It’s not so easy to understand

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

How can I explain all I feel?
As though words can do a shadow of justice to this turmoil inside

It almost feels like a betrayal
Quantifying this overwhelming love I recognize

I know we don’t talk much
I don’t quite understand it myself but I can’t shake away this knowledge

Yes, I saw you
Though we were two blurs in the crowd, I saw each and every one of you

I’ve spent too much time worrying about you
Thinking of you as my own and now as I look back, it’s hard for me to stop

We may never have even talked
But your pain was and is my pain, and your happiness was and is my happiness

You are a part of me
Wherever our paths may take us, you always will be

Even now I’m blank
And these words I’ve managed to get out don’t do you much credit

I may have been merely a means
How sad am I to have let you all in my heart

Where you wreak havoc
Because I expect too much from people who don’t realize I have feelings too

The depth to which I care
Astounds and saddens me, fills me with love and joy, all at the same time

You weren’t just a duty
To me we were all akin to family

I wonder though
Whether I was merely a means. Whether you’ll miss me, as I will you

How pathetic am I?
I probably need therapy

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

Parwaz’16 Inauguration Photobooth

Parwaz is the annual college magazine of Punjab Medical College Faisalabad. Parwaz is an Urdu word meaning to rise, soar or fly. I was assigned with making the back drop for the inauguration which was held on the 19th of April 2017.

I am so unabashedly proud of this xD Most of my original art ideas turn out crap. Literal rubbish. Horrible. But this one was so cute, pretty and elegant. *sigh*

So what is it composed of?
The framework consists of two poles with golden wires strung and intertwined between them. Crepe paper and newspaper flowers have been suspended from the wires along with black birds cut out of computer paper.

Picture Credits: Gulzam Hafeez

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From left to right: Chief editor Parwaz’16 Dr Rabia Anam, Principal PMC Dr Fareed Zafar, ex-HOD Pathology department Molazim Hussain Bokhari and Deputy Chief Editor Parwaz’16 Dr Abida Batool

Everyday things we pass by

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These vibrant flowers caught my eye as I walked to the Dental Section of Punjab Medical College, Faisalabad and I couldn’t help but admire how perfect they looked. Wild, untamed, and splashing colour and beauty in an otherwise drab  corner of the college.

Politics Politics Politics

I am so sick and tired of the things going on in college. I wonder if it’s unrealistic of me to want to avoid politics so much and to get frustrated and try to overcome them through dialogue but I can’t help it.

Perhaps it’s not politics but rather closed door politics and manipulation. *sigh* The way people go around lobbying and spreading disunity. I’m pretty sure you can lobby and get support and fight on your credentials the right way but this…. writing applications dripping with allegations and finding shady ways to snag votes, why? whyy?

Yes you can fight, but fight on merit, be fair. Understand that the point isn’t to get the post but to be the best person who can carry out the duties and responsibilities of that post. It’s not just a title, it’s a job.And regardless of whether or not you’re capable for the job or not, how you get it is still important. You shouldn’t just sweet talk teachers into cancelling elections and choosing you because you think you’re the most fit for the task. You shouldn’t secretly shift the voting pool so that you get an edge over your opponents. You shouldn’t use your father or friends connection with the higher ups to ensure you get chosen. Play fair and clean or don’t play because at the end of the day the society you fought to get the post in will suffer. People will resent you, they’ll be demotivated from working because clearly merit doesn’t count for anything, connections do. Since they didn’t choose you, they may not want to work with you and since they know how you got the post, they won’t respect you. You’ve created a negative atmosphere were people don’t feel like working or even being a part. You got what you wanted, but at what cost and to what end? It’s selfish.

Rigging positions is an abuse of power. Understand that. Until or unless you haven’t given everyone the chance to apply, clearly outlining the empty slots and time frame, you haven’t been fair. It is wrong. You fail as a leader. You are essentially a dictator and you don’t deserve to be given positions in which you can monopolize and abuse your power.

