And it’s as though each tragedy and miracle unhinges me a little more from reality.
I’ve been lost for a long time. But now I can’t even see the shore.
To describe it to another I would say it’s like floating. Where nothing is real, and dreams and ‘reality’ morph. Unable to tell which from which.
Moments where I have to literally wake myself up from the haze, blink and look around. Trying to ground myself. Endlessly trying to anchor and tell myself that this is where I am, this is reality.
Would you believe me if I say that’s been me since the last 3 years?
Would you believe me if I say, no one’s noticed?
I barely notice at times, I’m a highly functional mess after all.
The biggest problem is, I can’t find where the break is… is it the pain? Is it the betrayal? Is it the world shaking, mind numbing, incomprehensible events that have toyed with my feelings and uprooted my world time and time again?
I’m lost. That’s the only insight I have unto this mess.
I often wonder if it’s my adamant stance to stick to my beliefs, to want to believe them even though they’re the reason I’ve been pounded repeatedly.
I want to care, but as I lose myself, I find myself drifting. Being unable to do basic things.
I want to care and when I realise how laid back I’ve become I don’t recognise myself.
Too tired to make efforts. Too lost to pay attention. And therein lies most of the problem.
Neither here nor there.
Refusing to let go mentally when in reality by dissociation I guess I have.
And that makes me someone I do not want to be.
Maybe that’s it.
What do I do about the pain though?
That’s a plan I can try. Take a deep breath and try to forget. Try to forgive.
It stings. My heart aches but I’ve been nursing it for so long maybe it’s time to stop babying it and retreating into myself.
Feeling sorry isn’t changing anything.
Denial only temporarily muffles the blow and regret can’t change facts..
I know all this.
But what choice do I have but to don the armour and go back to battle?
To be more conscious of my actions and not make excuses for myself.
To allow myself to accept the good without waiting for it to implode and add another scar.
I just want to wake up from the haze.
They think I’m strong
I’m stubborn and independent
Maybe that’s what fooled them
I can do what needs to be done
Pushing forward, feelings aside
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt
I care too much
Get attached too easily
Disappointment and heartbreak 1-0-1
They think I can fight my battles
Like I said, I can do what needs to be done
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t need help
I’ve learnt to do everything myself
Self preservation more than anything else
Better not hope than cry all the time
Don’t be alarmed
Though yes, this is self pity
But like I said, I’ve grown used to it with time
They think I’m strong
I laugh and cry
Keeping up the act and dying inside
14th August 1947 is the day Pakistan gained independence from British rule and established itself as a Muslim majority country separate from India.
The day is celebrated with zeal and zest unlike any other holiday in the year. It is the day we remember the sacrifices our countrymen have made to make this country and celebrate how far we’ve come.
This picture is a mere snippet of the enthusiasm with which every Pakistani joins in the festivities. People dress up whether they’re going out for a quick shop or to parade the streets singing nationalist songs.
As you can see, no one misses out on the fun.
Maybe I am a bit of an emotional wreck
I think with my heart first and last
Writing helping calm this anguished soul
Unable to escape the present and past
It’s all one and the same
These illusions of time never fooled I
But how do I convey the essence of now
To one who remains distant though I fail to fathom why
We’re getting too accustomed to being hurt by one another
Learning to live without
Learning to expect little
Learning to doubt
Have the years taught us nothing?
Are we really still running these same old dreary loops?
Time and time again
While our youth and love droops
I feel as though I have been impeccably clear
Though you have always evaded with a jeer
The ball’s in your court
I await your verdict with a tear
The clock is ticking
Now or never
And here we stand
As confused as ever
If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand
But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand
How can I explain all I feel?
As though words can do a shadow of justice to this turmoil inside
It almost feels like a betrayal
Quantifying this overwhelming love I recognize
I know we don’t talk much
I don’t quite understand it myself but I can’t shake away this knowledge
Yes, I saw you
Though we were two blurs in the crowd, I saw each and every one of you
I’ve spent too much time worrying about you
Thinking of you as my own and now as I look back, it’s hard for me to stop
We may never have even talked
But your pain was and is my pain, and your happiness was and is my happiness
You are a part of me
Wherever our paths may take us, you always will be
Even now I’m blank
And these words I’ve managed to get out don’t do you much credit
I may have been merely a means
How sad am I to have let you all in my heart
Where you wreak havoc
Because I expect too much from people who don’t realize I have feelings too
The depth to which I care
Astounds and saddens me, fills me with love and joy, all at the same time
You weren’t just a duty
To me we were all akin to family
I wonder though
Whether I was merely a means. Whether you’ll miss me, as I will you
How pathetic am I?
