Author Archive: Sleepyxyz

I never knew I could trust

I never knew I could ever trust completely

Experience has taught me to expect anything

Did you know, I don’t even trust myself

I never knew feeling myself trust would be this terrifying

But I have knots in my stomach and if I think too much about it, I can’t breathe right

But I’ve never met anyone who kept their word like you

I don’t fancy myself a liar, but sometimes even I don’t mean what I say so completely, so literally

And as I question my own sincerity, I blink against your raw honesty

It’s dazzling, magnificent

I find myself having faith in it, trusting to put it mildly

I had well constructed solid walls that I can feel dissolving

But all good things end, and nothing lasts forever, I know this

I’m a woman of common sense, so this complete trust in another human confounds me

Not even my father always keeps his word or his story straight

That’s not fair, I know you’ve had your moments of hypocrisy

But you alway believe in what you say, fiercely

And I’ve joked that you shouldn’t be so quick to judge

But I’ve never meant someone who means what they say as much as you

What a pleasant surprise to add to the list of reasons I love you

For I didn’t need reasons and yet here you are, blinding me in admiration

I’ve seen people change, people I thought I knew

I’ve vowed to not let anything surprise me

Years of pain engraving the lessons

And yet here I am, watching my heart slip

It was scary accepting the torrent of emotion I have for you

I didn’t even realise I was capable of this sort of trust

Yes, I have seen a lot and I know people are fickle

Yet here I am, coming to terms with a fresh realisation

I’m beginning to trust you completely

And with this I give you even more power

I dug my grave the moment I gave you a chance at my heart

You already had to the tools to end me

But with this, I’m not sure what’ll be left

I’ve tested you countless times and I still will

But now I’m no longer hoping you fail

What a silly fool.

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Lost

And it’s as though each tragedy and miracle unhinges me a little more from reality.

I’ve been lost for a long time. But now I can’t even see the shore.

To describe it to another I would say it’s like floating. Where nothing is real, and dreams and ‘reality’ morph. Unable to tell which from which.

Moments where I have to literally wake myself up from the haze, blink and look around. Trying to ground myself. Endlessly trying to anchor and tell myself that this is where I am, this is reality.

Would you believe me if I say that’s been me since the last 3 years?

Would you believe me if I say, no one’s noticed?

I barely notice at times, I’m a highly functional mess after all.

The biggest problem is, I can’t find where the break is… is it the pain? Is it the betrayal? Is it the world shaking, mind numbing, incomprehensible events that have toyed with my feelings and uprooted my world time and time again?

I’m lost. That’s the only insight I have unto this mess.

I often wonder if it’s my adamant stance to stick to my beliefs, to want to believe them even though they’re the reason I’ve been pounded repeatedly.

I want to care, but as I lose myself, I find myself drifting. Being unable to do basic things.

I want to care and when I realise how laid back I’ve become I don’t recognise myself.

Too tired to make efforts. Too lost to pay attention. And therein lies most of the problem.

Neither here nor there.

Refusing to let go mentally when in reality by dissociation I guess I have.

And that makes me someone I do not want to be.

Huh.

Maybe that’s it.

What do I do about the pain though?

That’s a plan I can try. Take a deep breath and try to forget. Try to forgive.

It stings. My heart aches but I’ve been nursing it for so long maybe it’s time to stop babying it and retreating into myself.

Feeling sorry isn’t changing anything.

Denial only temporarily muffles the blow and regret can’t change facts..

I know all this.

But what choice do I have but to don the armour and go back to battle?

To be more conscious of my actions and not make excuses for myself.

To allow myself to accept the good without waiting for it to implode and add another scar.

I just want to wake up from the haze.

Doodling 0.0

Come home safe

Words can’t describe how I feel
Yet here I am, writing them down

Contentment, joy, bliss
Heart bursting love, aching worry

For all that we have, can be lost
Our days are numbered; months, days, years

Can I hold your hand for eternity?
Say nothing, do nothing, just stay here

Melt into your eyes
Keep you safe from the world

Words can’t describe how I feel
And here I am, trying to breathe right

Come home safe, come home fine
I’ll keep this pain to myself

You fight your battles
I’ll fight mine

Meet in the middle
Time after time

Words can’t describe how I feel
So here I am, praying to the Divine

Dawn of a new day

dawn

Khussa overdose


(Khussa is the name of this type of South Asian footwear)

This is a photograph captured by my friend Amara Maqbool while she was I out shopping in Islamabad, Pakistan. 