A generic argument but put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine you just wanted the opportunity to try and apply for a post but no one told you when the to apply. That the interviews were hush hush and only some select few favourites were told about them. Or that you wanted to apply and thought you were more than qualified but because you didn’t have connections so you didn’t get it. It’s not a reason but understand.

Healthy competition is important, and not getting what you want isn’t the end of the world. People can get over losing, but not if they feel cheated.

Still, one thing to keep in mind is that regardless of the post, it’s the mission that matters. To get things done, not necessarily to have your name on the door. And if you do get the post, please understand how heavy a burden that is. You can’t use it to be a dictator and make sweeping statements of ‘I’m ____________ and I say this is how it’s going to be’. Your job is collaboration, conflict resolution, management and empowerment. Don’t take that lightly. Transparent, open communication is important. Sometimes you may even have to do things that the majority want but you disagree with and that’s okay. It’s a give and take. You’re not here to enforce your will. You’re here to make sure there is cohesiveness and everyone is working at their maximum potential. Yes, you do get to make judgement calls, but you are answerable to your team for them. Recognize when pride clouds your judgement and realize that it isn’t a good enough justification for your actions.

Winter forest

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Islamabad, Pakistan

Just another day

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Saidpur Village, Islamabad, Pakistan

Of stone cut pathways

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Saidpur Village, Islamabad, Pakistan

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Saidpur village, Islamabad, Pakistan

These are some pictures I took from a phone while visiting Saidpur Village, a village located in Islamabad (Pakistan’s capital), last weekend.

The village predates Islamabad by centuries. There’s a Hindu shrine located in it that’s over 300 years old according to the locals. That’s more than 4 times Pakistan’s age (70 years this year).

I’ll post more pictures of this gorgeous village in a few days.

Off the beaten road

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Off the beaten road, there’s a trail
Unkempt and wild, pulsating with potential
A story untold, take my hand
This what makes life worth living darling

Apprehension

Don’t pretend to care
Don’t apologize
My heart is not a fickle thing
One day this, the other day that
If you beg for a chance, I may just grant it
Though know I, the torture I inflict
My very soul weighed down with the prospect
You see it’s dangerous
Opening myself up like that
But the weakling I am
All it takes is a few seemingly sincere words
And over time my feelings bloom and grow
Bit by bit
Slowly but surely
No amount of reigns
No amount of mirror talks
Naive all the way
I keep myself braced
For the pain of betrayal to engulf me all over again
It’s my fault really
I set the stage
Throw the oil
Ignite the flame, and pass it to you
If you mean to leave, leave
I don’t need this to and fro
If you mean to play, leave
I can’t handle games
Please be kind to me
I don’t know how much more I can handle
Before all hope is exiled
And I too silently die
Like all my age seem to inevitably do

You are the world

People often think being idealistic is impractical, that it’s either one of the two; idealism or realism. Very few things are that black and white, if any. Why can’t we be idealistic and realistic? Dream big, keep our hopes high and work towards making them a material reality?

Often the biggest hard core ‘realists’ were once in fact idealists. They did hope. They did dream. But when they were laughed at and mocked for their ideas they gave up. They didn’t try, they didn’t work. They accepted people’s words as the truth and joined their ranks; battering and tearing down those who still had the audacity to hope and dream. These new recruits can be an idealist’s biggest obstacle. These people never got the chance to realize their own dreams and seeing yours makes them feel like an even bigger failure. They see you, with ideas for a brighter future and envy your carefreeness. They see their past selves in you and wish they could still have hope in the word too. They point out flaws and setbacks, laugh at your naivety and try to make you be realistic so that they can validate themselves. If you fall off the bandwagon it affirms their belief that yes, there is no hope and they were right to give up.

Hopes and dreams are one thing. Basic human decency is another. We are the product of our experiences. You don’t get a say in the hand destiny deals you, but you do get a say in how you react to it. Our choices are always our own, as are the consequences. Some people who get hurt repeatedly become frustrated. They see the world going about as though nothing had happened, no one caring about their pain and wonder if maybe they’re too emotional.  They vow to not let anything get to them and grow cold and insensitive to the pain of other people too.
People who once trusted other people too easily and were betrayed begin abusing other people’s trust reasoning that that is simply how the world works. People who try to live honestly see their corrupt coworkers earning more, getting promoted and getting away with it and wonder why they’re even trying to be honest. Their colleagues come to the office late, waste time and no one says anything to them. They live comfortable lives while you’re putting yourself through hell and for what? No one’s watching, no one says anything, everyone does it. With this reasoning the honest forego their ideals and resign themselves to the status quo.

