From my window of Gynaecology Unit 2, District Headquarters Hospital, Faisalabad, Punjab, Pakistan, in the wee hours of the morning, in between patient CTGs.
And as I sit on the other side of the wall, unable to sleep from the bruises and the loneliness; to have you to close yet so far and indifferent. The bruises are getting slightly numb from the cold and I thought my feelings were too as I listened to your carefree laughter from the room. But as I type this, some tears spill free. Tears I had wanted to flow but that couldn’t make until I put these thoughts into written words.
Gazing at the snow capped mountains and the twinkling stars, I wonder why I ever forgot I was always actually alone. How had I let myself slip this far. And a new resolve simmers though I fear for its short lifespan because how can I be mad at the person I love with all my heart. Yes it hurts, I can’t sleep from the mental and physical pain, same as yesterday. But I had also just yesterday read a quote by Paulo Coelho that I told myself I would try to live by and learn be grateful.
Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.
And happy days I have had. So I shall smile and act as though nothing has changed and all is fine but deep down, I just rediscovered my long lost truth. I am alone. ~ 1706
I never knew I could ever trust completely
Experience has taught me to expect anything
Did you know, I don’t even trust myself
I never knew feeling myself trust would be this terrifying
But I have knots in my stomach and if I think too much about it, I can’t breathe right
But I’ve never met anyone who kept their word like you
I don’t fancy myself a liar, but sometimes even I don’t mean what I say so completely, so literally
And as I question my own sincerity, I blink against your raw honesty
It’s dazzling, magnificent
I find myself having faith in it, trusting to put it mildly
I had well constructed solid walls that I can feel dissolving
But all good things end, and nothing lasts forever, I know this
I’m a woman of common sense, so this complete trust in another human confounds me
Not even my father always keeps his word or his story straight
That’s not fair, I know you’ve had your moments of hypocrisy
But you alway believe in what you say, fiercely
And I’ve joked that you shouldn’t be so quick to judge
But I’ve never met someone who means what they say as much as you
What a pleasant surprise to add to the list of reasons I love you
For I didn’t need reasons and yet here you are, blinding me in admiration
I’ve seen people change, people I thought I knew
I’ve vowed to not let anything surprise me
Years of pain engraving the lessons
And yet here I am, watching my heart slip
It was scary accepting the torrent of emotion I have for you
I didn’t even realise I was capable of this sort of trust
Yes, I have seen a lot and I know people are fickle
Yet here I am, coming to terms with a fresh realisation
I’m beginning to trust you completely
And with this I give you even more power
I dug my grave the moment I gave you a chance at my heart
You already had to the tools to end me
But with this, I’m not sure what’ll be left
I’ve tested you countless times and I still will
But now I’m no longer hoping you fail
What a silly fool.
And it’s as though each tragedy and miracle unhinges me a little more from reality.
I’ve been lost for a long time. But now I can’t even see the shore.
To describe it to another I would say it’s like floating. Where nothing is real, and dreams and ‘reality’ morph. Unable to tell which from which.
Moments where I have to literally wake myself up from the haze, blink and look around. Trying to ground myself. Endlessly trying to anchor and tell myself that this is where I am, this is reality.
Would you believe me if I say that’s been me since the last 3 years?
Would you believe me if I say, no one’s noticed?
I barely notice at times, I’m a highly functional mess after all.
The biggest problem is, I can’t find where the break is… is it the pain? Is it the betrayal? Is it the world shaking, mind numbing, incomprehensible events that have toyed with my feelings and uprooted my world time and time again?
I’m lost. That’s the only insight I have unto this mess.
I often wonder if it’s my adamant stance to stick to my beliefs, to want to believe them even though they’re the reason I’ve been pounded repeatedly.
I want to care, but as I lose myself, I find myself drifting. Being unable to do basic things.
I want to care and when I realise how laid back I’ve become I don’t recognise myself.
Too tired to make efforts. Too lost to pay attention. And therein lies most of the problem.
Neither here nor there.
Refusing to let go mentally when in reality by dissociation I guess I have.
And that makes me someone I do not want to be.
Maybe that’s it.
What do I do about the pain though?
That’s a plan I can try. Take a deep breath and try to forget. Try to forgive.
It stings. My heart aches but I’ve been nursing it for so long maybe it’s time to stop babying it and retreating into myself.
Feeling sorry isn’t changing anything.
Denial only temporarily muffles the blow and regret can’t change facts..
I know all this.
But what choice do I have but to don the armour and go back to battle?
To be more conscious of my actions and not make excuses for myself.
To allow myself to accept the good without waiting for it to implode and add another scar.
I just want to wake up from the haze.
