And as I sit on the other side of the wall, unable to sleep from the bruises and the loneliness; to have you to close yet so far and indifferent. The bruises are getting slightly numb from the cold and I thought my feelings were too as I listened to your carefree laughter from the room. But as I type this, some tears spill free. Tears I had wanted to flow but that couldn’t make until I put these thoughts into written words.
Gazing at the snow capped mountains and the twinkling stars, I wonder why I ever forgot I was always actually alone. How had I let myself slip this far. And a new resolve simmers though I fear for its short lifespan because how can I be mad at the person I love with all my heart. Yes it hurts, I can’t sleep from the mental and physical pain, same as yesterday. But I had also just yesterday read a quote by Paulo Coelho that I told myself I would try to live by and learn be grateful.
Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.
And happy days I have had. So I shall smile and act as though nothing has changed and all is fine but deep down, I just rediscovered my long lost truth. I am alone. ~ 1706
I never knew I could ever trust completely
Experience has taught me to expect anything
Did you know, I don’t even trust myself
I never knew feeling myself trust would be this terrifying
But I have knots in my stomach and if I think too much about it, I can’t breathe right
But I’ve never met anyone who kept their word like you
I don’t fancy myself a liar, but sometimes even I don’t mean what I say so completely, so literally
And as I question my own sincerity, I blink against your raw honesty
It’s dazzling, magnificent
I find myself having faith in it, trusting to put it mildly
I had well constructed solid walls that I can feel dissolving
But all good things end, and nothing lasts forever, I know this
I’m a woman of common sense, so this complete trust in another human confounds me
Not even my father always keeps his word or his story straight
That’s not fair, I know you’ve had your moments of hypocrisy
But you alway believe in what you say, fiercely
And I’ve joked that you shouldn’t be so quick to judge
But I’ve never met someone who means what they say as much as you
What a pleasant surprise to add to the list of reasons I love you
For I didn’t need reasons and yet here you are, blinding me in admiration
I’ve seen people change, people I thought I knew
I’ve vowed to not let anything surprise me
Years of pain engraving the lessons
And yet here I am, watching my heart slip
It was scary accepting the torrent of emotion I have for you
I didn’t even realise I was capable of this sort of trust
Yes, I have seen a lot and I know people are fickle
Yet here I am, coming to terms with a fresh realisation
I’m beginning to trust you completely
And with this I give you even more power
I dug my grave the moment I gave you a chance at my heart
You already had to the tools to end me
But with this, I’m not sure what’ll be left
I’ve tested you countless times and I still will
But now I’m no longer hoping you fail
What a silly fool.
If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand
But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand
How can I explain all I feel?
As though words can do a shadow of justice to this turmoil inside
It almost feels like a betrayal
Quantifying this overwhelming love I recognize
I know we don’t talk much
I don’t quite understand it myself but I can’t shake away this knowledge
Yes, I saw you
Though we were two blurs in the crowd, I saw each and every one of you
I’ve spent too much time worrying about you
Thinking of you as my own and now as I look back, it’s hard for me to stop
We may never have even talked
But your pain was and is my pain, and your happiness was and is my happiness
You are a part of me
Wherever our paths may take us, you always will be
Even now I’m blank
And these words I’ve managed to get out don’t do you much credit
I may have been merely a means
How sad am I to have let you all in my heart
Where you wreak havoc
Because I expect too much from people who don’t realize I have feelings too
The depth to which I care
Astounds and saddens me, fills me with love and joy, all at the same time
You weren’t just a duty
To me we were all akin to family
I wonder though
Whether I was merely a means. Whether you’ll miss me, as I will you
How pathetic am I?
I probably need therapy
If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand
But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand
And our eyes danced.
As the alarm blared from the bedside she mulled over the thought of going to college. She had International Relations and Economics today, her attendance was low and she couldn’t afford to take a day off if she had the option.
Lying in bed she looked up at the ceiling and sighed. It had been 6 months since she started going to B.Sc classes at Government College University but she still hated it. Stuck in the past, every day dragged by unless she immersed herself with events and work. And so she did. She joined all the societies she was presented with and got involved in everything she could. They kept her occupied with less time to sit and brood. But she felt lost. She couldn’t stop, but she wondered why she’d joined in the first place. She didn’t want to stop but she wondered when she’d get to her actual dreams. Every day they seemed more and more fictitious, more and more distant.
She socialized yes, but it felt like going through the motions. For the life of her she couldn’t understand why she felt so detached. Less than a shadow of herself. When did smiles become forced and painful? When did crowds become so lonely?
Rubbing her eyes, though she wasn’t tired, she trudged downstairs; too lazy to change. The person staring back at her through mirrors was hardly recognizable, her mouth literally drooped and sometimes she liked it that way. Other times she would practice smiling to herself because of how alien it was getting.
She didn’t understand what she wanted, she knew she couldn’t get her friends back, they were all far away and though they still talked, she needed them with her. She wanted them every day. But the fact was she couldn’t. So why the sadness? She should move on, she had accepted their distance, but she still craved their presence. It was pathetic. Was this about them or was it something else?
