Fact is, the more you dwell the more insurmountable it seems.
I’ve been kind of obsessing again lately. All the things I wish were different, the whole ‘if only’ streak. It’s hard letting go of something you thought was the truth all those years. You wonder and you wonder of ways in which you could be wrong now just to justify your past delusion; but you have to accept it and work from that.
My coping mechanism for a terrible world is sleep. To just lay in bed, curl up with a layer of blanket hugging me and just drift off. So that’s been me the past couple of days. I caught myself mid process just now, realizing what I was doing and thought I’d write about it. Come up with a motivating solution. It could help.
Pity parties just come naturally to me. One thing gone wrong and I spiral into a vast ocean of all things to go wrong ever and how life sucks, and I do too kind of. Not everything is the end of the world. I should know that as well as all those unfortunate people out there who have the same tendency.
One great example is how I got a tad depressed over my siblings and cousins going out to a new eatery while I was out of town. It sounds like a small thing but my mind blew it wayy out of proportion and I was hugely down for a couple of hours. Turns out (I found out a few days later) that they never even went, they simply walked in, sat down and walked out. So I basically obsessed over nothing and ruined part of a pretty good day.
So what shall I do now? The problem at hand isn’t exactly small by any measure, objectively or especially subjectively. And what really has me pensive is wondering if I should be doing something. But I can’t think of anything. I’m at a stalemate and what I really want to do is leave it to destiny.
It sounds weak but I think sometimes it’s okay. When you can’t think of any plausible solution, when you’ve been deluded for years, and when you have indeed tried your best. Destiny is destiny, you work hard but at the end of the day whether you work or not, you get what you get. Try as hard as you can and leave the rest to God.
You can’t ever predict your life. Some things are up to fate. Try not to life pass you by while you obsess because that will happen, and it will happen without you even realizing it. Plus self pity gives you an excuse to go easy on yourself. ‘It’s okay if you didn’t give your porject 100%, shit was happening’ or ‘So what you weren’t there for your friend, you were going through your own hell’. *sigh* I’ve been guilty of both and a lot more the past year.
It’s easy to let yourself off. But time doesn’t come back. It’s not fair to you, or those around you. You’ll regret wasting so much energy on something you couldn’t have done anything about. All the mental tension and strain, how it influenced your life, will all have been for naught. Live your life and give things your 100%; no excuses. Leave to fate things you can not control. Breathe. It will be fine.
Breathe. Focus on the present.
I understand jokes. I understand playful teasing. I understand lines.
I love freedom; the notion that I can do what I want if the fancy strikes me. But no matter which way I think of it, I see boundaries of even that. The boundaries that make me human; a functional, analytical, empathetic, emotional being. Something that separates me from your average primate. The more you let yourself go the more animalistic you are. As I’m writing this I have this feeling I dreamt of something similar last night. Something about having control over yourself. I wish I could remember, I think I learned something.
Anyway, so many people I know go over these boundaries and don’t even think twice about them. They seem to think that they’re just being truthful, or that they’re being themselves…. I’m all for being yourself, but not if it’s hurting someone. We humans are so weak, so little can wreak so much havoc in our minds and if you think that’s not true then you’re in denial. You’re repressing it, and that repression makes you cold. You don’t see people’s feelings anymore because you’re denying yourself of your own too. Feeling, its not so bad my friend. It has its highs and lows, but it shows you what you want in life. It makes a day interesting, and you see people as people just like you rather than as a sea of enemies out to get you.
I do a lot of stuff that I want to. But the lines I have made are the ones that I hope make my parents happy. I try and keep within the moral code of religion. Then there are the ones that I have to protect people ( My siblings being the exception)(It’s just hard being nice to them)(I am trying though). You have no idea what someone is going through, you have no idea what might hurt them, you have no idea if all their laughter is fake and they’re just really brilliant actors. I’ve met so many people who fall in these categories that social conversations get confusing 😛 haha, nah it’s ok. You won’t be like that.
I don’t know. Basically what I’m trying to say is that, find your boundaries. Especially in this day and age where every other facebook post, tweet or anything is basically telling you to be yourself and not care what people think. I agree, but people are taking it to mean be as rude as you want without any regard for anyone else. Assess what you would or wouldn’t do and why. You’ll find your framework. It won’t restrict you, it’ll make things clearer for you and you won’t do as much things that you’ll regret. You’ll be happier with yourself and decisions will be easier to take and follow through.
