Tag Archives: diary

Musings Part 7

Been ages since I wrote anything…. been contemplating to start for a week before I actually made it back here.
It’s just that my Facebook is getting crowded, Twitter too a bit.

Well my insecurities are growing alarmingly fast. I hate how I don’t feel like talking most of the time, but I want to be heard and matter at the same time. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t want to be an attention freak…I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just want to matter, my opinion to matter. Worst part is, I don’t think it matters myself how can other people?
And as if I didn’t have enough insecurities all these thoughts make me hate myself even more. *sigh*

I just want to go to a new place and start over. Or I just want to go to a jungle, desert, mountain, lake anywhere and just get lost in nature and see who I actually am. I feel like myself only when I’m alone or think I’m alone, the former being when I’m alone somewhere and the latter when I’m someplace new and no one knows me and I can say and do as I please.
Maybe I’m just a born loner.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this here…it’s public…but I want to. A bit.

I wonder how people can be so carefree… be quick at making decisions and be sure of themselves.

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Musings Part 6

I need my swag back. Don’t judge the word. It fits right now.

My college is making me so much more self conscious than I already was. It gets harder and harder every day. I need my friends! I need love! This could also be no ones fault but my own head evolving for the worse. All my insecurities growing on their own, but that’s far fetched. Something has to be feeding it right? What to do, what to do.

It actually hit me strongly right now. Seeing my sister and a few other kids I know, posting things so carefree like. You know when I post a Facebook status or an instagram picture I feel so sick afterwards for like a day or more. Wondering how people are judging me as self obsessed or proud. The reason I do it is because I’m like it’s my wall, I want to. I swallow the negativity as much as I can but I can’t deny it’s not there. I just figure I should take it, I can’t post nothing because I regret that months later when my forgetful brain wants to see the past.

This blog is getting way personal. I’m disowning it 😛 whoever knows, knows but no one else. In time the ones who know shall forget. Yes I do get that I could stop writing. I should. I really should. But…nope no reason. Maybe I want to show the world my dark side. What am I doing? ……….no idea. I’m so messed up. Or maybe I just want to be messed up. It’s the mainstream thing these days. It annoys me. Everyone being depressed and what not… we need to chill.

I’m adding negativity to the net. Dammit. Why do we judge so much. Why can’t we stop thinking about what people are thinking! This is so twisted.

I need to get my swag back. Just don’t care. That’s not not caring about people’s feelings. Just forget what they’re thinking. That’s their business. I know that already. We all do. Acting on it is hard.

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