub-personality that feels awkward and lacks confidence…I picture that part of me standing at a top of a mountain and get that part of me to say “I have Value”. At first that part goes “yeah right, who are you trying to kid”, but then if you keep at it…eventually its shouting it to the world, with feeling and passion. Its my own personal ‘pick me up’. Ok I’m done :D. Have a fantastic weekend staring at people :D.

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  2. When you feel like impressing people again, you can learn the dance of seduction. Well, truth be told it might leave an impression as opposed to impressing.
    A video is found under chapter ten in ‘Am I Amazing Yet?’ of my blog – 1950 Suburban Adventures.
    Every day is a good day if we can laugh at ourselves.

    Like

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