Tag Archives: depression

Dwelling

Fact is, the more you dwell the more insurmountable it seems.
I’ve been kind of obsessing again lately. All the things I wish were different, the whole ‘if only’ streak. It’s hard letting go of something you thought was the truth all those years. You wonder and you wonder of ways in which you could be wrong now just to justify your past delusion; but you have to accept it and work from that.

My coping mechanism for a terrible world is sleep. To just lay in bed, curl up with a layer of blanket hugging me and just drift off. So that’s been me the past couple of days. I caught myself mid process just now, realizing what I was doing and thought I’d write about it. Come up with a motivating solution. It could help.

Pity parties just come naturally to me. One thing gone wrong and I spiral into a vast ocean of all things to go wrong ever and how life sucks, and I do too kind of. Not everything is the end of the world. I should know that as well as all those unfortunate people out there who have the same tendency.

One great example is how I got a tad depressed over my siblings and cousins going out to a new eatery while I was out of town. It sounds like a small thing but my mind blew it wayy out of proportion and I was hugely down for a couple of hours. Turns out (I found out a few days later) that they never even went, they simply walked in, sat down and walked out. So I basically obsessed over nothing and ruined part of a pretty good day.

So what shall I do now? The problem at hand isn’t exactly small by any measure, objectively or especially subjectively. And what really has me pensive is wondering if I should be doing something. But I can’t think of anything. I’m at a stalemate and what I really want to do is leave it to destiny.

It sounds weak but I think sometimes it’s okay. When you can’t think of any plausible solution, when you’ve been deluded for years, and when you have indeed tried your best. Destiny is destiny, you work hard but at the end of the day whether you work or not, you get what you get. Try as hard as you can and leave the rest to God.

You can’t ever predict your life. Some things are up to fate. Try not to life pass you by while you obsess because that will happen, and it will happen without you even realizing it. Plus self pity gives you an excuse to go easy on yourself. ‘It’s okay if you didn’t give your porject 100%, shit was happening’ or ‘So what you weren’t there for your friend, you were going through your own hell’. *sigh* I’ve been guilty of both and a lot more the past year.

It’s easy to let yourself off. But time doesn’t come back. It’s not fair to you, or those around you. You’ll regret wasting so much energy on something you couldn’t have done anything about. All the mental tension and strain, how it influenced your life, will all have been for naught. Live your life and give things your 100%; no excuses. Leave to fate things you can not control. Breathe. It will be fine.

Breathe. Focus on the present.

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Tactfulness, not everyone’s strong suit

People can be so mean…..They probably don’t think what they did was, but words cut. They sink deep and eat a person up. Makes them think everything they did was so way wrong and out of line, even if it was an honest mistake. Something they had thought was harmless…..Your tone when you say things says it all.
Yes people, first hand experience speaking here. I sung something that apparently offended a friend…..She said a few stuff and now I feel terrible inside. But I wouldn’t chalk all of the sick gut feeling to her. It’s not her fault….I’ve been feeling all terrible and what not for twenty four hours now…..A ticking bomb that was gonna explode into a depression over the slightest thing.
Yesterday it was over nothing I could tell….one minute I was fine and the next I was ultra confused and heavy hearted with knots in my stomach. Probably a mood swing….And now today this has me peering into the endless pit that is my social tactfulness. I suck at being formal. I struggle to say things appropriate for the situation. Anyway I’m gonna stop there cause this rant is benefiting no one.

 

 

Abstract Gitch Mitch

Gitch Mitch

Confronted

Drowning myself in everything near and far

To occupy my thoughts from straying too far

 

Not completely understanding why

I mean I was completely fine, wasn’t I?

 

The rug was pulled and it became evident

The mess underneath was beyond the expectant

 

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide

The whirlwind of emotions, let rip inside

 

The will to fight was long gone

With a sigh I was done.

Suicide

Not sure about everyone but I think most of us have considered it at some point or another…. I have. Once. A moment when I just wanted to sleep and never wake up because I didn’t really see a point in living…

There are often times when we question ourselves on our life. How it will turn out, our hopes, expectations, fears, long term goals and beliefs. We paint out scenarios in our heads of what we foresee it will be like and it is on the basis of these thoughts, whether they be bleak or bright, that we choose to keep going or give up. Other times we only try because of our beliefs, for example in my religion and I think Christianity as well, it’s a sin to take your own life, which is the reason I steer clear of that option, no matter how tempting. Then there’s the issue of all those we care about. Our family, our friends and everyone we know will be seriously be affected by such a rash step. It’s pretty selfish of us if you think about it. Taking away your life doesn’t affect just you, it affects everyone, in ways you can never foresee.

There’s another factor we tend to overlook when we ponder over life; the fact that it never turns out the way you expect. It happens all the time, we spend our days following a routine that we don’t ever see changing, but one day you could find yourself all the way across the world, planning on spending the rest of you life there (This actually kind of happened to me, my dad came home one day saying we’re going to Pakistan tommorow for two weeks. That was over six years ago and I haven’t been back to England since). Or you could be expecting a really dull day and while waiting for the bus to come, you might meet an old friend who hooks you up with a job ten times better than your previous one. The possibilities are endless, but the point is, you can never count your chickens till they’re hatched. You can’t ever say you know how your life will turn out, because only God knows that. We can only truthfully assess our life after we’re dead and have lived it till the end…Our life is made of the choices we make. They are what define us. Food for thought.

Everything is beautiful

Look around, the trees,the flowers,the clouds,the mud……..everything is so beautiful. Just looking at these things makes me grateful I can see them. That I was born with eyes that can see colours, that colours even exist for me to see. Try it. Look around yourself and just appreciate every minute detail, every minute colour and shade… It’s invigorating.

Look down at your hands. Isn’t it just awesome that you have hands. That you have the power to control their movement unlike those people who are paralyzed?

Your blessings don’t just end there however, you also have taste buds that enable you to taste delicious delicacies and bask in the sensation of the different flavours.

What have we done to deserve such gifts? What have the people who don’t have them done to have themselves stripped of these necessities? Nothing. So sit back and feel grateful. You have it better than some. Make the most of what you have and be grateful for everything you have. We can never thank Allah/God enough for all He’s bestowed upon us.

Down

My eyes are bright with unshed tears

Heart burdened with abundant fears

Is there someone who can see me now?

Past the laughs to the unsaid frowns

 

Telling myself to keep hope alive

When its so much easier to let it die

Oh how the heart aches in pain

While I struggle to keep my smile in place

 

This act is futile,who am I kidding?

Fooling myself I can’t deny

Is it my fault? I think it is

That I can’t explain anything even to myself

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