To be a friend

What does it mean? To be a friend. To laugh around a coffee table, walk through school corridors, have lunch together? To be there through everything, good or bad. What is it really?

Is it time? Does time together simply add up and you grow comfortable with a person or a routine?

What if you disagree on things, important things? What if you have a fight? What if their viewpoints and thoughts conflict with your own?

A friend is someone who thinks of you.

A friend is someone who will be there for you.

A friend is someone you can differ with without the love diminishing.

A friend is someone who is honest with you.

A friend is someone who loves you.

Friends have ups and downs. There may come a time when your friend does something you think you can never forgive them for. You think that things can never go back to how they were. But if you try to make things work regardless, it’s worth it. If you abandon them when things seem bad or are bad, just think, who will be there for them if not you? What if it was you who was going through the thing, wouldn’t you want someone to reason with you rather than just turn the other way?
You may not think they’re listening but what you say does matter.

Your friend deserves the truth. When he/she asks for it, give it; even if it’s not something they want to hear. That’s the hallmark of a true friend. Not being afraid to say what needs to be said, or giving an honest opinion. Not to mention being there even when the friend fails to follow your advice.

As you grow older and with more and more things to deal with, you may grow apart from your friends and when you disagree it may just be easier to take them out of your life. You have a new life now, with a different circle and you hardly see them anyway. Personally though, I don’t think you should let go of a friendship based on how hard it is for you to deal with them. They’re a part of you, no matter what. If you love them, work past the pain and hurt. That may just be because I can’t cut anyone out of my life, but it’s also because I don’t believe in it. Once a part of you, always a part of you. Cutting people out is giving up on your relationships, and no worthwhile relationship is without a bit of work and a bit of compromise. Respecting differences is applicable to anyone you meet.

I may be wrong, I may have missed things out or maybe been a bit too masochistic for some people. Let me know in the comments.

Musings Part 7

Been ages since I wrote anything…. been contemplating to start for a week before I actually made it back here.
It’s just that my Facebook is getting crowded, Twitter too a bit.

Well my insecurities are growing alarmingly fast. I hate how I don’t feel like talking most of the time, but I want to be heard and matter at the same time. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t want to be an attention freak…I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just want to matter, my opinion to matter. Worst part is, I don’t think it matters myself how can other people?
And as if I didn’t have enough insecurities all these thoughts make me hate myself even more. *sigh*

I just want to go to a new place and start over. Or I just want to go to a jungle, desert, mountain, lake anywhere and just get lost in nature and see who I actually am. I feel like myself only when I’m alone or think I’m alone, the former being when I’m alone somewhere and the latter when I’m someplace new and no one knows me and I can say and do as I please.
Maybe I’m just a born loner.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this here…it’s public…but I want to. A bit.

I wonder how people can be so carefree… be quick at making decisions and be sure of themselves.

Musings Part 6

I need my swag back. Don’t judge the word. It fits right now.

My college is making me so much more self conscious than I already was. It gets harder and harder every day. I need my friends! I need love! This could also be no ones fault but my own head evolving for the worse. All my insecurities growing on their own, but that’s far fetched. Something has to be feeding it right? What to do, what to do.

It actually hit me strongly right now. Seeing my sister and a few other kids I know, posting things so carefree like. You know when I post a Facebook status or an instagram picture I feel so sick afterwards for like a day or more. Wondering how people are judging me as self obsessed or proud. The reason I do it is because I’m like it’s my wall, I want to. I swallow the negativity as much as I can but I can’t deny it’s not there. I just figure I should take it, I can’t post nothing because I regret that months later when my forgetful brain wants to see the past.

This blog is getting way personal. I’m disowning it :P whoever knows, knows but no one else. In time the ones who know shall forget. Yes I do get that I could stop writing. I should. I really should. But…nope no reason. Maybe I want to show the world my dark side. What am I doing? ……….no idea. I’m so messed up. Or maybe I just want to be messed up. It’s the mainstream thing these days. It annoys me. Everyone being depressed and what not… we need to chill.

I’m adding negativity to the net. Dammit. Why do we judge so much. Why can’t we stop thinking about what people are thinking! This is so twisted.

