The double meanings
The subtle hints
They can’t be entirely fictitious
They were most definitely there
Here I was frustrated
Here I was shocked
That I was wrong for so many years
That my delusions had soared that far
Why twist me in such knots?
Why drag it on so long?
Worst part is, I wonder if it was unconscious
Worst part is, I’m still making your excuses
I am so completely drained
I am so completely done
The answer is no clearer
The answer is I must answer
Hell to the no.
The decor for the Pre-Chaand Raat party this year. ^^
‘Chaand raat‘ literally translated to ‘Moon night’ is what we Urdu-speaking Muslims call the last night of Ramazan when the moon is sighted, signalling the end of the holy month. Ramazan is the 9th month of the Islamic calendar in which Muslims all over the world fast from dawn to dusk and it is a very spiritual time for most of us.
The month of Ramazan can be of 29-30 days depending entirely on the moon. For the past 2-3 years it’s been for 29 days.
Everyone is usually busy on the actual chaand raat with preparations for Eid ul Fitr (the first couple of days of the month following Ramazan i.e Shawal), the three days of celebration after the month of fasting, or with family members who are coming back from ‘itekaaf‘ (voluntary seclusion from society to pray and strengthen personal faith, to be closer to Allah during the last 1,3,5,7 or 10 days of Ramazan) and so we usually have the party for friends and family on the night of the 28th of Ramazan at aftar time (the time when Muslims break their fast at dusk).
Iman and I did the decor in a night with some motivating helpful ideas from Pinterest.
‘Eid Mubarak’ or ‘Happy Eid’ is the greeting (accompanied with hugs and kisses) that is used on the three days of Eid. ‘Almost Eid Mubarak’ is a weird kind of joke, no one says that just to clarify. xD
Fact is, the more you dwell the more insurmountable it seems.
I’ve been kind of obsessing again lately. All the things I wish were different, the whole ‘if only’ streak. It’s hard letting go of something you thought was the truth all those years. You wonder and you wonder of ways in which you could be wrong now just to justify your past delusion; but you have to accept it and work from that.
My coping mechanism for a terrible world is sleep. To just lay in bed, curl up with a layer of blanket hugging me and just drift off. So that’s been me the past couple of days. I caught myself mid process just now, realizing what I was doing and thought I’d write about it. Come up with a motivating solution. It could help.
Pity parties just come naturally to me. One thing gone wrong and I spiral into a vast ocean of all things to go wrong ever and how life sucks, and I do too kind of. Not everything is the end of the world. I should know that as well as all those unfortunate people out there who have the same tendency.
One great example is how I got a tad depressed over my siblings and cousins going out to a new eatery while I was out of town. It sounds like a small thing but my mind blew it wayy out of proportion and I was hugely down for a couple of hours. Turns out (I found out a few days later) that they never even went, they simply walked in, sat down and walked out. So I basically obsessed over nothing and ruined part of a pretty good day.
So what shall I do now? The problem at hand isn’t exactly small by any measure, objectively or especially subjectively. And what really has me pensive is wondering if I should be doing something. But I can’t think of anything. I’m at a stalemate and what I really want to do is leave it to destiny.
It sounds weak but I think sometimes it’s okay. When you can’t think of any plausible solution, when you’ve been deluded for years, and when you have indeed tried your best. Destiny is destiny, you work hard but at the end of the day whether you work or not, you get what you get. Try as hard as you can and leave the rest to God.
You can’t ever predict your life. Some things are up to fate. Try not to life pass you by while you obsess because that will happen, and it will happen without you even realizing it. Plus self pity gives you an excuse to go easy on yourself. ‘It’s okay if you didn’t give your porject 100%, shit was happening’ or ‘So what you weren’t there for your friend, you were going through your own hell’. *sigh* I’ve been guilty of both and a lot more the past year.
It’s easy to let yourself off. But time doesn’t come back. It’s not fair to you, or those around you. You’ll regret wasting so much energy on something you couldn’t have done anything about. All the mental tension and strain, how it influenced your life, will all have been for naught. Live your life and give things your 100%; no excuses. Leave to fate things you can not control. Breathe. It will be fine.
Breathe. Focus on the present.
I like to think I can understand a person’s situation. Put myself in their shoes and get a perspective. But time and time again I hit a blank wall. I cannot imagine how any living being can be cruel.Without reason. Like don’t you see what you’re doing?! How do you not see yourself!