Fact was, she was stuck, stuck at the University for 5 years. She was ready to go into the world and work. To go on adventures and see the real world. But this was just the same old routine she’d gone through in college. Things were supposed to be different now. Not in another 5 years, now. Would things ever change? They had to change; if they didn’t she didn’t know what she would do. She already fantasized about just leaving everything and trying her luck. Heck even kidnap.
Sitting on the sofa, waiting for the bus to come she played videos of ‘nigahiga‘ on her phone to try and cheer herself up. To wake up just a little……….
Is it enough?
Is it too much?
To ask how you are
To remember the dates
Is it too intense?
Am I coming off strong?
Part of me wants to hold back
Part of me pushes on
Am I taken for granted?
Do you really care?
I feign nonchalance
My insides squirming
Are you upset?
Are you OK?
Worry eats at me
The act doesn’t last long
How are you?
Am I annoying?
I can’t let go
I can’t loosen the reigns
What are you going through?
Can I help?
I cling to our memories
Drawing strength from their strength
Is it enough?
Is it too much?
Thoughts running amuck
I’m sorry I can’t be more cool
I’m sorry I’m such a fool
It’s been days, I think I’ve forgotten
At the very least gone numb
Yet the dates I do watch
The days I do count
Sudden urges to talk, worrying endlessly
We’ve never been close
Yet the feelings do storm
The urges do come
Worry to frustration, bitter anger surfaces
You utter idiot, complete fool
Yet the facts do remain
The frustrations do come
I loathe you, but that is a feeling
Feelings you are not worth
Yet loathe you I do not
The feelings do come
Patience and faith, I did what I could
It’s your play now
Yet patient I am not
The faith does not come
We go about our lives, running here and there, either too busy to pay attention or just too ignorant to try. The fact is, life’s slipping by our fingers. Every moment is one we can’t take back. We just care about getting the job done, not giving time to anything else in the process and so our relationships with our family, our friends, begin to wither.
You don’t realize it at first. It’s just a few days you tell yourself as you throw yourself into studying for an exam, arranging an event, finishing a project, etc. But you end up distancing yourself and by the time you realize it; the damage is extensive. And as if that wasn’t enough we have our ego’s and pride to deal with. No one wants to reach out. We begin to wait for the other person to come to us. Getting more and more frustrated and more and more stubborn as the time elapses. Days turn into weeks and weeks into months.
I say to hell with waiting for the other person to take the first step. Take the initiative yourself. People don’t do it because they hate feeling vulnerable. Buncha cowards. Sorry but I’m just annoyed at people’s utter lack of faith. Faith that we’re all humans, that we all get lonely sometimes and that we all need someone. Faith that if you reach out, in time the other person will too, and they won’t think less of you for it.
You know one day I decided to not text anyone, to see who would text me. I got pretty depressed when no one, and I mean NO ONE texted me all day. Lol, then I got even more depressed for a couple of days and no one really even noticed. That did not help. One of my friends did. By chance, but the overall results really irked me. But the sadder I got the more I realized no one was going to help me out, that I would have to do it myself. I did, not totally fine, but yeah, as happy as one can make oneself alone.
All in all what I learnt was people need a push. And you know what…….. I actually decided that I’m ok pushing them. I’m ok with cheering them up and listening to their day to day lives because I care about them. I hate how they don’t try and reach out to me, so if I don’t either then I’m doing the same thing. I can’t force them to care for me, but my love doesn’t need to be returned to be there, so there. Sappy, but I’m no saint. I still get annoyed every once in while. I just think there’s already enough sadness in the world. I want to be the reason someone smiles, someone knows they’re not alone. We’re all fighting here…. Life’s not easy. No ones life is easy. Why make it harder?
Blood red liquid stains my lips
Cheap colour staining everything touched
It’s bad for you they said
Don’t drink it they said
I eye it grimly, an amused smirk
Not like anyone gives a shit
Self pity, self loathing
And I take another swig
So I didn’t get into my dream university. I got the rejection letter yesterday. I’m not going to lie, I feel like shit. Sigh. The funny thing, well not funny for me right now, it’s actually real damn annoying right now, is that I actually tried. I usually don’t until the last day. I’ve slacked before countless tests but for this one I studied a lot.
So many people I know got in. I guess I just wasn’t good enough. Though in my head I keep thinking of excuses, futile efforts to try and make me feel better. Facts are facts though, no point in dwelling I guess. You can’t win at everything, failing is a part of life. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s probably for the best. All the cliche lines are going through my head but they aren’t helping. I need a new focus. A new dream to aim for and distract me. The only question is what?
The big what next?
I’m applying to other unis of course. But my interest is waning. Life is full of surprises though and that’s what I’m banking on. Let’s see where it takes me. I’ve had my share of setbacks, contrary to what most people I know think. Pfft ‘setback’. Lol you know that was the first word I saw on the letter I got. It took a while to sink in though. I never even realized how much I wanted to go till now. The past is the past though. I’m using ‘though’ a lot but what the hay. Anyway I’l just do some research and hopefully get enthusiastic again.