I need to get my swag back. Just don’t care. That’s not not caring about people’s feelings. Just forget what they’re thinking. That’s their business. I know that already. We all do. Acting on it is hard.

Don’t go with the flow


Don’t let the wind dictate your life. Be strong; find your roots.

I understand jokes. I understand playful teasing. I understand lines.

I love freedom; the notion that I can do what I want if the fancy strikes me. But no matter which way I think of it, I see boundaries of even that. The boundaries that make me human; a functional, analytical, empathetic, emotional being. Something that separates me from your average primate. The more you let yourself go the more animalistic you are. As I’m writing this I have this feeling I dreamt of something similar last night. Something about having control over yourself. I wish I could remember, I think I learned something.

Anyway, so many people I know go over these boundaries and don’t even think twice about them. They seem to think that they’re just being truthful, or that they’re being themselves…. I’m all for being yourself, but not if it’s hurting someone. We humans are so weak, so little can wreak so much havoc in our minds and if you think that’s not true then you’re in denial. You’re repressing it, and that repression makes you cold. You don’t see people’s feelings anymore because you’re denying yourself of your own too. Feeling, its not so bad my friend. It has its highs and lows, but it shows you what you want in life. It makes a day interesting, and you see people as people just like you rather than as a sea of enemies out to get you.

I do a lot of stuff that I want to. But the lines I have made are the ones that I hope make my parents happy. I try and keep within the moral code of religion. Then there are the ones that I have to protect people ( My siblings being the exception)(It’s just hard being nice to them)(I am trying though). You have no idea what someone is going through, you have no idea what might hurt them, you have no idea if all their laughter is fake and they’re just really brilliant actors. I’ve met so many people who fall in these categories that social conversations get confusing :P haha, nah it’s ok. You won’t be like that.

I don’t know. Basically what I’m trying to say is that, find your boundaries. Especially in this day and age where every other facebook post, tweet or anything is basically telling you to be yourself and not care what people think. I agree, but people are taking it to mean be as rude as you want without any regard for anyone else. Assess what you would or wouldn’t do and why. You’ll find your framework. It won’t restrict you, it’ll make things clearer for you and you won’t do as much things that you’ll regret. You’ll be happier with yourself and decisions will be easier to take and follow through.

It all comes down to, what’s important to you?


What type of love tears you up inside?
Makes you want to abandon all you believe in
That too without even being asked?

What type of love makes you retreat into yourself?
Makes you struggle over thoughts and words
That too without any care or concern?

What type of love fills you with such desperation?
Makes you willing to love through your own hell
That too without any gratitude or acknowledgement?

What type of love leaves gaping holes in your heart?
Makes you yearn for mere words, true or not
That too without compassion or even a thought?

I’ll tell you
The wrong kind

A Father

It’s nothing he says with an indifferent shrug
Nothing more than usual, worry not

Facade calm and strong
Is it true or not?

With a hand he waves away all but’s
Shaking his head, worry not

Facade sure and dismissive
Is it true or is it not?

Not once does his posture waver, upright, confident
Trivial matters, didn’t I tell you; worry not

Facade decisive and bored
Can it be true or not?

Searching eyes left short, an act so complete
Am I foolish to not worry not?

Facade condescending and fond
I hope it’s true, no nots

Reality and it’s loopholes

Is it so bad to live in a fantasy world? What even is reality? What if you just took some facts from the ‘real’ world and molded them into you’re fantasy? Plausible deniability.

Ok wait what even is reality? I mean we hardly ever have all the hard facts anyway. We have a few and we deduce the rest. Is it reality when you’re deductions are cynical and a fantasy when you dream for beautiful things. Other people will say so. They’ll say you’re lining yourself up for disappointment, sure that may be possible, but what you think will happen isn’t going to affect what will happen. So at least the moment till the truth hits is magical. Whereas for the realists it’s bleak. The end will be the same. (Though Noetic Science suggests our thoughts affect the outcome, just saying) What if the end was great? You didn’t waste your time and mood in worry. If it didn’t work out, well for a moment you thought it would, you had hope. Worry cripples you, hope paints a picture that adds a skip to your step. Life’s too short to spend all that time worrying and anticipating the worst.