It all comes down to, what’s important to you?
What type of love tears you up inside?
Makes you want to abandon all you believe in
That too without even being asked?
What type of love makes you retreat into yourself?
Makes you struggle over thoughts and words
That too without any care or concern?
What type of love fills you with such desperation?
Makes you willing to love through your own hell
That too without any gratitude or acknowledgement?
What type of love leaves gaping holes in your heart?
Makes you yearn for mere words, true or not
That too without compassion or even a thought?
I’ll tell you
The wrong kind
And sometimes its just you. It always has been, you’re just so damn good at fooling yourself.
Is it so bad to live in a fantasy world? What even is reality? What if you just took some facts from the ‘real’ world and molded them into you’re fantasy? Plausible deniability.
Ok wait what even is reality? I mean we hardly ever have all the hard facts anyway. We have a few and we deduce the rest. Is it reality when you’re deductions are cynical and a fantasy when you dream for beautiful things. Other people will say so. They’ll say you’re lining yourself up for disappointment, sure that may be possible, but what you think will happen isn’t going to affect what will happen. So at least the moment till the truth hits is magical. Whereas for the realists it’s bleak. The end will be the same. (Though Noetic Science suggests our thoughts affect the outcome, just saying) What if the end was great? You didn’t waste your time and mood in worry. If it didn’t work out, well for a moment you thought it would, you had hope. Worry cripples you, hope paints a picture that adds a skip to your step. Life’s too short to spend all that time worrying and anticipating the worst.
I’ve been depressed for so long I got sick of it. I choose my fantasy. The world where I will travel across the globe. The world where I can start an orphanage and school. The world where I can be a book author. The world where the little things don’t bug me so much. The world where I can make a difference. The world where adventures are real not just in books. The world where anything is possible.
I’m a very nostalgic person. Someone who looks back and wishes she had more time. Sometimes impatient with the present while comparing it to the past. But as I mentioned in a previous post I found a little idea on how not to let it bother me so much. It goes along the lines of,’ at least it happened’. You know, at least I have those memories to cherish, what if I never had them? I wouldn’t trade them. You can draw strength from the good times to get through the bad.
Isn’t it amazing how you had such a good time in the past you can’t stand the present? It’s a credit to your past. And come on, you can’t have it good all the way through life. Through the present, let the past power the light in your eyes and the brightness of your smile.
Spread the love. Keep yourself happy. Brighten up other people’s world with your optimism too. Happiness is a state of mind you make for yourself. If you want to be sad you’ll find a thousand reasons, if you want to be happy you’ll find a thousand reasons. Depends what you’re looking for.
Reality usually has loopholes.
Heart aching ever so slightly
Pangs that came before,and now and then
Too painful to take lightly
Too inconsequential to take out a pen
What is has always been
Futile thoughts swimming, before,now and then
Too imposing to be left unseen
Too daunting to face therein
They said I was smart
Practicality never seemed more far-fetched
Too subjective to let emotions part
Too strung to dream of getting unlatched
Fact of the matter is I like it
I am my choices, I am my hopes
Too dreamy to leave it
Too caught up to mope
Heart enlightened with discovery
An independent soul in it’s own world
Too joyous at it’s own inventory
Too happy the idea got sold
Honey it’s GOLD. 😀
How truthful are we to ourselves?
We’re our greatest lawyers….. piling excuses upon excuses. Hiding the facts, from ourselves and the world. We just deny it. Feign surprise if it’s pointed out. Some part of us agrees we’re too aggressive, too bossy but if someone says it we ask other people their opinion. Latching onto the polite soul who gives us the excuse or denial we need. Some part of us wonders but we take comfort in that one shred of an alibi, hushing our doubt for a later time. For the next time.
I’m not saying bossy is a bad thing. It’s not entirely good either. I’m bossy. I know it. I get tense about getting things done on time, the right way, and I wield that desperation into telling people what to do. I wouldn’t need to if they had brains and weren’t complete idiots. Joking 😛 But yeah, it’s the sense of responsibility that spurs the bossiness. I accept that I should tone it down, it’s okay to dawdle in between. Though I don’t enjoy it, I know people do…..
