Hold your own
know your name
and go your own way. ~Details in the Fabric
The thought is numbing
Standing up and being made a fool
Not being able to speak
No coherant thoughts
With observing eyes
Letting people down
Knowing I can’t argue
That people are scary
Their judging ways
Get under my skin
Into my thoughts
Its a stone cold paralysis
Of the highest degree
Maybe it’s just me, or perhaps you might be able to relate.
Fact is, it’s easier to accomplish goals and tasks when no one else believes you can. Ok, fine…. Scratch no one, MOST people. It makes the goal even more worthwhile, and fulfilling it a true victory. You want to try and accomplish something no one else has, or something that they have but no one believes you can do too. It’s a challenge. Not something cliché. Surpassing even your own expectations is even better.
BUT everything comes crashing down on you when you do a little, and suddenly everyone thinks you can do anything. They start expecting stuff from you and the goal just loses its charm. It’s glamour. Yep that’s the cliff I’ve fallen down. Just cause of my achievements last year suddenly everyone in school thinks I can do anything. I have like four subjects in my A level right now that I’m studying seriously while two others I’m dabbling in. Both teachers want me to take their subject because they think I can get them the good grades they need. What they don’t understand is that last year, that might have been slightly possible, but this year I have enough on my plate what with being Head Girl and failing in my priority subjects like Math and Physics. I even tried explaining it, but they just shook their heads and said they knew I could do it. I was both honoured and astounded. What really got me incredulous was my principal’s reaction when I said I wanted to take sociology, but only attend the lessons when I felt like it. She actually agreed! I was like dammnnn these people have so much faith.
Those were the issues in the beginning of the year, when everyone was still reveling in my 4 A’s in AS. (Which by the way I know I honestly got from luck and the kids prayers, I seriously told all the little kids to pray for my exams 😛 ) But I found out that some still think that. My sister’s friend’s heck even my brother and sister think I can do anything. It irritates me now. I feel like saying leave me alone people. I’m just like you guys….I just like utilizing time in a different way. Ugh! Ah well. I can’t go around and slap the sense in everyone myself now can I? No matter how tempting 😛 I guess I’ll have to hope it dies down and they all get a life.
That was a major driving force though you know. Proving people wrong through accomplishments. Now I’m stuck with just doing it cause I need to….boring.
Its not just competitions and stuff…. other things like personality. People instantly judge you as something. They can’t know the whole truth in two seconds, yet they still get all emotional and let down when you turn out to be different from what they thought. Well who asked you to expect so much in the first place?
There was an understanding
An agreement between hearts
That was so secure,full of trust
School was a hangout
Everyday an adventure
Where missing out on one day
Was pure torture
Talking, as easy as breathing
Laughing as effortless as blinking
Always knowing you weren’t being judged
A sense of freedom and confidence
A pack that was invincible
We didn’t need the world
Too good to last
Time caught up with us
Tearing us apart
Throwing reality in our faces
Looking back on it all
The times feel too good to be real
A dream way too surreal
People can be so mean…..They probably don’t think what they did was, but words cut. They sink deep and eat a person up. Makes them think everything they did was so way wrong and out of line, even if it was an honest mistake. Something they had thought was harmless…..Your tone when you say things says it all.
Yes people, first hand experience speaking here. I sung something that apparently offended a friend…..She said a few stuff and now I feel terrible inside. But I wouldn’t chalk all of the sick gut feeling to her. It’s not her fault….I’ve been feeling all terrible and what not for twenty four hours now…..A ticking bomb that was gonna explode into a depression over the slightest thing.
Yesterday it was over nothing I could tell….one minute I was fine and the next I was ultra confused and heavy hearted with knots in my stomach. Probably a mood swing….And now today this has me peering into the endless pit that is my social tactfulness. I suck at being formal. I struggle to say things appropriate for the situation. Anyway I’m gonna stop there cause this rant is benefiting no one.
“I failed my chemistry midterm. I know it’s only a monthly assessment for my classmates, but for me it’s something much more. I feel pale. It’s hard to breathe. If my grades don’t improve I have no future. My aunt and uncle have been kind enough to put up with me since my parents died two years ago. But I feel like a burden on them. I’m an outsider in their home. I feel like an intruder. I don’t belong. No matter what I do, no matter how much I achieve I feel incomplete. There’s no one to share my victories with. Who’ll feel proud of me when I succeed and tell me off when I screw up. My heart splutters. I wish I could hug my mum.
It’s this need that exists in every second of every day, that has me crawling into a fetal position to try and ease the pain, that I want to discard. Maybe if I got better grades, my teachers would appreciate me….If I smoked those cigarettes everyone in class does they would accept me as one of them. Who cares if I die anyway…..”
So much more than that plagues the mind of an orphan. My heart goes out to them and I wish I could just take them all and give them a huge hug, give them all the love they crave and deserve. I seriously cannot wait until I’m independent enough to adopt an orphan! Heck, I would right now but I want to be able to provide for him/her so that means waiting for a while until I get a job.
Happy New Solar Year guys! I hope 2013 brings you joy and happiness, that your dreams come true and that the year exceeds all your expectations!
Know that the first step to fulfilling your dreams is by believing they are possible, every crazy twisted dream is possible. Make them your goals and work towards them, everyday, bit by bit.~A.A.Jaspal.
Look to the skies. The skies never fail.