I’ve been depressed for so long I got sick of it. I choose my fantasy. The world where I will travel across the globe. The world where I can start an orphanage and school. The world where I can be a book author. The world where the little things don’t bug me so much. The world where I can make a difference. The world where adventures are real not just in books. The world where anything is possible.

I’m a very nostalgic person. Someone who looks back and wishes she had more time. Sometimes impatient with the present while comparing it to the past. But as I mentioned in a previous post I found a little idea on how not to let it bother me so much. It goes along the lines of,’ at least it happened’. You know, at least I have those memories to cherish, what if I never had them? I wouldn’t trade them. You can draw strength from the good times to get through the bad.

Isn’t it amazing how you had such a good time in the past you can’t stand the present? It’s a credit to your past. And come on, you can’t have it good all the way through life. Through the present, let the past power the light in your eyes and the brightness of your smile.

Spread the love. Keep yourself happy. Brighten up other people’s world with your optimism too. Happiness is a state of mind you make for yourself. If you want to be sad you’ll find a thousand reasons, if you want to be happy you’ll find a thousand reasons. Depends what you’re looking for.
Reality usually has loopholes.


Heart aching ever so slightly
Pangs that came before,and now and then
Too painful to take lightly
Too inconsequential to take out a pen

What is has always been
Futile thoughts swimming, before,now and then
Too imposing to be left unseen
Too daunting to face therein

They said I was smart
Practicality never seemed more far-fetched
Too subjective to let emotions part
Too strung to dream of getting unlatched

Fact of the matter is I like it
I am my choices, I am my hopes
Too dreamy to leave it
Too caught up to mope

Heart enlightened with discovery
An independent soul in it’s own world
Too joyous at it’s own inventory
Too happy the idea got sold

Honey it’s GOLD. :D


I’m a Saint, it’s probably your fault

How truthful are we to ourselves?

We’re our greatest lawyers….. piling excuses upon excuses. Hiding the facts, from ourselves and the world. We just deny it. Feign surprise if it’s pointed out. Some part of us agrees we’re too aggressive, too bossy but if someone says it we ask other people their opinion. Latching onto the polite soul who gives us the excuse or denial we need. Some part of us wonders but we take comfort in that one shred of an alibi, hushing our doubt for a later time. For the next time.

I’m not saying bossy is a bad thing. It’s not entirely good either. I’m bossy. I know it. I get tense about getting things done on time, the right way, and I wield that desperation into telling people what to do. I wouldn’t need to if they had brains and weren’t complete idiots. Joking :P But yeah, it’s the sense of responsibility that spurs the bossiness. I accept that I should tone it down, it’s okay to dawdle in between. Though I don’t enjoy it, I know people do…..

The point is, you should own your flaws and consider what people have to say about them. Consider them, you don’t have to agree, just think about it. It could make life easier for you if people didn’t think you were arrogant and unreasonable. (I’m arrogant too by the way, possibly unreasonable at times)

Though I wonder. What if you liked being arrogant and unreasonable? Hmmm that’s a toughy. It’s hard to encourage that xD

Lol okay okay….ummm. Fine man, be arrogant and unreasonable. Own it. See how that works out for you. Just think though, if you’re smart you should actually accept the fact that you’re human, hence open to mistakes. Arrogance and unreasonability aren’t strong suits, they’re your weakness. Know it. At least that’s what I think….

At the end of the day. Your good and bad is you. Revel in it. Accept it. If you accept who you are, you can control who you are. Otherwise you’re lost. With no particular direction or evolution. If you don’t know who you are, you’re just a product of the things happening to you. Okay, yes everyone is a product of things happening to them but the thing is how we act in those situations is who we are, if you’re not aware of who you are, your actions are almost animalistic. A simple product of society, like a leaf being blown by the wind. With no idea where its going and why. Your acceptance of who you are, warts and all, is your anchor. The key to achieving your goals.

Take responsibility for your actions and their consequences.

