On duty dawn

From my window of Gynaecology Unit 2, District Headquarters Hospital, Faisalabad, Punjab, Pakistan, in the wee hours of the morning, in between patient CTGs.

Love strum

To be able to roam around on a whim
Clouds and bird being the epitome of freedom
Always shaking my hand free of any restraint
To skip and dawdle and run

To do as I please with a mischievous grin
My eyes taunting and laughing at my mum
Telling her it’ll be okay and not to be so faint
To do nothing and everything and nothing and everything

To love someone to the brim
All the while knowing my adventures make him glum
A man of rules and constraint
To keep me safe and close and plum

To laugh at my fate of falling for such an antonym
All the while knowing my love has me strum
Yet always searching for his hand without taint
To love and to hold and to cherish

To tease him with my eyes as I skim
Clouds and birds being the epitome of freedom
Yet he being the colours, the strokes, the canvas to all I paint
To hold his hand as I skip and dawdle and run

There’s an alone only I know

And as I sit on the other side of the wall, unable to sleep from the bruises and the loneliness; to have you to close yet so far and indifferent. The bruises are getting slightly numb from the cold and I thought my feelings were too as I listened to your carefree laughter from the room. But as I type this, some tears spill free. Tears I had wanted to flow but that couldn’t make until I put these thoughts into written words.

Gazing at the snow capped mountains and the twinkling stars, I wonder why I ever forgot I was always actually alone. How had I let myself slip this far. And a new resolve simmers though I fear for its short lifespan because how can I be mad at the person I love with all my heart. Yes it hurts, I can’t sleep from the mental and physical pain, same as yesterday. But I had also just yesterday read a quote by Paulo Coelho that I told myself I would try to live by and learn be grateful.

Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.

And happy days I have had. So I shall smile and act as though nothing has changed and all is fine but deep down, I just rediscovered my long lost truth. I am alone. ~ 1706

How to love

And here I always thought I loved you more

Now I blink against my selfishness

And the carelessness with the which I treat you

You take my hand, and show me it was never a competition

I never knew I could trust

I never knew I could ever trust completely

Experience has taught me to expect anything

Did you know, I don’t even trust myself

I never knew feeling myself trust would be this terrifying

But I have knots in my stomach and if I think too much about it, I can’t breathe right

But I’ve never met anyone who kept their word like you

I don’t fancy myself a liar, but sometimes even I don’t mean what I say so completely, so literally

And as I question my own sincerity, I blink against your raw honesty

It’s dazzling, magnificent

I find myself having faith in it, trusting to put it mildly

I had well constructed solid walls that I can feel dissolving

But all good things end, and nothing lasts forever, I know this

I’m a woman of common sense, so this complete trust in another human confounds me

Not even my father always keeps his word or his story straight

That’s not fair, I know you’ve had your moments of hypocrisy

But you alway believe in what you say, fiercely

And I’ve joked that you shouldn’t be so quick to judge

But I’ve never met someone who means what they say as much as you

What a pleasant surprise to add to the list of reasons I love you

For I didn’t need reasons and yet here you are, blinding me in admiration

I’ve seen people change, people I thought I knew

I’ve vowed to not let anything surprise me

Years of pain engraving the lessons

And yet here I am, watching my heart slip

It was scary accepting the torrent of emotion I have for you

I didn’t even realise I was capable of this sort of trust

Yes, I have seen a lot and I know people are fickle

Yet here I am, coming to terms with a fresh realisation

I’m beginning to trust you completely

And with this I give you even more power

I dug my grave the moment I gave you a chance at my heart

You already had to the tools to end me

But with this, I’m not sure what’ll be left

I’ve tested you countless times and I still will

But now I’m no longer hoping you fail

What a silly fool.

Lost

And it’s as though each tragedy and miracle unhinges me a little more from reality.

I’ve been lost for a long time. But now I can’t even see the shore.

To describe it to another I would say it’s like floating. Where nothing is real, and dreams and ‘reality’ morph. Unable to tell which from which.

Moments where I have to literally wake myself up from the haze, blink and look around. Trying to ground myself. Endlessly trying to anchor and tell myself that this is where I am, this is reality.

Would you believe me if I say that’s been me since the last 3 years?

Would you believe me if I say, no one’s noticed?

I barely notice at times, I’m a highly functional mess after all.

The biggest problem is, I can’t find where the break is… is it the pain? Is it the betrayal? Is it the world shaking, mind numbing, incomprehensible events that have toyed with my feelings and uprooted my world time and time again?

I’m lost. That’s the only insight I have unto this mess.

I often wonder if it’s my adamant stance to stick to my beliefs, to want to believe them even though they’re the reason I’ve been pounded repeatedly.

I want to care, but as I lose myself, I find myself drifting. Being unable to do basic things.

I want to care and when I realise how laid back I’ve become I don’t recognise myself.

Too tired to make efforts. Too lost to pay attention. And therein lies most of the problem.

Neither here nor there.

Refusing to let go mentally when in reality by dissociation I guess I have.

And that makes me someone I do not want to be.

Huh.

Maybe that’s it.

What do I do about the pain though?

That’s a plan I can try. Take a deep breath and try to forget. Try to forgive.

It stings. My heart aches but I’ve been nursing it for so long maybe it’s time to stop babying it and retreating into myself.

Feeling sorry isn’t changing anything.

Denial only temporarily muffles the blow and regret can’t change facts..

I know all this.

But what choice do I have but to don the armour and go back to battle?

To be more conscious of my actions and not make excuses for myself.