The point is, you should own your flaws and consider what people have to say about them. Consider them, you don’t have to agree, just think about it. It could make life easier for you if people didn’t think you were arrogant and unreasonable. (I’m arrogant too by the way, possibly unreasonable at times)
Though I wonder. What if you liked being arrogant and unreasonable? Hmmm that’s a toughy. It’s hard to encourage that xD
Lol okay okay….ummm. Fine man, be arrogant and unreasonable. Own it. See how that works out for you. Just think though, if you’re smart you should actually accept the fact that you’re human, hence open to mistakes. Arrogance and unreasonability aren’t strong suits, they’re your weakness. Know it. At least that’s what I think….
At the end of the day. Your good and bad is you. Revel in it. Accept it. If you accept who you are, you can control who you are. Otherwise you’re lost. With no particular direction or evolution. If you don’t know who you are, you’re just a product of the things happening to you. Okay, yes everyone is a product of things happening to them but the thing is how we act in those situations is who we are, if you’re not aware of who you are, your actions are almost animalistic. A simple product of society, like a leaf being blown by the wind. With no idea where its going and why. Your acceptance of who you are, warts and all, is your anchor. The key to achieving your goals.
Take responsibility for your actions and their consequences.
Find your anchor. 🙂
It’s hard to explain. How the more integrated I get, the more I just want to stay at home. Every day, I make myself go because I have work to do. Sometimes I want people to talk to me, at others I just want to be alone. I don’t understand what to say, it feels awkward and I get easily overwhelmed. In contrast, I want to do things. I want people to value my opinion. It makes no sense.
I dislike being watched. That may be it. I love the freedom you have when no one’s observing you, like when you’re new to a place and no one looks twice or has any expectations. It’s so utterly freeing, like you can do anything. The more you get accustomed to a place, the more familiar it becomes, the more you get molded into a particular character and role, and the harder it is to break free. That exasperates me, it dims the thrill of a new day. It’s frustrating.
Right now, I want to skip college for a few days, until people kind of forget me and then I can go back and get some semblance of invisibility. But then now I’m ‘Girls Representative’ (the equivalent of prefect) and I have to be responsible. I understand that. I will be responsible and do what I should, but………. I get confused on what to say to people sometimes. I get uncomfortable and totally useless. That’s my problem though, and I’ll handle it. Right now that means talking excessively and over-compensating.
Well I don’t want to waste your time with just this rant, let’s be productive. Ummmm…. well if it does become too much I think I am entitled to a few days off. So that’s OK. And getting uncomfortable around people, let’s be serious, everyone feels that way…. I should just…. bear it? No man, that’s belittling it, that aint right. Let’s work on that. Try different things out…… Oh God this last paragraph is stupid.
I have a pretty bleak outlook on life sometimes. You might know it; it’s the one where you don’t really see the point in anything because you’re just like ‘ we’re all going to die anyway’. Or you can’t enjoy anything because it’s all so predictable. There’s the other outlook as well, where all you can think of is what might have been, how much you miss your friends, the old carefree times, how you’re not where you wanted to be in life, doubting your dreams etc.
Yeap, I go down that lane often. Too often. But today I had a thought. I miss my granddad, I miss my friends, but what if I’d never had those moments with them? The memories I cling to and cherish? Where would I be without them? WHO would I be without them? Looking back on those moments I shouldn’t fall on my knees in misery, I shouldn’t hug pillows to my chest and try to cover the gaping hole in my heart. I should remember and be grateful that fate had smiled on me so warmly. That I had had such a great granddad, that I had been so fortunate as to have had such awesome friends.
Looking back, take a deep breath and feel the euphoria. All those memories, all those people, they are with you. No one can take those times away from you. When you think that life is predictable, wake up and smell the sweet summer air because life is anything but predictable. That’s the beauty of it. No matter how sure you are, you’re wrong.
Yes, yes we’re all going to die, but does that mean we can’t have some fun before we go? That we can’t enjoy these things called emotions, that if allowed, can wreak havoc on our minds in the most beautiful of ways? Don’t buffer the love inside you, let other people feel it too. Don’t let the hate and jealousy fester inside of you, reason with it. It’s one thing to be realistic, it’s another to know the cold hard facts, and to play with them.
Be grateful for what you had, never lose hope that there won’t be more. If the current circumstances aren’t working for you, it’s OK to indulge in your memories of better times, it’s not living in the past, it’s finding a way to get through the present.