I loved this picture when I saw it on her instagram story and asked her to send it to me so I could share it with you. 

Smile

They think I’m strong
I’m stubborn and independent
Maybe that’s what fooled them

I can do what needs to be done
Pushing forward, feelings aside
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt

I care too much
Get attached too easily
Disappointment and heartbreak 1-0-1

They think I can fight my battles
Like I said, I can do what needs to be done
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t need help

I’ve learnt to do everything myself
Self preservation more than anything else
Better not hope than cry all the time

Don’t be alarmed
Though yes, this is self pity
But like I said, I’ve grown used to it with time

They think I’m strong
I laugh and cry
Keeping up the act and dying inside

Patriotism levels were high yesterday


Photograph taken on 14th August in Faisalabad, Punjab, Pakistan. 

14th August 1947 is the day Pakistan gained independence from British rule and established itself as a Muslim majority country separate from India. 

The day is celebrated with zeal and zest unlike any other holiday in the year. It is the day we remember the sacrifices our countrymen have made to make this country and celebrate how far we’ve come. 

This picture is a mere snippet of the enthusiasm with which every Pakistani joins in the festivities. People dress up whether they’re going out for a quick shop or to parade the streets singing nationalist songs. 

As you can see, no one misses out on the fun. 

Bachelorette party for the bestie 

Easy bachelorette/bridal shower party decor ideas anyone can do.

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Now or Never

Maybe I am a bit of an emotional wreck
I think with my heart first and last
Writing helping calm this anguished soul
Unable to escape the present and past

It’s all one and the same
These illusions of time never fooled I
But how do I convey the essence of now
To one who remains distant though I fail to fathom why

We’re getting too accustomed to being hurt by one another
Learning to live without
Learning to expect little
Learning to doubt

Have the years taught us nothing?
Are we really still running these same old dreary loops?
Time and time again
While our youth and love droops

I feel as though I have been impeccably clear
Though you have always evaded with a jeer
The ball’s in your court
I await your verdict with a tear

The clock is ticking
Now or never
And here we stand
As confused as ever

Your piece

Walking on the path back home
Recounting the day gone by,
Dwelling over your own special bits
While kicking stones with a sigh
You look up, taking in your street
Not as a person who belongs,
But as a person passing by
Appreciating  its uniqueness
Seeing it through a strangers eye
Your soul was chosen to live on this road
This was your own little story
The corner that was your piece of the sky
Everyone had their own fragment
Painting their world with a different dye
That is not to say
That those with the same piece
Would be sure to see eye to eye
For you see we each have our own past
Not just a facet of places
But a million things gone awry
An amalgam of emotions and history
That morph even the same places
To our own special piece of the sky

It’s not so easy to understand

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

How can I explain all I feel?
As though words can do a shadow of justice to this turmoil inside

It almost feels like a betrayal
Quantifying this overwhelming love I recognize

I know we don’t talk much
I don’t quite understand it myself but I can’t shake away this knowledge

Yes, I saw you
Though we were two blurs in the crowd, I saw each and every one of you

I’ve spent too much time worrying about you
Thinking of you as my own and now as I look back, it’s hard for me to stop

We may never have even talked
But your pain was and is my pain, and your happiness was and is my happiness

You are a part of me
Wherever our paths may take us, you always will be

Even now I’m blank
And these words I’ve managed to get out don’t do you much credit

I may have been merely a means
How sad am I to have let you all in my heart

Where you wreak havoc
Because I expect too much from people who don’t realize I have feelings too

The depth to which I care
Astounds and saddens me, fills me with love and joy, all at the same time

You weren’t just a duty
To me we were all akin to family

I wonder though
Whether I was merely a means. Whether you’ll miss me, as I will you

How pathetic am I?
I probably need therapy

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

Parwaz’16 Inauguration Photobooth

Parwaz is the annual college magazine of Punjab Medical College Faisalabad. Parwaz is an Urdu word meaning to rise, soar or fly. I was assigned with making the back drop for the inauguration which was held on the 19th of April 2017.