Find your anchor.  :)

Bring it on

A setback is nothing
With the wind on your face
With the smell of rain

Disappointment short-lived
With your eyes to the sky
With your heart alight

Tears brushed away
With a hysterical laugh
With a unbodied mind

Life less daunting
With thoughts of some things
With thoughts of everything

Why brood?
With a soul full of love
With a soul ready

Bring it on

The shackles of integration


To be free like the wind and clouds <3

It’s hard to explain. How the more integrated I get, the more I just want to stay at home. Every day, I make myself go because I have work to do. Sometimes I want people to talk to me, at others I just want to be alone. I don’t understand what to say, it feels awkward and I get easily overwhelmed. In contrast, I want to do things. I want people to value my opinion. It makes no sense.

I dislike being watched. That may be it. I love the freedom you have when no one’s observing you, like when you’re new to a place and no one looks twice or has any expectations. It’s so utterly freeing, like you can do anything. The more you get accustomed to a place, the more familiar it becomes, the more you get molded into a particular character and role, and the harder it is to break free. That exasperates me, it dims the thrill of a new day. It’s frustrating.

Right now, I want to skip college for a few days, until people kind of forget me and then I can go back and get some semblance of invisibility. But then now I’m ‘Girls Representative’ (the equivalent of prefect) and I have to be responsible. I understand that. I will be responsible and do what I should, but………. I get confused on what to say to people sometimes. I get uncomfortable and totally useless. That’s my problem though, and I’ll handle it. Right now that means talking excessively and over-compensating.

Well I don’t want to waste your time with just this rant, let’s be productive. Ummmm…. well if it does become too much I think I am entitled to a few days off. So that’s OK. And getting uncomfortable around people, let’s be serious, everyone feels that way…. I should just…. bear it? No man, that’s belittling it, that aint right. Let’s work on that. Try different things out…… Oh God this last paragraph is stupid.

Half of me

As the alarm blared from the bedside she mulled over the thought of going to college. She had International Relations and Economics today, her attendance was low and she couldn’t afford to take a day off if she had the option.

Lying in bed she looked up at the ceiling and sighed. It had been 6 months since she started going to B.Sc classes at Government College University but she still hated it. Stuck in the past, every day dragged by unless she immersed herself with events and work. And so she did. She joined all the societies she was presented with and got involved in everything she could. They kept her occupied with less time to sit and brood. But she felt lost. She couldn’t stop, but she wondered why she’d joined in the first place. She didn’t want to stop but she wondered when she’d get to her actual dreams. Every day they seemed more and more fictitious, more and more distant.

She socialized yes, but it felt like going through the motions. For the life of her she couldn’t understand why she felt so detached. Less than a shadow of herself. When did smiles become forced and painful? When did crowds become so lonely?

Rubbing her eyes, though she wasn’t tired, she trudged downstairs; too lazy to change. The person staring back at her through mirrors was hardly recognizable, her mouth literally drooped and sometimes she liked it that way. Other times she would practice smiling to herself because of how alien it was getting.

She didn’t understand what she wanted, she knew she couldn’t get her friends back, they were all far away and though they still talked, she needed them with her. She wanted them every day. But the fact was she couldn’t. So why the sadness? She should move on, she had accepted their distance, but she still craved their presence. It was pathetic. Was this about them or was it something else?

Fact was, she was stuck, stuck at the University for 5 years. She was ready to go into the world and work. To go on adventures and see the real world. But this was just the same old routine she’d gone through in college. Things were supposed to be different now. Not in another 5 years, now. Would things ever change? They had to change; if they didn’t she didn’t know what she would do. She already fantasized about just leaving everything and trying her luck. Heck even kidnap.10313742_738551186194935_728610703389332387_n

Sitting on the sofa, waiting for the bus to come she played videos of ‘nigahiga‘ on her phone to try and cheer herself up. To wake up just a little……….

Thoughts amuck

Is it enough?
Is it too much?
To ask how you are
To remember the dates
Is it too intense?
Am I coming off strong?
Part of me wants to hold back
Part of me pushes on
Am I taken for granted?
Do you really care?
I feign nonchalance
My insides squirming
Are you upset?
Are you OK?
Worry eats at me
The act doesn’t last long
How are you?
Am I annoying?
I can’t let go
I can’t loosen the reigns
What are you going through?
Can I help?
I cling to our memories
Drawing strength from their strength
Is it enough?
Is it too much?
Emotions haywire
Thoughts running amuck
I’m sorry I can’t be more cool
I’m sorry I’m such a fool