So yesterday I was stuck at academy for a good two hours. In the cold, with my hands freezing, my feet would have been too but thank God I was wearing boots. My phone wasn’t working, can you believe my luck? Anyway, so basically I was bored cause it was a Saturday and I was the only Einstein who showed up. Well there were some boys there but they were strangers so they don’t count. Plus they were studying.
So I started listening to songs on my phone and looked up, out of habit. It was a cloudless sky, boring.But then I saw swarms of eagles flying here and there. I started observing them. From experience I know the ones back home hate me. Even though I’ve tried to get them to like me, they’re stubborn. Coming back to the story, I noticed that the wing and tail patterns of these eagles were different from each other and, since I’d given my biology midterm that day, I wanted to note down my ‘research’. To study how the different phenotype’s benefited the eagle who had it. Survival of the fittest being the law and all.
I have a feeling my eagle friends back home told these guys stuff about me. I swear whatever they said wasn’t true, but these poor fella’s didn’t know that. Nor did they let me clarify. As soon as I took my notebook out to draw them as they flew overhead, they stopped flying over head. They all ditched me. The nerve of them. Stopping me from my dreams of being a biologist. But I can be stubborn too, plus I had time. Lots and lots of time. So I sat there, staring obstinately and I managed to draw them, with no help from them at all.
The moral of the story being, the skies never fail, though the ones in them might 😛 So if the eagles don’t like you, no hard feelings, I’d like to believe they don’t like anyone. And if the skies themselves fail you…..well then your doomed. 🙂 jk
Its almost 2013! No idea why but I’m pretty excited about the new year. Maybe it’s the general ‘newness’ about it makes you feel like you can do anything. That you can have a clean slate and try things you haven’t already done. That anything is possible if you set your mind to it. True that’s the case on a daily basis, you can try new things and everything. But a new year is like a new notebook. No matter how much you’ve abused your old ones or how messy they are, when you get a new notebook, you vow to be neater and make sure it stays new. A new year would be nice, it puts things in perspective.
Lets see how it goes. I’ve signed up to represent my school in a humorous declamation. Meaning I’m screwed. I can’t tell a joke for the my life. Well at least I can’t tell one effectively. I crack up before the punch line and in between fits of laughter I try to explain what’s so funny. The poor soul who was at the wrong place at the wrong time just smiles apologetically and walks away leaving me, still trying to get a grip.
Just now I was about to tell my friend Iqra something, but I started laughing even before the words came out. She was like confused, but she’s kinda used to it. Problem is, the judges won’t be. Even debating on a serious topic I’m smiling. Though I’m not really conscious of it at the time, my friends tell me later. When I try to be mean, I say sorry reflexively. Plus I turn red when I’m embarrassed.
Imagine it, walking on stage, standing before a whole bunch of strangers, joking around and no one laughing. Why? Cause I’m laughing enough for the whole crowd. They can just watch me while I turn red and become all awkward. I’ll probably start stuttering and stammering too about then….I’l start talking fast and the speech will be over. Everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and clap me off the stage cause they’re glad its finally over. I’ll be glad too, and I won’t be able to look anyone in the eye ever again.
I might not even go if they can find someone better. Trust me it won’t be hard to out shine me. But if I do go I seriously need to learn how to keep a straight face. O.O
So many random thoughts just keep demanding my attention but when I analyze them and contemplate writing on them I just think it’s wrong, or think who am I to judge, or that I don’t have the right to point fingers etc….But its ‘Me n my WEIRD thoughts’ so yeah, freedom of expression right?
So maybe I’m wrong. I’m open to that.
Coming to the topic I just wanted to talk on how people like some know can be so malicious? How can they justify their actions when they know how badly they’re going to hurt the other person? That the reason they’re upset is because of something you did? I’m not being depressed or anything….I’m fine but I know that the loser in my life could lash out at any time, for no reason. I’m writing about it because at first I thought the idiot was one of a kind evil. Apparently not….Someone I know has a similar issue. Her sister is making her life hell, without any guilt or mercy.
When I heard I was outraged, still am. But I can’t go around messing in people’s private life now can I? So I thought I’d write about how wrong it is. It’s mental abuse when you torture someone with words and actions. It’s brutal. You may think your right, that you’re punishing the person because they deserve it. But who are you to judge? You could be wrong. Think about it, without any prejudice. The best way is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about what you would have done.
If you’re the one being attacked, think about what you did to deserve it. If you are responsible, honestly, apologize, try to make things right. There has to be a reason why they’re lashing out. But if the persons a psychotic lunatic whose just torturing you because they can, leave them. When they talk, cut yourself out of the conversation emotionally. Don’t take the words to heart. Let them pass over your head and don’t give them a second glance. If what they say affects your life, speak up, don’t let them ruin you. Speak calmly and don’t lose your cool, that’ll really drive them nuts.
We can’t really make sure that we never hurt anyone at all, but we can make sure that we cause as minimal damage as possible. If you have to break bad news to someone….try to say it right.
They ask where I’ve been
Occupied I say
‘Too busy to even talk?’ They ask
‘Too frazzled to even think.’ I reply
‘Well you better be with us tommorow’ They demand
‘What’s tommorow?’ I question, perplexed.
I look at the date….
I forgot my own birthday
In memories you glide
Bringing unstoppable smiles to my face
My mood adjusts and suddenly everything’s right
I can’t even recall why my heart cried
It’s a wonder how you manage such fetes with such grace
Though I will never question my little light