I am so unabashedly proud of this xD Most of my original art ideas turn out crap. Literal rubbish. Horrible. But this one was so cute, pretty and elegant. *sigh*

So what is it composed of?
The framework consists of two poles with golden wires strung and intertwined between them. Crepe paper and newspaper flowers have been suspended from the wires along with black birds cut out of computer paper.

Picture Credits: Gulzam Hafeez

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From left to right: Chief editor Parwaz’16 Dr Rabia Anam, Principal PMC Dr Fareed Zafar, ex-HOD Pathology department Molazim Hussain Bokhari and Deputy Chief Editor Parwaz’16 Dr Abida Batool

Everyday things we pass by

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These vibrant flowers caught my eye as I walked to the Dental Section of Punjab Medical College, Faisalabad and I couldn’t help but admire how perfect they looked. Wild, untamed, and splashing colour and beauty in an otherwise drab  corner of the college.

Politics Politics Politics

I am so sick and tired of the things going on in college. I wonder if it’s unrealistic of me to want to avoid politics so much and to get frustrated and try to overcome them through dialogue but I can’t help it.

Perhaps it’s not politics but rather closed door politics and manipulation. *sigh* The way people go around lobbying and spreading disunity. I’m pretty sure you can lobby and get support and fight on your credentials the right way but this…. writing applications dripping with allegations and finding shady ways to snag votes, why? whyy?

Yes you can fight, but fight on merit, be fair. Understand that the point isn’t to get the post but to be the best person who can carry out the duties and responsibilities of that post. It’s not just a title, it’s a job.And regardless of whether or not you’re capable for the job or not, how you get it is still important. You shouldn’t just sweet talk teachers into cancelling elections and choosing you because you think you’re the most fit for the task. You shouldn’t secretly shift the voting pool so that you get an edge over your opponents. You shouldn’t use your father or friends connection with the higher ups to ensure you get chosen. Play fair and clean or don’t play because at the end of the day the society you fought to get the post in will suffer. People will resent you, they’ll be demotivated from working because clearly merit doesn’t count for anything, connections do. Since they didn’t choose you, they may not want to work with you and since they know how you got the post, they won’t respect you. You’ve created a negative atmosphere were people don’t feel like working or even being a part. You got what you wanted, but at what cost and to what end? It’s selfish.

Rigging positions is an abuse of power. Understand that. Until or unless you haven’t given everyone the chance to apply, clearly outlining the empty slots and time frame, you haven’t been fair. It is wrong. You fail as a leader. You are essentially a dictator and you don’t deserve to be given positions in which you can monopolize and abuse your power.

A generic argument but put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine you just wanted the opportunity to try and apply for a post but no one told you when the to apply. That the interviews were hush hush and only some select few favourites were told about them. Or that you wanted to apply and thought you were more than qualified but because you didn’t have connections so you didn’t get it. It’s not a reason but understand.

Healthy competition is important, and not getting what you want isn’t the end of the world. People can get over losing, but not if they feel cheated.

Still, one thing to keep in mind is that regardless of the post, it’s the mission that matters. To get things done, not necessarily to have your name on the door. And if you do get the post, please understand how heavy a burden that is. You can’t use it to be a dictator and make sweeping statements of ‘I’m ____________ and I say this is how it’s going to be’. Your job is collaboration, conflict resolution, management and empowerment. Don’t take that lightly. Transparent, open communication is important. Sometimes you may even have to do things that the majority want but you disagree with and that’s okay. It’s a give and take. You’re not here to enforce your will. You’re here to make sure there is cohesiveness and everyone is working at their maximum potential. Yes, you do get to make judgement calls, but you are answerable to your team for them. Recognize when pride clouds your judgement and realize that it isn’t a good enough justification for your actions.

Winter forest

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Islamabad, Pakistan

Just another day

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Saidpur Village, Islamabad, Pakistan

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