Today some neighbourhood kids brought over a small, skinny, ginger coloured kitten;not more than a month or two old. She was a timid but friendly little thing. Never complaining when we picked her up, one after the other, to pet and fawn over her. I got some milk to give her and she periodically drank some, wandered around and drank so more, all the while meowing ever so sweetly.
After a while one of the adult neighbourhood cat’s wandered into the garden, eyes locked on the kitten. She was ginger coloured as well so I assumed she may be the mother who’s come to take her kid. With the kitten playing a few steps beneath where I was sitting the cat lunged at her, encompassing the tiny creature and biting viciously.
I was shocked and horrified. I had expected her to pick the kitten up and take her home. I had never seen anything like this in all my experience with kittens. When I realized something wasn’t right I jumped up and scared the cat away with the help of my housemaid. We stood there stunned when she was gone, looking at each other in horror. I couldn’t grasp what had happened. But I didn’t fully panic till I saw the blood beginning to pool around the poor things feet. This was beyond anything I could ever imagine. I’d heard about these things, I watch ‘Discovery’ and ‘National Geographic’, I’m not a stranger to predator-prey relationships. I don’t not know that animals kill one another…..but I never imagined this.
I ran inside to get some cotton and gauze to stop the bleeding some but by the time I got back she was lying in a pool of blood…..close to lifeless. I knew I couldn’t help her. I could barely look at her. I felt weak and helpless, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch her die. I stood outside, and calculated the chances of me saving her.
She had lost too much blood….. There was no one home to take me with her to the vet….I didn’t even know of any vets or veterinary facilities…. I couldn’t see me doing anything. I wished I had some morphine to inject her with so she wouldn’t be in pain. But my own helplessness…the suddenness….her life ebbing away…I was in shock. Why?! Why?? I stood there. Blank. Trying to come up with something. I was there when it had happened. I had let it happen. I should have done something sooner…
She passed away. I still can’t believe it. I keep seeing the cat lunge and the lifeless body in the pool of blood. I can’t process it…. My mind just gets kinda numb.
What does this mean? If something so horrible can happen right in front of you… for NO REASON… how can you ever save the people and things you care about? Is that life? Danger everywhere? For the first time I kind of actually first hand understand my parents insane protectiveness a bit. I mean there’s little you can do after something has happened. And you can never undo it. You don’t even know if you can fix it…. My dad always says better safe than sorry…
I don’t know. I don’t know.
Maybe tis as they say
Thee soul yearns for angst
Yet ache it does
Ache it does
To discourse casually through this pain
Thee heart is weak
Yet thou is needed
Thou is loved
Thy name is enough to set thee aflutter
Not a fan of confrontation
Yet what does thou know?
What does thou think?
Drowning in the regrets and what ifs
Thee wounds run deep
Yet is it too late?
Can we clean the slate?
What does it mean? To be a friend. To laugh around a coffee table, walk through school corridors, have lunch together? To be there through everything, good or bad. What is it really?
Is it time? Does time together simply add up and you grow comfortable with a person or a routine?
What if you disagree on things, important things? What if you have a fight? What if their viewpoints and thoughts conflict with your own?
A friend is someone who thinks of you.
A friend is someone who will be there for you.
A friend is someone you can differ with without the love diminishing.
A friend is someone who is honest with you.
A friend is someone who loves you.
Friends have ups and downs. There may come a time when your friend does something you think you can never forgive them for. You think that things can never go back to how they were. But if you try to make things work regardless, it’s worth it. If you abandon them when things seem bad or are bad, just think, who will be there for them if not you? What if it was you who was going through the thing, wouldn’t you want someone to reason with you rather than just turn the other way?
You may not think they’re listening but what you say does matter.
Your friend deserves the truth. When he/she asks for it, give it; even if it’s not something they want to hear. That’s the hallmark of a true friend. Not being afraid to say what needs to be said, or giving an honest opinion. Not to mention being there even when the friend fails to follow your advice.
As you grow older and with more and more things to deal with, you may grow apart from your friends and when you disagree it may just be easier to take them out of your life. You have a new life now, with a different circle and you hardly see them anyway. Personally though, I don’t think you should let go of a friendship based on how hard it is for you to deal with them. They’re a part of you, no matter what. If you love them, work past the pain and hurt. That may just be because I can’t cut anyone out of my life, but it’s also because I don’t believe in it. Once a part of you, always a part of you. Cutting people out is giving up on your relationships, and no worthwhile relationship is without a bit of work and a bit of compromise. Respecting differences is applicable to anyone you meet.
I may be wrong, I may have missed things out or maybe been a bit too masochistic for some people. Let me know in the comments.
Been ages since I wrote anything…. been contemplating to start for a week before I actually made it back here.