I probably need therapy
If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand
But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand
I am so sick and tired of the things going on in college. I wonder if it’s unrealistic of me to want to avoid politics so much and to get frustrated and try to overcome them through dialogue but I can’t help it.
Perhaps it’s not politics but rather closed door politics and manipulation. *sigh* The way people go around lobbying and spreading disunity. I’m pretty sure you can lobby and get support and fight on your credentials the right way but this…. writing applications dripping with allegations and finding shady ways to snag votes, why? whyy?
Yes you can fight, but fight on merit, be fair. Understand that the point isn’t to get the post but to be the best person who can carry out the duties and responsibilities of that post. It’s not just a title, it’s a job.And regardless of whether or not you’re capable for the job or not, how you get it is still important. You shouldn’t just sweet talk teachers into cancelling elections and choosing you because you think you’re the most fit for the task. You shouldn’t secretly shift the voting pool so that you get an edge over your opponents. You shouldn’t use your father or friends connection with the higher ups to ensure you get chosen. Play fair and clean or don’t play because at the end of the day the society you fought to get the post in will suffer. People will resent you, they’ll be demotivated from working because clearly merit doesn’t count for anything, connections do. Since they didn’t choose you, they may not want to work with you and since they know how you got the post, they won’t respect you. You’ve created a negative atmosphere were people don’t feel like working or even being a part. You got what you wanted, but at what cost and to what end? It’s selfish.
Rigging positions is an abuse of power. Understand that. Until or unless you haven’t given everyone the chance to apply, clearly outlining the empty slots and time frame, you haven’t been fair. It is wrong. You fail as a leader. You are essentially a dictator and you don’t deserve to be given positions in which you can monopolize and abuse your power.
A generic argument but put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine you just wanted the opportunity to try and apply for a post but no one told you when the to apply. That the interviews were hush hush and only some select few favourites were told about them. Or that you wanted to apply and thought you were more than qualified but because you didn’t have connections so you didn’t get it. It’s not a reason but understand.
Healthy competition is important, and not getting what you want isn’t the end of the world. People can get over losing, but not if they feel cheated.
Still, one thing to keep in mind is that regardless of the post, it’s the mission that matters. To get things done, not necessarily to have your name on the door. And if you do get the post, please understand how heavy a burden that is. You can’t use it to be a dictator and make sweeping statements of ‘I’m ____________ and I say this is how it’s going to be’. Your job is collaboration, conflict resolution, management and empowerment. Don’t take that lightly. Transparent, open communication is important. Sometimes you may even have to do things that the majority want but you disagree with and that’s okay. It’s a give and take. You’re not here to enforce your will. You’re here to make sure there is cohesiveness and everyone is working at their maximum potential. Yes, you do get to make judgement calls, but you are answerable to your team for them. Recognize when pride clouds your judgement and realize that it isn’t a good enough justification for your actions.
Off the beaten road, there’s a trail
Unkempt and wild, pulsating with potential
A story untold, take my hand
This is what makes life worth living darling
People often think being idealistic is impractical, that it’s either one of the two; idealism or realism. Very few things are that black and white, if any. Why can’t we be idealistic and realistic? Dream big, keep our hopes high and work towards making them a material reality?
Often the biggest hard core ‘realists’ were once in fact idealists. They did hope. They did dream. But when they were laughed at and mocked for their ideas they gave up. They didn’t try, they didn’t work. They accepted people’s words as the truth and joined their ranks; battering and tearing down those who still had the audacity to hope and dream. These new recruits can be an idealist’s biggest obstacle. These people never got the chance to realize their own dreams and seeing yours makes them feel like an even bigger failure. They see you, with ideas for a brighter future and envy your carefreeness. They see their past selves in you and wish they could still have hope in the word too. They point out flaws and setbacks, laugh at your naivety and try to make you be realistic so that they can validate themselves. If you fall off the bandwagon it affirms their belief that yes, there is no hope and they were right to give up.
Hopes and dreams are one thing. Basic human decency is another. We are the product of our experiences. You don’t get a say in the hand destiny deals you, but you do get a say in how you react to it. Our choices are always our own, as are the consequences. Some people who get hurt repeatedly become frustrated. They see the world going about as though nothing had happened, no one caring about their pain and wonder if maybe they’re too emotional. They vow to not let anything get to them and grow cold and insensitive to the pain of other people too.