They think I’m strong
I’m stubborn and independent
Maybe that’s what fooled them
I can do what needs to be done
Pushing forward, feelings aside
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt
I care too much
Get attached too easily
Disappointment and heartbreak 1-0-1
They think I can fight my battles
Like I said, I can do what needs to be done
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t need help
I’ve learnt to do everything myself
Self preservation more than anything else
Better not hope than cry all the time
Don’t be alarmed
Though yes, this is self pity
But like I said, I’ve grown used to it with time
They think I’m strong
I laugh and cry
Keeping up the act and dying inside
14th August 1947 is the day Pakistan gained independence from British rule and established itself as a Muslim majority country separate from India.
The day is celebrated with zeal and zest unlike any other holiday in the year. It is the day we remember the sacrifices our countrymen have made to make this country and celebrate how far we’ve come.
This picture is a mere snippet of the enthusiasm with which every Pakistani joins in the festivities. People dress up whether they’re going out for a quick shop or to parade the streets singing nationalist songs.
As you can see, no one misses out on the fun.
Fact is, the more you dwell the more insurmountable it seems.
I’ve been kind of obsessing again lately. All the things I wish were different, the whole ‘if only’ streak. It’s hard letting go of something you thought was the truth all those years. You wonder and you wonder of ways in which you could be wrong now just to justify your past delusion; but you have to accept it and work from that.
My coping mechanism for a terrible world is sleep. To just lay in bed, curl up with a layer of blanket hugging me and just drift off. So that’s been me the past couple of days. I caught myself mid process just now, realizing what I was doing and thought I’d write about it. Come up with a motivating solution. It could help.
Pity parties just come naturally to me. One thing gone wrong and I spiral into a vast ocean of all things to go wrong ever and how life sucks, and I do too kind of. Not everything is the end of the world. I should know that as well as all those unfortunate people out there who have the same tendency.
One great example is how I got a tad depressed over my siblings and cousins going out to a new eatery while I was out of town. It sounds like a small thing but my mind blew it wayy out of proportion and I was hugely down for a couple of hours. Turns out (I found out a few days later) that they never even went, they simply walked in, sat down and walked out. So I basically obsessed over nothing and ruined part of a pretty good day.
So what shall I do now? The problem at hand isn’t exactly small by any measure, objectively or especially subjectively. And what really has me pensive is wondering if I should be doing something. But I can’t think of anything. I’m at a stalemate and what I really want to do is leave it to destiny.
It sounds weak but I think sometimes it’s okay. When you can’t think of any plausible solution, when you’ve been deluded for years, and when you have indeed tried your best. Destiny is destiny, you work hard but at the end of the day whether you work or not, you get what you get. Try as hard as you can and leave the rest to God.
You can’t ever predict your life. Some things are up to fate. Try not to life pass you by while you obsess because that will happen, and it will happen without you even realizing it. Plus self pity gives you an excuse to go easy on yourself. ‘It’s okay if you didn’t give your porject 100%, shit was happening’ or ‘So what you weren’t there for your friend, you were going through your own hell’. *sigh* I’ve been guilty of both and a lot more the past year.
It’s easy to let yourself off. But time doesn’t come back. It’s not fair to you, or those around you. You’ll regret wasting so much energy on something you couldn’t have done anything about. All the mental tension and strain, how it influenced your life, will all have been for naught. Live your life and give things your 100%; no excuses. Leave to fate things you can not control. Breathe. It will be fine.
Breathe. Focus on the present.
And sometimes its just you. It always has been, you’re just so damn good at fooling yourself.
It’s hard to explain. How the more integrated I get, the more I just want to stay at home. Every day, I make myself go because I have work to do. Sometimes I want people to talk to me, at others I just want to be alone. I don’t understand what to say, it feels awkward and I get easily overwhelmed. In contrast, I want to do things. I want people to value my opinion. It makes no sense.
I dislike being watched. That may be it. I love the freedom you have when no one’s observing you, like when you’re new to a place and no one looks twice or has any expectations. It’s so utterly freeing, like you can do anything. The more you get accustomed to a place, the more familiar it becomes, the more you get molded into a particular character and role, and the harder it is to break free. That exasperates me, it dims the thrill of a new day. It’s frustrating.
Right now, I want to skip college for a few days, until people kind of forget me and then I can go back and get some semblance of invisibility. But then now I’m ‘Girls Representative’ (the equivalent of prefect) and I have to be responsible. I understand that. I will be responsible and do what I should, but………. I get confused on what to say to people sometimes. I get uncomfortable and totally useless. That’s my problem though, and I’ll handle it. Right now that means talking excessively and over-compensating.
Well I don’t want to waste your time with just this rant, let’s be productive. Ummmm…. well if it does become too much I think I am entitled to a few days off. So that’s OK. And getting uncomfortable around people, let’s be serious, everyone feels that way…. I should just…. bear it? No man, that’s belittling it, that aint right. Let’s work on that. Try different things out…… Oh God this last paragraph is stupid.