Now, change frames. Before, it was you who was getting mocked for your ideas, now you’re doing it to the next person. If the person gives up it was because of you. You were the representative of the world to that person. When someone is hurt and you see them going through the same thing you went through once, you have a choice, you can be cold and insensitive, like people were to you, or you can empathize and make sure the person knows they’re not alone. Again, you represent the world.
You betray someone’s trust; you teach them that the world doesn’t hold trust sacred, just like someone once did to you and someone may have done to them. Each person in the chain, changing the world forever through their actions. Same goes for corruption. Each person in that office thought they were making a decision for themselves, that it was normal. The fact is, they normalized it by accepting it; paving the way for all those to come.

There was a nice analogy of the world in a book I read. It went something like: ‘The world is like a cauldron and your actions, thoughts and ideas are the ingredients you get to add.’ –Forty Rules of Love, Elif Shafak.img_3395-2
Your actions and choices are your contributions to the lives of all the people you ever meet, even for a second. People make up the world. The world is made up of people. You are people to people just as they are people to you. Know this. A friendly wave, a smile, genuine concern, every minute small thing you do is how the world looks through someone else’s eyes. Know your power.

Don’t lose complete faith in the world, it’s the equivalent of losing faith in yourself. Use your struggles as fuel for hope; if you can stay a dreamer, emotional, trusting and honest, so can other people.

Keep dreaming.

Have faith in yourself.

You are the world.

Stalemate

Every time
I plot and I plan but, every time

You mean what you say
Yet I over-analyze what you say, every time

You show me all the ways you don’t care
Yet it’s the same when I realize you don’t care, every time

You reach out, it doesn’t mean anything
I reach back though I know to you it doesn’t mean anything, every time

You probably don’t see
I can’t help but act strong, you probably don’t see, every time

You could be acting strong
That’s what I rationalize, you’re acting strong, every time

You don’t even know
I ache, I break, you don’t even know, every time

Your spell is too powerful
I fight and resist but your spell is too powerful, every time

You are nonchalant
I feel the urge to run and you are nonchalant, every time

I plot and I plan, every time
Every time

DIY card for any occasion

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DIY card for any occasion. I left the inside blank because I’m not sure what I want to use it for yet. It can be a Birthday card, Thank You card, Christmas, Eid, anything really card.

Materials: Chart paper, ruler, black pointer, scissors, glue, Ferrero Rocher wrapper, ribbon and net.

All the materials I used to make it are in the picture.Hope you like it. Happy card making. ^^

Unsung heroes

I used to see posts with people appreciating Teuchi, the owner of Ichiraku Ramen and I would think it’s people being overly dramatic over such a side character in Naruto. Only now with the new theme ending in season 20 am I comprehending how completely amazing he was!

He was probably one of the first people who was actually compassionate towards Naruto. Naruto, whose childhood is heart breaking. An orphan who never knew his parents and was shunned by the village people because of the Nine Tails power inside him. The people of Konaha had lost many loved ones to the Nine Tails rampage and had associated the pain, fear and anger to Naruto, the child who merely carried the Nine Tails.

People would give him a wide berth on the streets, teach their kids not to talk or play or with him, chase him out of their shops and as if that wasn’t enough they would glare at him, sneer, call him a monster. The kid faced all this since he was born. Imagine it, a three year old, a four year old, running into a park to play with the other kids only to have their parents whisk them away. To see families walking around, mothers and fathers treating their kids, worrying about them, carrying them on their shoulders or swinging from their arms and all he could do was look on and wonder why he didn’t have parents. Naruto grew up confused and lonely, yearning for people to see him, acknowledge him, to be his friends.