People who once trusted other people too easily and were betrayed begin abusing other people’s trust reasoning that that is simply how the world works. People who try to live honestly see their corrupt coworkers earning more, getting promoted and getting away with it and wonder why they’re even trying to be honest. Their colleagues come to the office late, waste time and no one says anything to them. They live comfortable lives while you’re putting yourself through hell and for what? No one’s watching, no one says anything, everyone does it. With this reasoning the honest forego their ideals and resign themselves to the status quo.
Now, change frames. Before, it was you who was getting mocked for your ideas, now you’re doing it to the next person. If the person gives up it was because of you. You were the representative of the world to that person. When someone is hurt and you see them going through the same thing you went through once, you have a choice, you can be cold and insensitive, like people were to you, or you can empathize and make sure the person knows they’re not alone. Again, you represent the world.
You betray someone’s trust; you teach them that the world doesn’t hold trust sacred, just like someone once did to you and someone may have done to them. Each person in the chain, changing the world forever through their actions. Same goes for corruption. Each person in that office thought they were making a decision for themselves, that it was normal. The fact is, they normalized it by accepting it; paving the way for all those to come.
There was a nice analogy of the world in a book I read. It went something like: ‘The world is like a cauldron and your actions, thoughts and ideas are the ingredients you get to add.’ –Forty Rules of Love, Elif Shafak.
Your actions and choices are your contributions to the lives of all the people you ever meet, even for a second. People make up the world. The world is made up of people. You are people to people just as they are people to you. Know this. A friendly wave, a smile, genuine concern, every minute small thing you do is how the world looks through someone else’s eyes. Know your power.
Don’t lose complete faith in the world, it’s the equivalent of losing faith in yourself. Use your struggles as fuel for hope; if you can stay a dreamer, emotional, trusting and honest, so can other people.
Have faith in yourself.
You are the world.
I used to see posts with people appreciating Teuchi, the owner of Ichiraku Ramen and I would think it’s people being overly dramatic over such a side character in Naruto. Only now with the new theme ending in season 20 am I comprehending how completely amazing he was!
He was probably one of the first people who was actually compassionate towards Naruto. Naruto, whose childhood is heart breaking. An orphan who never knew his parents and was shunned by the village people because of the Nine Tails power inside him. The people of Konaha had lost many loved ones to the Nine Tails rampage and had associated the pain, fear and anger to Naruto, the child who merely carried the Nine Tails.
People would give him a wide berth on the streets, teach their kids not to talk or play or with him, chase him out of their shops and as if that wasn’t enough they would glare at him, sneer, call him a monster. The kid faced all this since he was born. Imagine it, a three year old, a four year old, running into a park to play with the other kids only to have their parents whisk them away. To see families walking around, mothers and fathers treating their kids, worrying about them, carrying them on their shoulders or swinging from their arms and all he could do was look on and wonder why he didn’t have parents. Naruto grew up confused and lonely, yearning for people to see him, acknowledge him, to be his friends.
When you watch the closing clip and see young three year old Naruto peeking into Ichiraku from behind the wall and jumping up in fear when Teuchi spots him, it breaks your heart. To see such fear in his eyes because he’s so used to being shunned haunts you. No child should be made to feel like that. An outsider to the world with no claims to love and compassion from people.
Teuchi invited Naruto inside and gave him a bowl of hot ramen. It became the first place Naruto could go to and feel welcome. A place where people smiled at him, greeted him when he came in. Teuchi would often treat Naruto to free meals on special occasions, share his sorrows and success, ask him about his day.
People like this are the unsung heroes in this world. Their kindness is truly something to aspire to. He gave Naruto the love every kid deserves when no one else could care less. I cannot begin to explain how much I admire him. You can see how surprised Naruto is that the ramen is actually for him and then the smile that lights up his face is priceless. Children should always be smiling like that.
We need to be people like Teuchi from Ichiraku Ramen. Who see and help the people who need it most despite the prejudice around us. They’re the true warriors, the heroes that don’t get enough appreciation for what they do. It doesn’t take much. A kind word, a listening ear and some sincerity. Sincerity and love are all that people want, and orphans deserve it the most. You have no idea how it is to live without parents. To think you’re all alone in the world. Love isn’t confined for family, it’s for every one.
Understand people’s situation and don’t just feel bad for them. Share their pain. Do something, however small. It makes a huge difference.