To allow myself to accept the good without waiting for it to implode and add another scar.

I just want to wake up from the haze.

Doodling 0.0

Come home safe

Words can’t describe how I feel
Yet here I am, writing them down

Contentment, joy, bliss
Heart bursting love, aching worry

For all that we have, can be lost
Our days are numbered; months, days, years

Can I hold your hand for eternity?
Say nothing, do nothing, just stay here

Melt into your eyes
Keep you safe from the world

Words can’t describe how I feel
And here I am, trying to breathe right

Come home safe, come home fine
I’ll keep this pain to myself

You fight your battles
I’ll fight mine

Meet in the middle
Time after time

Words can’t describe how I feel
So here I am, praying to the Divine

Dawn of a new day

dawn

Khussa overdose


(Khussa is the name of this type of South Asian footwear)

This is a photograph captured by my friend Amara Maqbool while she was I out shopping in Islamabad, Pakistan. 

I loved this picture when I saw it on her instagram story and asked her to send it to me so I could share it with you. 

Smile

They think I’m strong
I’m stubborn and independent
Maybe that’s what fooled them

I can do what needs to be done
Pushing forward, feelings aside
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt

I care too much
Get attached too easily
Disappointment and heartbreak 1-0-1

They think I can fight my battles
Like I said, I can do what needs to be done
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t need help

I’ve learnt to do everything myself
Self preservation more than anything else
Better not hope than cry all the time

Don’t be alarmed
Though yes, this is self pity
But like I said, I’ve grown used to it with time

They think I’m strong
I laugh and cry
Keeping up the act and dying inside

Patriotism levels were high yesterday


Photograph taken on 14th August in Faisalabad, Punjab, Pakistan. 

14th August 1947 is the day Pakistan gained independence from British rule and established itself as a Muslim majority country separate from India. 

The day is celebrated with zeal and zest unlike any other holiday in the year. It is the day we remember the sacrifices our countrymen have made to make this country and celebrate how far we’ve come. 

This picture is a mere snippet of the enthusiasm with which every Pakistani joins in the festivities. People dress up whether they’re going out for a quick shop or to parade the streets singing nationalist songs. 

As you can see, no one misses out on the fun. 

Bachelorette party for the bestie 

Easy bachelorette/bridal shower party decor ideas anyone can do.

DSC_0234 (2)

Now or Never

Maybe I am a bit of an emotional wreck
I think with my heart first and last
Writing helping calm this anguished soul
Unable to escape the present and past

It’s all one and the same
These illusions of time never fooled I
But how do I convey the essence of now
To one who remains distant though I fail to fathom why

We’re getting too accustomed to being hurt by one another
Learning to live without
Learning to expect little
Learning to doubt

Have the years taught us nothing?
Are we really still running these same old dreary loops?
Time and time again
While our youth and love droops

I feel as though I have been impeccably clear
Though you have always evaded with a jeer
The ball’s in your court
I await your verdict with a tear

The clock is ticking
Now or never
And here we stand
As confused as ever

Your piece

Walking on the path back home
Recounting the day gone by,
Dwelling over your own special bits
While kicking stones with a sigh
You look up, taking in your street
Not as a person who belongs,
But as a person passing by
Appreciating  its uniqueness
Seeing it through a strangers eye
Your soul was chosen to live on this road
This was your own little story
The corner that was your piece of the sky
Everyone had their own fragment
Painting their world with a different dye
That is not to say
That those with the same piece
Would be sure to see eye to eye
For you see we each have our own past
Not just a facet of places
But a million things gone awry
An amalgam of emotions and history
That morph even the same places
To our own special piece of the sky

It’s not so easy to understand

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

How can I explain all I feel?
As though words can do a shadow of justice to this turmoil inside

It almost feels like a betrayal
Quantifying this overwhelming love I recognize

I know we don’t talk much
I don’t quite understand it myself but I can’t shake away this knowledge

Yes, I saw you
Though we were two blurs in the crowd, I saw each and every one of you

I’ve spent too much time worrying about you
Thinking of you as my own and now as I look back, it’s hard for me to stop

We may never have even talked
But your pain was and is my pain, and your happiness was and is my happiness

You are a part of me
Wherever our paths may take us, you always will be

Even now I’m blank
And these words I’ve managed to get out don’t do you much credit

I may have been merely a means
How sad am I to have let you all in my heart

Where you wreak havoc
Because I expect too much from people who don’t realize I have feelings too

The depth to which I care
Astounds and saddens me, fills me with love and joy, all at the same time

You weren’t just a duty
To me we were all akin to family

I wonder though
Whether I was merely a means. Whether you’ll miss me, as I will you

How pathetic am I?
I probably need therapy

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

Parwaz’16 Inauguration Photobooth

Parwaz is the annual college magazine of Punjab Medical College Faisalabad. Parwaz is an Urdu word meaning to rise, soar or fly. I was assigned with making the back drop for the inauguration which was held on the 19th of April 2017.

I am so unabashedly proud of this xD Most of my original art ideas turn out crap. Literal rubbish. Horrible. But this one was so cute, pretty and elegant. *sigh*

So what is it composed of?
The framework consists of two poles with golden wires strung and intertwined between them. Crepe paper and newspaper flowers have been suspended from the wires along with black birds cut out of computer paper.

Picture Credits: Gulzam Hafeez

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From left to right: Chief editor Parwaz’16 Dr Rabia Anam, Principal PMC Dr Fareed Zafar, ex-HOD Pathology department Molazim Hussain Bokhari and Deputy Chief Editor Parwaz’16 Dr Abida Batool

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