So today I went to a diabetes conference in a nearby hotel. It was ok, though the speakers were terrible. They literally just made a slideshow presentation and read off of it. All I could think of, and it was seriously hard to stop myself from going on stage and teaching them how to talk to an audience, was that I could read off those slides and do it better. They were getting shields for absolutely nothing. I could copy paste bullet points about diabetes from the internet and drone better than them. It was aggravating. Between speeches the host had to keep coming on stage to remind us how wonderful the previous speaker was and how his monotonous, long presentation was so brief, kudos to him and could everyone please give him a round of applause. That host needed a good talking to.
Anyway back to the topic, so I was coming back from the tea that had just been served after the first two sessions. Walking through the hall, I noticed a guy, a big guy, turn around and look at me. The way he looked, it seemed like he recognized me from somewhere though I was absolutely clueless about him. He turned back around and walked on and I disregarded it. But the weird thing was that when I sat down I thought I could feel him looking at me.
Haha, the things that went through my head. I’m not joking when I say I still think my theories are possible…… my first thought was he’s an assassin sent to kill me. I know a few people who aren’t very happy with me right now, and they have ways. o.o
Then I thought no, maybe he’s from the future and he’s here to thank me for something I did, he could be here to protect from a potential threat too, arrogant I know, but my thoughts aren’t that censored. That one is the most likely of the theories, my dreams are so coming true; yay. Anyway another one was that I was imagining it and it was all in my head. That’s stupid though, people have senses for a reason, plus pssshhhh being self conscious doesn’t make you imagine things, that’s far fetched. It’s not even a theory, just a passing thought. Moving on……my last theory was that the guy was a gangster from the future sent to kill me because……well I don’t know why. I mean I’m pretty damn great.
All in all, I didn’t really think I’d make it home today. I was going to be abducted and tortured to death. What a thrilling end.
But I’m still here, in front of my laptop. Boring much?…..yep.
P.S…….this is a very lame post…..I don’t know why I’m publishing it…..
Why oh why is it so hard for people to believe that someone does something for someone else simply out of the goodness of their heart? Ulterior motives, seriously? Is that why you do everything? Just goes to show how self serving you are. The problem though is the fact that since a majority of the population is self serving they all think along the same track. Hence you’re misunderstood, but they don’t know that. They think they have you pinned.
These people seriously need a vacuum for their thoughts; suck them all into a dirty grimy tube where they belong and hope their head stays clean. Ok the last part was a little extreme, but I wanted to use a description, a dramatic description.
You probably already know this, but people are pretty willing to discard logic and empathy during an argument, the time when you need them the most. They’ll call you names, suspect your motives and stick to their stance stubbornly because now pride’s in the way as well. If they lose the argument that means their ego will get affected. It doesn’t matter to them how what they’re doing is affecting someone else, or that they’re being unjust. No, they must win, at any cost.
You cannot win an argument where logic has been sidelined. What will the premises be? What are the boundaries? It’s so frustrating. I feel like making them sit down and say look, this person here, yeah they have feelings too, as well as rights, don’t overstep them so that person who you want to win gets an unfair advantage. I am not against the said person, I’m just saying, let the proceedings be fair. Let all the candidates be on equal ground. Is it such an abominable thought?
We need to stop letting friendships cloud our judgement. I am sick of people getting opportunities just because they know the right people. Where’s the justice? If you’re the one giving someone an opportunity or award simply because you like them or know them, you are answerable. You are answerable to everyone you stole it from. The problem is that we don’t care about that, unless we’re the one’s being cheated. We need to take responsibility and make other people take it too. Nepotism needs to end. Yes we’re your friend, we love you, but what’s wrong is wrong. I hate people who are prejudiced, who can’t make unbiased decisions or look at both sides of an argument. Instead of fighting, we should put our egos to the side and discuss things with our heads, make compromises and promote people based on their abilities, not connections. Try to hurt as less people as possible, reason with them, make them happy. Yes, you can’t please everyone but is it insane to try? Is it ridiculous to be reasonable? Is justice wrong?
I always do this shit. I pin expectations on people, get self conscious around them, and all for nothing. This has got to end. I’m too old for this shit. Focus. Focus.
I need to stop these fantasies here and now. They’re so utterly pointless. They just make you feel like an idiot. But what can I do if I have an overactive imagination. Imagination and thoughts are so beautiful, but they’re distracting. What to do, what to do. Maybe if I didn’t let people get to me. Easier said than done. You know, I’m most comfortable around strangers. The more I get to know people, the quieter I become. MAJOR problem. What am I doing? Shit I’m talking to myself again. Dammit.