It’s just that my Facebook is getting crowded, Twitter too a bit.
Well my insecurities are growing alarmingly fast. I hate how I don’t feel like talking most of the time, but I want to be heard and matter at the same time. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t want to be an attention freak…I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just want to matter, my opinion to matter. Worst part is, I don’t think it matters myself how can other people?
And as if I didn’t have enough insecurities all these thoughts make me hate myself even more. *sigh*
I just want to go to a new place and start over. Or I just want to go to a jungle, desert, mountain, lake anywhere and just get lost in nature and see who I actually am. I feel like myself only when I’m alone or think I’m alone, the former being when I’m alone somewhere and the latter when I’m someplace new and no one knows me and I can say and do as I please.
Maybe I’m just a born loner.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this here…it’s public…but I want to. A bit.
I wonder how people can be so carefree… be quick at making decisions and be sure of themselves.
I understand jokes. I understand playful teasing. I understand lines.
I love freedom; the notion that I can do what I want if the fancy strikes me. But no matter which way I think of it, I see boundaries of even that. The boundaries that make me human; a functional, analytical, empathetic, emotional being. Something that separates me from your average primate. The more you let yourself go the more animalistic you are. As I’m writing this I have this feeling I dreamt of something similar last night. Something about having control over yourself. I wish I could remember, I think I learned something.
Anyway, so many people I know go over these boundaries and don’t even think twice about them. They seem to think that they’re just being truthful, or that they’re being themselves…. I’m all for being yourself, but not if it’s hurting someone. We humans are so weak, so little can wreak so much havoc in our minds and if you think that’s not true then you’re in denial. You’re repressing it, and that repression makes you cold. You don’t see people’s feelings anymore because you’re denying yourself of your own too. Feeling, its not so bad my friend. It has its highs and lows, but it shows you what you want in life. It makes a day interesting, and you see people as people just like you rather than as a sea of enemies out to get you.
I do a lot of stuff that I want to. But the lines I have made are the ones that I hope make my parents happy. I try and keep within the moral code of religion. Then there are the ones that I have to protect people ( My siblings being the exception)(It’s just hard being nice to them)(I am trying though). You have no idea what someone is going through, you have no idea what might hurt them, you have no idea if all their laughter is fake and they’re just really brilliant actors. I’ve met so many people who fall in these categories that social conversations get confusing😛 haha, nah it’s ok. You won’t be like that.
I don’t know. Basically what I’m trying to say is that, find your boundaries. Especially in this day and age where every other facebook post, tweet or anything is basically telling you to be yourself and not care what people think. I agree, but people are taking it to mean be as rude as you want without any regard for anyone else. Assess what you would or wouldn’t do and why. You’ll find your framework. It won’t restrict you, it’ll make things clearer for you and you won’t do as much things that you’ll regret. You’ll be happier with yourself and decisions will be easier to take and follow through.
It all comes down to, what’s important to you?
What type of love tears you up inside?
Makes you want to abandon all you believe in
That too without even being asked?
What type of love makes you retreat into yourself?
Makes you struggle over thoughts and words
That too without any care or concern?
What type of love fills you with such desperation?
Makes you willing to love through your own hell
That too without any gratitude or acknowledgement?
What type of love leaves gaping holes in your heart?
Makes you yearn for mere words, true or not
That too without compassion or even a thought?
I’ll tell you
The wrong kind
And sometimes its just you. It always has been, you’re just so damn good at fooling yourself.
It’s nothing he says with an indifferent shrug
Nothing more than usual, worry not
Facade calm and strong
Is it true or not?
With a hand he waves away all but’s
Shaking his head, worry not
Facade sure and dismissive
Is it true or is it not?
Not once does his posture waver, upright, confident
Trivial matters, didn’t I tell you; worry not
Facade decisive and bored
Can it be true or not?
Searching eyes left short, an act so complete
Am I foolish to not worry not?
Facade condescending and fond
I hope it’s true, no nots
Is it so bad to live in a fantasy world? What even is reality? What if you just took some facts from the ‘real’ world and molded them into you’re fantasy? Plausible deniability.
Ok wait what even is reality? I mean we hardly ever have all the hard facts anyway. We have a few and we deduce the rest. Is it reality when you’re deductions are cynical and a fantasy when you dream for beautiful things. Other people will say so. They’ll say you’re lining yourself up for disappointment, sure that may be possible, but what you think will happen isn’t going to affect what will happen. So at least the moment till the truth hits is magical. Whereas for the realists it’s bleak. The end will be the same. (Though Noetic Science suggests our thoughts affect the outcome, just saying) What if the end was great? You didn’t waste your time and mood in worry. If it didn’t work out, well for a moment you thought it would, you had hope. Worry cripples you, hope paints a picture that adds a skip to your step. Life’s too short to spend all that time worrying and anticipating the worst.