Why oh why is it so hard for people to believe that someone does something for someone else simply out of the goodness of their heart? Ulterior motives, seriously? Is that why you do everything? Just goes to show how self serving you are. The problem though is the fact that since a majority of the population is self serving they all think along the same track. Hence you’re misunderstood, but they don’t know that. They think they have you pinned.
These people seriously need a vacuum for their thoughts; suck them all into a dirty grimy tube where they belong and hope their head stays clean. Ok the last part was a little extreme, but I wanted to use a description, a dramatic description.
You probably already know this, but people are pretty willing to discard logic and empathy during an argument, the time when you need them the most. They’ll call you names, suspect your motives and stick to their stance stubbornly because now pride’s in the way as well. If they lose the argument that means their ego will get affected. It doesn’t matter to them how what they’re doing is affecting someone else, or that they’re being unjust. No, they must win, at any cost.
You cannot win an argument where logic has been sidelined. What will the premises be? What are the boundaries? It’s so frustrating. I feel like making them sit down and say look, this person here, yeah they have feelings too, as well as rights, don’t overstep them so that person who you want to win gets an unfair advantage. I am not against the said person, I’m just saying, let the proceedings be fair. Let all the candidates be on equal ground. Is it such an abominable thought?
We need to stop letting friendships cloud our judgement. I am sick of people getting opportunities just because they know the right people. Where’s the justice? If you’re the one giving someone an opportunity or award simply because you like them or know them, you are answerable. You are answerable to everyone you stole it from. The problem is that we don’t care about that, unless we’re the one’s being cheated. We need to take responsibility and make other people take it too. Nepotism needs to end. Yes we’re your friend, we love you, but what’s wrong is wrong. I hate people who are prejudiced, who can’t make unbiased decisions or look at both sides of an argument. Instead of fighting, we should put our egos to the side and discuss things with our heads, make compromises and promote people based on their abilities, not connections. Try to hurt as less people as possible, reason with them, make them happy. Yes, you can’t please everyone but is it insane to try? Is it ridiculous to be reasonable? Is justice wrong?
You know compliments are kind of weird. You can’t say that people don’t give them because lots of people do, and you can’t say people do give them because lots of jealous people don’t. But you should! And you know what? You should give them even more when you’re a stranger to the person. Like if you’re walking by someone and you see a drawing or something, and you genuinely like it, stop by and say it. First of all, why not? What’s the person gonna do to you anyway? Second of all, a stranger’s compliment is a pretty great thing. I mean your friends won’t ever tell you the truth, well even if they are telling you the truth you don’t really believe them, but a stranger is reliable. I mean you’re totally objective. You could have walked by without saying anything if you didn’t like it, but the fact that you actually liked something enough to say it makes it a worthy opinion. The main reason you SHOULD compliment the person being that it’ll make them happy. And we should spread that as much as we can.
In contrast, if you hate the drawing or whatever, the drawing being an analogy, just shut up and walk on. You don’t know the whole story, you’re not entitled to judge anyone. Heck even if we discuss the drawing literally, who are you to say art is bad. Art is too subjective for anyone’s opinion to be valid.
Basically compliment people as much as you can. Genuinely of course…….though there are grey areas. I mean when you have the power to make someone happy, to encourage them, to boost their confidence, why won’t you use it?
Teachers are people who we directly or indirectly look to for guidance. Even the most laid back student who hardly pays attention in class is affected by what a teacher says to them. But for some reason I don’t think teachers know this, or if they do and they still choose to act rudely, well they don’t deserve to be in the profession. Yes you’re allowed to get angry, yes you are human, but is it so hard to apologize? Or is it so hard to use a softer tone.
I went to talk to my biochemistry sir after class to ask a few questions because I love asking questions, even stupid ones. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt anything otherwise. But whatever, so I went and waited outside his office before he let me in. Then as soon as I walked in he started yelling at me for trying to bunk the next class. He didn’t even listen to the questions, he just told me to go to class and to not be so rude. It’s a new university and I don’t exactly have friends so I just felt so bad.
My friend told me about a teacher of hers who demeans her all the time too. It made her hate the subject. That’s how seriously a teacher can affect a kid’s future. They play with our lives with their moods and they don’t even know it. A teacher has the power to make a person, to break a person. And with great power comes great responsibility.
So many teachers get annoyed at questions. They just want you to sit there and nod, then they pretend to care and ask if anyone has questions when in fact they’re not really interested, save a few. First of all they should encourage questions, we have robots to learn stuff without reason, and second if you really don’t want us to as questions, don’t even dangle the option in front of us and then yell at us for our stupidity afterwards.
