And it’s as though each tragedy and miracle unhinges me a little more from reality.
I’ve been lost for a long time. But now I can’t even see the shore.
To describe it to another I would say it’s like floating. Where nothing is real, and dreams and ‘reality’ morph. Unable to tell which from which.
Moments where I have to literally wake myself up from the haze, blink and look around. Trying to ground myself. Endlessly trying to anchor and tell myself that this is where I am, this is reality.
Would you believe me if I say that’s been me since the last 3 years?
Would you believe me if I say, no one’s noticed?
I barely notice at times, I’m a highly functional mess after all.
The biggest problem is, I can’t find where the break is… is it the pain? Is it the betrayal? Is it the world shaking, mind numbing, incomprehensible events that have toyed with my feelings and uprooted my world time and time again?
I’m lost. That’s the only insight I have unto this mess.
I often wonder if it’s my adamant stance to stick to my beliefs, to want to believe them even though they’re the reason I’ve been pounded repeatedly.
I want to care, but as I lose myself, I find myself drifting. Being unable to do basic things.
I want to care and when I realise how laid back I’ve become I don’t recognise myself.
Too tired to make efforts. Too lost to pay attention. And therein lies most of the problem.
Neither here nor there.
Refusing to let go mentally when in reality by dissociation I guess I have.
And that makes me someone I do not want to be.
Maybe that’s it.
What do I do about the pain though?
That’s a plan I can try. Take a deep breath and try to forget. Try to forgive.
It stings. My heart aches but I’ve been nursing it for so long maybe it’s time to stop babying it and retreating into myself.
Feeling sorry isn’t changing anything.
Denial only temporarily muffles the blow and regret can’t change facts..
I know all this.
But what choice do I have but to don the armour and go back to battle?
To be more conscious of my actions and not make excuses for myself.
To allow myself to accept the good without waiting for it to implode and add another scar.
I just want to wake up from the haze.