The double meanings
The subtle hints
They can’t be entirely fictitious
They were most definitely there
Here I was frustrated
Here I was shocked
That I was wrong for so many years
That my delusions had soared that far
Why twist me in such knots?
Why drag it on so long?
Worst part is, I wonder if it was unconscious
Worst part is, I’m still making your excuses
I am so completely drained
I am so completely done
The answer is no clearer
The answer is I must answer
Hell to the no.
Fact is, the more you dwell the more insurmountable it seems.
I’ve been kind of obsessing again lately. All the things I wish were different, the whole ‘if only’ streak. It’s hard letting go of something you thought was the truth all those years. You wonder and you wonder of ways in which you could be wrong now just to justify your past delusion; but you have to accept it and work from that.
My coping mechanism for a terrible world is sleep. To just lay in bed, curl up with a layer of blanket hugging me and just drift off. So that’s been me the past couple of days. I caught myself mid process just now, realizing what I was doing and thought I’d write about it. Come up with a motivating solution. It could help.
Pity parties just come naturally to me. One thing gone wrong and I spiral into a vast ocean of all things to go wrong ever and how life sucks, and I do too kind of. Not everything is the end of the world. I should know that as well as all those unfortunate people out there who have the same tendency.
One great example is how I got a tad depressed over my siblings and cousins going out to a new eatery while I was out of town. It sounds like a small thing but my mind blew it wayy out of proportion and I was hugely down for a couple of hours. Turns out (I found out a few days later) that they never even went, they simply walked in, sat down and walked out. So I basically obsessed over nothing and ruined part of a pretty good day.
So what shall I do now? The problem at hand isn’t exactly small by any measure, objectively or especially subjectively. And what really has me pensive is wondering if I should be doing something. But I can’t think of anything. I’m at a stalemate and what I really want to do is leave it to destiny.
It sounds weak but I think sometimes it’s okay. When you can’t think of any plausible solution, when you’ve been deluded for years, and when you have indeed tried your best. Destiny is destiny, you work hard but at the end of the day whether you work or not, you get what you get. Try as hard as you can and leave the rest to God.
You can’t ever predict your life. Some things are up to fate. Try not to life pass you by while you obsess because that will happen, and it will happen without you even realizing it. Plus self pity gives you an excuse to go easy on yourself. ‘It’s okay if you didn’t give your porject 100%, shit was happening’ or ‘So what you weren’t there for your friend, you were going through your own hell’. *sigh* I’ve been guilty of both and a lot more the past year.
It’s easy to let yourself off. But time doesn’t come back. It’s not fair to you, or those around you. You’ll regret wasting so much energy on something you couldn’t have done anything about. All the mental tension and strain, how it influenced your life, will all have been for naught. Live your life and give things your 100%; no excuses. Leave to fate things you can not control. Breathe. It will be fine.
Breathe. Focus on the present.
I like to think I can understand a person’s situation. Put myself in their shoes and get a perspective. But time and time again I hit a blank wall. I cannot imagine how any living being can be cruel.Without reason. Like don’t you see what you’re doing?! How do you not see yourself!
Today some neighbourhood kids brought over a small, skinny, ginger coloured kitten;not more than a month or two old. She was a timid but friendly little thing. Never complaining when we picked her up, one after the other, to pet and fawn over her. I got some milk to give her and she periodically drank some, wandered around and drank so more, all the while meowing ever so sweetly.
After a while one of the adult neighbourhood cat’s wandered into the garden, eyes locked on the kitten. She was ginger coloured as well so I assumed she may be the mother who’s come to take her kid. With the kitten playing a few steps beneath where I was sitting the cat lunged at her, encompassing the tiny creature and biting viciously.
I was shocked and horrified. I had expected her to pick the kitten up and take her home. I had never seen anything like this in all my experience with kittens. When I realized something wasn’t right I jumped up and scared the cat away with the help of my housemaid. We stood there stunned when she was gone, looking at each other in horror. I couldn’t grasp what had happened. But I didn’t fully panic till I saw the blood beginning to pool around the poor things feet. This was beyond anything I could ever imagine. I’d heard about these things, I watch ‘Discovery’ and ‘National Geographic’, I’m not a stranger to predator-prey relationships. I don’t not know that animals kill one another…..but I never imagined this.
I ran inside to get some cotton and gauze to stop the bleeding some but by the time I got back she was lying in a pool of blood…..close to lifeless. I knew I couldn’t help her. I could barely look at her. I felt weak and helpless, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch her die. I stood outside, and calculated the chances of me saving her.