I walk into the university campus and wander around the corridors, openly staring down all the people who have the misfortune to pass by me on this fine cloudy day. I was Arya Chaching, I was an author, I had a blog, I could do what I wanted without having to worry about what people thought about me. Besides I only stare for sociological reasons…… and well because I’m a writer, I need to observe. I can’t help laughing at the thought. Bahaane.
I’m late for class again. I don’t care. I will take my own sweet time because not only have I got no one to impress, but the weather’s so beautiful. I’d rather be out here than in a stuffy room which has barely enough oxygen for a dozen people let alone the hundred or so that squeeze in. I trudge towards class, it’s going to be ok, everything’s going to be fine. To my right a hawk swoops down and grabs a twig from the lawn. I stop and stare, awed. It’s so huge, it’s so cool. It glides away with it’s spoils and I watch it shrinking in the distance.
Refreshed I continue my journey and sing to myself. Today is a good day.
I walk in class, everyone turns around and stares. Cheeks aflame I sit down on the nearest seat I can find. Shit. Back to notch one.
Time passes, slow, slower, fast
What do we search for in our past
Staring backwards at what was
With rose tinted eyes abuzz
Yearning for what can never be
Barely looking past what we see
Oh if only this, if only that
Get past it already you old bat
The future is ours for the taking
But it’s so much easier to be complaining
How about taking stuff in strides
Rather than getting washed in the tide
Oh time our fickle foe
Damn do you annoy us so
Forget the bags, ditch the packing
Grab your will and let’s go backpacking
Entry tests, entry tests, entry tests everywhere >.< There go my summer vacations down the drain. It’s such a drag, having to study rather than have fun with ones cousins and partying with ones friends. Funny thing is that I have an entry test tomorrow…..the one to my ideal university, and here I am, writing. Before you start pointing fingers let me just say, I need this. I’ve been itching to write for the past week but I’ve always managed to keep the drive at bay…… but now that I’m also staying away from Facebook, this is like my only outlet so let me be. 😛
Dammit, there are so many people competing in the tests and only one hundred or so get selected. Guess what my roll number is? 00003335. I can safely say there are 3334 people I’m up against and I can estimate that the actual number is in fact a lot bigger. *sigh* Well I’m drinking Sting(energy drink) so that should give me an edge 😉 haha, no wait don’t laugh….I need what little I can get ok. xD And this is only the first entry tests in a long list, line, queue of entry tests……just the thought makes me sleepy.
And if I get left behind? Oh crap that’s a depressing prospect. I should have had a back up plan. xD If I don’t get into medical it’ll be catastrophic, but no, I will never let that happen. I’l go beg for an acceptance if I have to……yes, I am that desperate. You know the creepiest part? I’ve heard that in the interviews the —(ideal uni) people hire psychiatrists to observe the candidates. So while we’re stuttering our way through the interviews we’re going to have to ignore the person in specs, scrutinizing our every minute movement, and taking notes with worried expressions. I swear if I see a frown from that psychiatrist I’m going to bolt, I mean it’s highly probable that they realized I’m actually a serial killer. o.o Or worse, that I’m not — material. Though what are they thinking? Psychoanalyzing us when we’re terrified out of our wits, we’re obviously gonna exhibit some sort of mental disorder. I might be bipolar to them, and the girl before me probably had OCD. Oii smart people, we’re tense, let us be.
Oh and I used ‘—‘ in case the — people find this offensive in any way. The uni isn’t actually called — its actually……………… Oh look, some almonds. 😉
Charles Horton Cooley in his concept of the looking glass self describes how we,humans, tend to derive our essence, our personality from those around us. He explains this as, ‘There is no self without society, no “I” without a corresponding “they” to provide our self image.’ We look at how other people perceive us, and judge ourselves accordingly.
Now is that right? I mean people don’t know us fully, they only see what we show them. Then they judge us based on how we treat them, selfishly without any consideration to the bigger picture. But then again, technically how we react to people is who we are, even if we are faking it, is still ‘us’, under our conscious control.
It’s a twisting concept…..Cooley basically explains how we wouldn’t have personalities without society. That there’d be no self,we wouldn’t have proper emotions or coherant thoughts …………. Thats a big hole in the Tarzan story. 😛 Sorry that was random. I guess it is Disney so anything is possible. Disney’s awesome. 😀 …………Ok back to the topic.
So basically no matter how much we try to not let people affect us, they do. They’re the ones who tell us who we are, but what we choose to do with that image is up to us. If people view us as stupid, it’s up to us whether to let that be true and do nothing, or try to change that about ourself. That way we influence their views, and hence our views, so we have some control over it! Yes! Thats somewhat comforting……But technically our attitude to peoples views also depends upon how we saw people tackle similar situations. So the people also influence our reactions to their thoughts.
Confusing stuff…….very twisted. Everyone we know, knew or will know….. they all have an impact on us.