I’ve been depressed for so long I got sick of it. I choose my fantasy. The world where I will travel across the globe. The world where I can start an orphanage and school. The world where I can be a book author. The world where the little things don’t bug me so much. The world where I can make a difference. The world where adventures are real not just in books. The world where anything is possible.
I’m a very nostalgic person. Someone who looks back and wishes she had more time. Sometimes impatient with the present while comparing it to the past. But as I mentioned in a previous post I found a little idea on how not to let it bother me so much. It goes along the lines of,’ at least it happened’. You know, at least I have those memories to cherish, what if I never had them? I wouldn’t trade them. You can draw strength from the good times to get through the bad.
Isn’t it amazing how you had such a good time in the past you can’t stand the present? It’s a credit to your past. And come on, you can’t have it good all the way through life. Through the present, let the past power the light in your eyes and the brightness of your smile.
Spread the love. Keep yourself happy. Brighten up other people’s world with your optimism too. Happiness is a state of mind you make for yourself. If you want to be sad you’ll find a thousand reasons, if you want to be happy you’ll find a thousand reasons. Depends what you’re looking for.
Reality usually has loopholes.
Heart aching ever so slightly
Pangs that came before,and now and then
Too painful to take lightly
Too inconsequential to take out a pen
What is has always been
Futile thoughts swimming, before,now and then
Too imposing to be left unseen
Too daunting to face therein
They said I was smart
Practicality never seemed more far-fetched
Too subjective to let emotions part
Too strung to dream of getting unlatched
Fact of the matter is I like it
I am my choices, I am my hopes
Too dreamy to leave it
Too caught up to mope
Heart enlightened with discovery
An independent soul in it’s own world
Too joyous at it’s own inventory
Too happy the idea got sold
Honey it’s GOLD.😀
And our eyes danced.
How truthful are we to ourselves?
We’re our greatest lawyers….. piling excuses upon excuses. Hiding the facts, from ourselves and the world. We just deny it. Feign surprise if it’s pointed out. Some part of us agrees we’re too aggressive, too bossy but if someone says it we ask other people their opinion. Latching onto the polite soul who gives us the excuse or denial we need. Some part of us wonders but we take comfort in that one shred of an alibi, hushing our doubt for a later time. For the next time.
I’m not saying bossy is a bad thing. It’s not entirely good either. I’m bossy. I know it. I get tense about getting things done on time, the right way, and I wield that desperation into telling people what to do. I wouldn’t need to if they had brains and weren’t complete idiots. Joking😛 But yeah, it’s the sense of responsibility that spurs the bossiness. I accept that I should tone it down, it’s okay to dawdle in between. Though I don’t enjoy it, I know people do…..
The point is, you should own your flaws and consider what people have to say about them. Consider them, you don’t have to agree, just think about it. It could make life easier for you if people didn’t think you were arrogant and unreasonable. (I’m arrogant too by the way, possibly unreasonable at times)
Though I wonder. What if you liked being arrogant and unreasonable? Hmmm that’s a toughy. It’s hard to encourage that xD
Lol okay okay….ummm. Fine man, be arrogant and unreasonable. Own it. See how that works out for you. Just think though, if you’re smart you should actually accept the fact that you’re human, hence open to mistakes. Arrogance and unreasonability aren’t strong suits, they’re your weakness. Know it. At least that’s what I think….
At the end of the day. Your good and bad is you. Revel in it. Accept it. If you accept who you are, you can control who you are. Otherwise you’re lost. With no particular direction or evolution. If you don’t know who you are, you’re just a product of the things happening to you. Okay, yes everyone is a product of things happening to them but the thing is how we act in those situations is who we are, if you’re not aware of who you are, your actions are almost animalistic. A simple product of society, like a leaf being blown by the wind. With no idea where its going and why. Your acceptance of who you are, warts and all, is your anchor. The key to achieving your goals.
Take responsibility for your actions and their consequences.
Find your anchor. :)
A setback is nothing
With the wind on your face
With the smell of rain
With your eyes to the sky
With your heart alight
Tears brushed away
With a hysterical laugh
With a unbodied mind
Life less daunting
With thoughts of some things
With thoughts of everything
With a soul full of love
With a soul ready
Bring it on