When you watch the closing clip and see young three year old Naruto peeking into Ichiraku from behind the wall and jumping up in fear when Teuchi spots him, it breaks your heart. To see such fear in his eyes because he’s so used to being shunned haunts you. No child should be made to feel like that. An outsider to the world with no claims to love and compassion from people.

Teuchi invited Naruto inside and gave him a bowl of hot ramen. It became the first place Naruto could go to and feel welcome. A place where people smiled at him, greeted him when he came in. Teuchi would often treat Naruto to free meals on special occasions, share his sorrows and success, ask him about his day.

People like this are the unsung heroes in this world. Their kindness is truly something to aspire to. He gave Naruto the love every kid deserves when no one else could care less. I cannot begin to explain how much I admire him. You can see how surprised Naruto is that the ramen is actually for him and then the smile that lights up his face is priceless. Children should always be smiling like that.

We need to be people like Teuchi from Ichiraku Ramen. Who see and help the people who need it most despite the prejudice around us. They’re the true warriors, the heroes that don’t get enough appreciation for what they do. It doesn’t take much. A kind word, a listening ear and some sincerity. Sincerity and love are all that people want, and orphans deserve it the most. You have no idea how it is to live without parents. To think you’re all alone in the world. Love isn’t confined for family, it’s for every one.

Understand people’s situation and don’t just feel bad for them. Share their pain. Do something, however small. It makes a huge difference.

Day 14

By chance I’ve been watching random crash courses on planets, brown dwarfs (cool almost-stars), moons and what not and in almost every video the host is excited about the prospect of planets/moons with water having life on them. Like Europa, Titan, this other moon whose name I don’t remember seem like big possibilities to him because they have flowing water under their surface(not to mention volcanoes that erupt water)

Hence the current scientific belief is that for life you need water, just like this Ayat tells us. Not like science is the standard for comparison but nevertheless, it’s intriguing which is exactly the purpose of the Ayat. For us to marvel at and wonder. The Quran wasn’t revealed to give us scientific discoveries or details but to inspire us to look around in awe, no matter what our educational background. Hence this Ayat speaks out to every human, on multiple levels relative to their understanding of the world.

Note: Ayat means verse from the Holy Quran.

Balcony view

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It wasn’t just my fault

The double meanings
The subtle hints
They can’t be entirely fictitious
They were most definitely there

Here I was frustrated
Here I was shocked
That I was wrong for so many years
That my delusions had soared that far

Why twist me in such knots?
Why drag it on so long?
Worst part is, I wonder if it was unconscious
Worst part is, I’m still making your excuses

I am so completely drained
I am so completely done
The answer is no clearer
The answer is I must answer

Hell to the no.

Chaand Raat Party’16

 

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The decor for the Pre-Chaand Raat party this year. ^^
Chaand raat‘ literally translated to ‘Moon night’ is what we Urdu-speaking Muslims call the last night of Ramazan when the moon is sighted, signalling the end of the holy month. Ramazan is the 9th month of the Islamic calendar in which Muslims all over the world fast from dawn to dusk and it is a very spiritual time for most of us.

The month of Ramazan can be of 29-30 days depending entirely on the moon. For the past 2-3 years it’s been for 29 days.

Everyone is usually busy on the actual chaand raat with preparations for Eid ul Fitr (the first couple of days of the month following Ramazan i.e Shawal), the three days of celebration after the month of fasting, or with family members who are coming back from ‘itekaaf‘ (voluntary seclusion from society to pray and strengthen personal faith, to be closer to Allah during the last 1,3,5,7 or 10 days of Ramazan) and so we usually have the party for friends and family on the night of the 28th of Ramazan at aftar time (the time when Muslims break their fast at dusk).

Iman and I did the decor in a night with some motivating helpful ideas from Pinterest. 🙂
‘Eid Mubarak’ or ‘Happy Eid’ is the greeting (accompanied with hugs and kisses) that is used on the three days of Eid. ‘Almost Eid Mubarak’ is a weird kind of joke, no one says that just to clarify. xD

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