You gaze coolly at me from the distance
A slightly amused smirk plays on your lips as I run
The ground shakes, the ground splits
I hesitate but one look at you and I’m scrambling again
Across the debris, past the pitying faces
All the while you look, but you do not move
I trip, you do not flinch
Face apathetic, eyes cold
Why I run, I know not
Memories fuel my efforts, driving me
I refuse to believe you are lost
Images play before my eyes
Standing over me, eyes twinkiling with warmth
full of concern, full of love
The earth shakes, the distance is increasing
Tears spill over my cheeks as I realize I won’t make it
On my knees, I watch helpless
You’re drifting, drifting, drifting……..
I open my mouth
No words come out
I take a step forward
You slip further away
My hearts in my mouth
Your’s is safe, untouched
So far away,so distant
A thousand oceans lie between us
I need you here
With every fibre of my being
How is it that you do not know?
Just glance this way
A look says it all
I’m running now
Just stay where you are
I’m on my way
Past the up turned faces
Past the frowns
Clinging to this shred of hope
The voices in my head
The thought is numbing
Standing up and being made a fool
Not being able to speak
No coherant thoughts
With observing eyes
Letting people down
Knowing I can’t argue
That people are scary
Their judging ways
Get under my skin
Into my thoughts
Its a stone cold paralysis
Of the highest degree
Maybe it’s just me, or perhaps you might be able to relate.
Fact is, it’s easier to accomplish goals and tasks when no one else believes you can. Ok, fine…. Scratch no one, MOST people. It makes the goal even more worthwhile, and fulfilling it a true victory. You want to try and accomplish something no one else has, or something that they have but no one believes you can do too. It’s a challenge. Not something cliché. Surpassing even your own expectations is even better.
BUT everything comes crashing down on you when you do a little, and suddenly everyone thinks you can do anything. They start expecting stuff from you and the goal just loses its charm. It’s glamour. Yep that’s the cliff I’ve fallen down. Just cause of my achievements last year suddenly everyone in school thinks I can do anything. I have like four subjects in my A level right now that I’m studying seriously while two others I’m dabbling in. Both teachers want me to take their subject because they think I can get them the good grades they need. What they don’t understand is that last year, that might have been slightly possible, but this year I have enough on my plate what with being Head Girl and failing in my priority subjects like Math and Physics. I even tried explaining it, but they just shook their heads and said they knew I could do it. I was both honoured and astounded. What really got me incredulous was my principal’s reaction when I said I wanted to take sociology, but only attend the lessons when I felt like it. She actually agreed! I was like dammnnn these people have so much faith.
Those were the issues in the beginning of the year, when everyone was still reveling in my 4 A’s in AS. (Which by the way I know I honestly got from luck and the kids prayers, I seriously told all the little kids to pray for my exams 😛 ) But I found out that some still think that. My sister’s friend’s heck even my brother and sister think I can do anything. It irritates me now. I feel like saying leave me alone people. I’m just like you guys….I just like utilizing time in a different way. Ugh! Ah well. I can’t go around and slap the sense in everyone myself now can I? No matter how tempting 😛 I guess I’ll have to hope it dies down and they all get a life.
That was a major driving force though you know. Proving people wrong through accomplishments. Now I’m stuck with just doing it cause I need to….boring.
Its not just competitions and stuff…. other things like personality. People instantly judge you as something. They can’t know the whole truth in two seconds, yet they still get all emotional and let down when you turn out to be different from what they thought. Well who asked you to expect so much in the first place?
There was an understanding
An agreement between hearts
That was so secure,full of trust
School was a hangout
Everyday an adventure
Where missing out on one day
Was pure torture
Talking, as easy as breathing
Laughing as effortless as blinking
Always knowing you weren’t being judged
A sense of freedom and confidence
A pack that was invincible
We didn’t need the world
Too good to last
Time caught up with us
Tearing us apart
Throwing reality in our faces
Looking back on it all
The times feel too good to be real
A dream way too surreal
People can be so mean…..They probably don’t think what they did was, but words cut. They sink deep and eat a person up. Makes them think everything they did was so way wrong and out of line, even if it was an honest mistake. Something they had thought was harmless…..Your tone when you say things says it all.
Yes people, first hand experience speaking here. I sung something that apparently offended a friend…..She said a few stuff and now I feel terrible inside. But I wouldn’t chalk all of the sick gut feeling to her. It’s not her fault….I’ve been feeling all terrible and what not for twenty four hours now…..A ticking bomb that was gonna explode into a depression over the slightest thing.
Yesterday it was over nothing I could tell….one minute I was fine and the next I was ultra confused and heavy hearted with knots in my stomach. Probably a mood swing….And now today this has me peering into the endless pit that is my social tactfulness. I suck at being formal. I struggle to say things appropriate for the situation. Anyway I’m gonna stop there cause this rant is benefiting no one.