To be able to roam around on a whim
Clouds and bird being the epitome of freedom
Always shaking my hand free of any restraint
To skip and dawdle and run
To do as I please with a mischievous grin
My eyes taunting and laughing at my mum
Telling her it’ll be okay and not to be so faint
To do nothing and everything and nothing and everything
To love someone to the brim
All the while knowing my adventures make him glum
A man of rules and constraint
To keep me safe and close and plum
To laugh at my fate of falling for such an antonym
All the while knowing my love has me strum
Yet always searching for his hand without taint
To love and to hold and to cherish
To tease him with my eyes as I skim
Clouds and birds being the epitome of freedom
Yet he being the colours, the strokes, the canvas to all I paint
To hold his hand as I skip and dawdle and run
It’s hard to explain. How the more integrated I get, the more I just want to stay at home. Every day, I make myself go because I have work to do. Sometimes I want people to talk to me, at others I just want to be alone. I don’t understand what to say, it feels awkward and I get easily overwhelmed. In contrast, I want to do things. I want people to value my opinion. It makes no sense.
I dislike being watched. That may be it. I love the freedom you have when no one’s observing you, like when you’re new to a place and no one looks twice or has any expectations. It’s so utterly freeing, like you can do anything. The more you get accustomed to a place, the more familiar it becomes, the more you get molded into a particular character and role, and the harder it is to break free. That exasperates me, it dims the thrill of a new day. It’s frustrating.
Right now, I want to skip college for a few days, until people kind of forget me and then I can go back and get some semblance of invisibility. But then now I’m ‘Girls Representative’ (the equivalent of prefect) and I have to be responsible. I understand that. I will be responsible and do what I should, but………. I get confused on what to say to people sometimes. I get uncomfortable and totally useless. That’s my problem though, and I’ll handle it. Right now that means talking excessively and over-compensating.
Well I don’t want to waste your time with just this rant, let’s be productive. Ummmm…. well if it does become too much I think I am entitled to a few days off. So that’s OK. And getting uncomfortable around people, let’s be serious, everyone feels that way…. I should just…. bear it? No man, that’s belittling it, that aint right. Let’s work on that. Try different things out…… Oh God this last paragraph is stupid.