She had lost too much blood….. There was no one home to take me with her to the vet….I didn’t even know of any vets or veterinary facilities…. I couldn’t see me doing anything. I wished I had some morphine to inject her with so she wouldn’t be in pain. But my own helplessness…the suddenness….her life ebbing away…I was in shock. Why?! Why?? I stood there. Blank. Trying to come up with something. I was there when it had happened. I had let it happen. I should have done something sooner…
She passed away. I still can’t believe it. I keep seeing the cat lunge and the lifeless body in the pool of blood. I can’t process it…. My mind just gets kinda numb.
What does this mean? If something so horrible can happen right in front of you… for NO REASON… how can you ever save the people and things you care about? Is that life? Danger everywhere? For the first time I kind of actually first hand understand my parents insane protectiveness a bit. I mean there’s little you can do after something has happened. And you can never undo it. You don’t even know if you can fix it…. My dad always says better safe than sorry…
I don’t know. I don’t know.
Maybe tis as they say
Thee soul yearns for angst
Yet ache it does
Ache it does
To discourse casually through this pain
Thee heart is weak
Yet thou is needed
Thou is loved
Thy name is enough to set thee aflutter
Not a fan of confrontation
Yet what does thou know?
What does thou think?
Drowning in the regrets and what ifs
Thee wounds run deep
Yet is it too late?
Can we clean the slate?
Been ages since I wrote anything…. been contemplating to start for a week before I actually made it back here.
It’s just that my Facebook is getting crowded, Twitter too a bit.
Well my insecurities are growing alarmingly fast. I hate how I don’t feel like talking most of the time, but I want to be heard and matter at the same time. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t want to be an attention freak…I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just want to matter, my opinion to matter. Worst part is, I don’t think it matters myself how can other people?
And as if I didn’t have enough insecurities all these thoughts make me hate myself even more. *sigh*
I just want to go to a new place and start over. Or I just want to go to a jungle, desert, mountain, lake anywhere and just get lost in nature and see who I actually am. I feel like myself only when I’m alone or think I’m alone, the former being when I’m alone somewhere and the latter when I’m someplace new and no one knows me and I can say and do as I please.
Maybe I’m just a born loner.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this here…it’s public…but I want to. A bit.
I wonder how people can be so carefree… be quick at making decisions and be sure of themselves.
I understand jokes. I understand playful teasing. I understand lines.
I love freedom; the notion that I can do what I want if the fancy strikes me. But no matter which way I think of it, I see boundaries of even that. The boundaries that make me human; a functional, analytical, empathetic, emotional being. Something that separates me from your average primate. The more you let yourself go the more animalistic you are. As I’m writing this I have this feeling I dreamt of something similar last night. Something about having control over yourself. I wish I could remember, I think I learned something.
Anyway, so many people I know go over these boundaries and don’t even think twice about them. They seem to think that they’re just being truthful, or that they’re being themselves…. I’m all for being yourself, but not if it’s hurting someone. We humans are so weak, so little can wreak so much havoc in our minds and if you think that’s not true then you’re in denial. You’re repressing it, and that repression makes you cold. You don’t see people’s feelings anymore because you’re denying yourself of your own too. Feeling, its not so bad my friend. It has its highs and lows, but it shows you what you want in life. It makes a day interesting, and you see people as people just like you rather than as a sea of enemies out to get you.
I do a lot of stuff that I want to. But the lines I have made are the ones that I hope make my parents happy. I try and keep within the moral code of religion. Then there are the ones that I have to protect people ( My siblings being the exception)(It’s just hard being nice to them)(I am trying though). You have no idea what someone is going through, you have no idea what might hurt them, you have no idea if all their laughter is fake and they’re just really brilliant actors. I’ve met so many people who fall in these categories that social conversations get confusing 😛 haha, nah it’s ok. You won’t be like that.
I don’t know. Basically what I’m trying to say is that, find your boundaries. Especially in this day and age where every other facebook post, tweet or anything is basically telling you to be yourself and not care what people think. I agree, but people are taking it to mean be as rude as you want without any regard for anyone else. Assess what you would or wouldn’t do and why. You’ll find your framework. It won’t restrict you, it’ll make things clearer for you and you won’t do as much things that you’ll regret. You’ll be happier with yourself and decisions will be easier to take and follow through.
It all comes down to, what’s important to you?