I hope a teacher reads this and actually realizes that students do care, though we pretend to laugh it off.
You know that moment before you go on stage, in front of a crowd of strangers, and your stomach churns your insides, gnawing at you and making you feel like you have heart burn? Have you ever wondered why? Is it because you think your going to trip in your heels? That you’ll be speechless and people will laugh?
I had to give a speech tonight. It was my graduation, and well I didn’t HAVE to give it, but I wanted to. Even though the very thought gave me mini panic attacks and nausea. I’m actually not THAT shy of crowds, especially a crowd of strangers, I mean what are they going to do? Laugh? Laugh all they want I’ll never see them again. But my parents make me nervous. It’s probably my inherent need to please them that makes me want to be good, and I’m not good hence the panic. But well I wanted to give the speech because it was my graduation, I wanted the experience and the adrenaline. I’ve been cooped up at home for ages, which might explain why people now make me nervous. Even so I gave the speech. *rolls eyes* I only realized afterwards how utterly arrogant it was but alas nothing can be done now except to improve my future speeches. Anyway it went OK. I faltered a bit on the second paragraph but I got back into the flow a little towards the middle.
My best friend Shafia Elahi has a brother Abdul Rehman who has this awesome motto ‘If your afraid of it, do it’. Beautiful right. I don’t know if it’s original but whatever the case it’s a pretty cool motto. It would make life fun right? Full of a kind of thrill. Keeping morals in check that is. You could accomplish so much if every time you got scared, instead of hitting the deck you embraced the fear head on. Easier said than done, but it’s worth a shot. Seriously though, we give other people too much credit, everyone gets nervous,its not the end of the world. Anyone can look confident but be weak inside, and its OK. Give people a break, as well as yourselves. We are not perfect, we are humans. Chill and next time your scared, hit the adrenaline.
Anyone can use fancy words, it’s what they do that counts. ~A.A.J
I don’t write book reviews. I haven’t written one since I lived in England I think, or maybe I did write one on Pride and Prejudice once for an assignment in Pakistan….but whatever I don’t really remember how to and I never felt inclined to learn. But after reading ‘The Diary of Anne Frank’, sometimes published under the name of ‘The Diary of a Young Girl’ I had to write about it. It’s a book that I HIGHLY recommend. It’s simply brilliant.
I took a picture of some of the parts that I especially enjoyed. The thoughts of a headstrong girl, misunderstood by those around her and fighting to remain cheerful in the midst of a war. Anne Frank was a Jew from the town of Frankfurt, Germany who moved to Holland when the Nazi’s came to power. However even Holland wasn’t safe from Hitlers reach and the Franks were forced into hiding in 1942. They stayed in hiding for over two years along with another family. The diary gives a personal touch to the everyday problems and dilemma’s that plague a young girls mind. Though when reading it you’ll find that Anne was extremely wise for her age, I would say maybe even more than most adults. A thought provoking must read for teenagers and adults.
You laze around, do what you want, occasionally feel guilty, comfort yourself that you’ll change, that you have plenty of time to make amends, to repent, to ask for forgiveness, but who the hell gave you that insurance? I don’t think any of us can be sure that we’re going to be alive tomorrow. You can’t even guarantee that your next breath won’t be your last. We view ourselves as the heroes of our lives, we watch movies, tv serials, drama’s that show us that heroes don’t die until they’ve done all they wanted to in life. But that’s not true, people die all the time, suddenly, without warning, with their dreams still on hold, the dreams and hopes that die with them. What about them? Is it really that impossible that you won’t be one of them?
We plot and we plan our futures, but what about the here and now? These moments, they do count, and they won’t come back. The here and now, that’s what will decide what will happen to you after you die. We forget, we’re humans and we forget. I’m ashamed to admit that I often shrug at my own carelessness, I sometimes skip namaz(prayer) and I regret it so much. I hope I won’t forget, I’m going yo try my best not to forget, to not be lazy. I mean is our will power really that weak? That we can’t get past our own laziness, our own desires. Are we no more than mere animals? Governed by our instincts, our drives, our emotions.
We can change, with time we can change. Our fate, our future both in this life and the next is entirely up to us. If you fall short, you have no one to blame but yourself. The journey is tough, but be patient, Allah (God) is Just.