Tag Archives: musings

I never knew I could trust

I never knew I could ever trust completely

Experience has taught me to expect anything

Did you know, I don’t even trust myself

I never knew feeling myself trust would be this terrifying

But I have knots in my stomach and if I think too much about it, I can’t breathe right

But I’ve never met anyone who kept their word like you

I don’t fancy myself a liar, but sometimes even I don’t mean what I say so completely, so literally

And as I question my own sincerity, I blink against your raw honesty

It’s dazzling, magnificent

I find myself having faith in it, trusting to put it mildly

I had well constructed solid walls that I can feel dissolving

But all good things end, and nothing lasts forever, I know this

I’m a woman of common sense, so this complete trust in another human confounds me

Not even my father always keeps his word or his story straight

That’s not fair, I know you’ve had your moments of hypocrisy

But you alway believe in what you say, fiercely

And I’ve joked that you shouldn’t be so quick to judge

But I’ve never meant someone who means what they say as much as you

What a pleasant surprise to add to the list of reasons I love you

For I didn’t need reasons and yet here you are, blinding me in admiration

I’ve seen people change, people I thought I knew

I’ve vowed to not let anything surprise me

Years of pain engraving the lessons

And yet here I am, watching my heart slip

It was scary accepting the torrent of emotion I have for you

I didn’t even realise I was capable of this sort of trust

Yes, I have seen a lot and I know people are fickle

Yet here I am, coming to terms with a fresh realisation

I’m beginning to trust you completely

And with this I give you even more power

I dug my grave the moment I gave you a chance at my heart

You already had to the tools to end me

But with this, I’m not sure what’ll be left

I’ve tested you countless times and I still will

But now I’m no longer hoping you fail

What a silly fool.

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Musings Part 7

Been ages since I wrote anything…. been contemplating to start for a week before I actually made it back here.
It’s just that my Facebook is getting crowded, Twitter too a bit.

Well my insecurities are growing alarmingly fast. I hate how I don’t feel like talking most of the time, but I want to be heard and matter at the same time. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t want to be an attention freak…I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just want to matter, my opinion to matter. Worst part is, I don’t think it matters myself how can other people?
And as if I didn’t have enough insecurities all these thoughts make me hate myself even more. *sigh*

I just want to go to a new place and start over. Or I just want to go to a jungle, desert, mountain, lake anywhere and just get lost in nature and see who I actually am. I feel like myself only when I’m alone or think I’m alone, the former being when I’m alone somewhere and the latter when I’m someplace new and no one knows me and I can say and do as I please.
Maybe I’m just a born loner.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this here…it’s public…but I want to. A bit.

I wonder how people can be so carefree… be quick at making decisions and be sure of themselves.

Musings Part 6

I need my swag back. Don’t judge the word. It fits right now.

My college is making me so much more self conscious than I already was. It gets harder and harder every day. I need my friends! I need love! This could also be no ones fault but my own head evolving for the worse. All my insecurities growing on their own, but that’s far fetched. Something has to be feeding it right? What to do, what to do.

It actually hit me strongly right now. Seeing my sister and a few other kids I know, posting things so carefree like. You know when I post a Facebook status or an instagram picture I feel so sick afterwards for like a day or more. Wondering how people are judging me as self obsessed or proud. The reason I do it is because I’m like it’s my wall, I want to. I swallow the negativity as much as I can but I can’t deny it’s not there. I just figure I should take it, I can’t post nothing because I regret that months later when my forgetful brain wants to see the past.

This blog is getting way personal. I’m disowning it 😛 whoever knows, knows but no one else. In time the ones who know shall forget. Yes I do get that I could stop writing. I should. I really should. But…nope no reason. Maybe I want to show the world my dark side. What am I doing? ……….no idea. I’m so messed up. Or maybe I just want to be messed up. It’s the mainstream thing these days. It annoys me. Everyone being depressed and what not… we need to chill.

I’m adding negativity to the net. Dammit. Why do we judge so much. Why can’t we stop thinking about what people are thinking! This is so twisted.

I need to get my swag back. Just don’t care. That’s not not caring about people’s feelings. Just forget what they’re thinking. That’s their business. I know that already. We all do. Acting on it is hard.

Musings Part 6

So today I went to a diabetes conference in a nearby hotel. It was ok, though the speakers were terrible. They literally just made a slideshow presentation and read off of it. All I could think of, and it was seriously hard to stop myself from going on stage and teaching them how to talk to an audience, was that I could read off those slides and do it better. They were getting shields for absolutely nothing. I could copy paste bullet points about diabetes from the internet and drone better than them. It was aggravating. Between speeches the host had to keep coming on stage to remind us how wonderful the previous speaker was and how his monotonous, long presentation was so brief, kudos to him and could everyone please give him a round of applause. That host needed a good talking to.

Anyway back to the topic, so I was coming back from the tea that had just been served after the first two sessions. Walking through the hall, I noticed a guy, a big guy, turn around and look at me. The way he looked, it seemed like he recognized me from somewhere though I was absolutely clueless about him. He turned back around and walked on and I disregarded it. But the weird thing was that when I sat down I thought I could feel him looking at me.

Haha, the things that went through my head. I’m not joking when I say I still think my theories are possible…… my first thought was he’s an assassin sent to kill me. I know a few people who aren’t very happy with me right now, and they have ways. o.o
Then I thought no, maybe he’s from the future and he’s here to thank me for something I did, he could be here to protect from a potential threat too, arrogant I know, but my thoughts aren’t that censored. That one is the most likely of the theories, my dreams are so coming true; yay. Anyway another one was that I was imagining it and it was all in my head. That’s stupid though, people have senses for a reason, plus pssshhhh being self conscious doesn’t make you imagine things, that’s far fetched. It’s not even a theory, just a passing thought. Moving on……my last theory was that the guy was a gangster from the future sent to kill me because……well I don’t know why. I mean I’m pretty damn great.

All in all, I didn’t really think I’d make it home today. I was going to be abducted and tortured to death. What a thrilling end.

But I’m still here, in front of my laptop. Boring much?…..yep.

P.S…….this is a very lame post…..I don’t know why I’m publishing it…..

Musings Part 5

I am so annoyed right now. I am such a pushover. I used to think it’s because I joke around that people don’t take me seriously but now I think it’s also because I’m way too flexible. Is it my fault that I like to accommodate other peoples ideas and thoughts into a decision? Or that I’m not THAT stubborn.

People only take me seriously in the beginning when they think I’m someone who has an opinion. But over time I get sidelined because I don’t yell as much as other people? I don’t get it. That’s the problem. I mean if I understood the root cause of why people everywhere sideline me I would be able to fix it. But if I don’t know why I can’t do anything. On top of it all I can’t be objective. I’m obviously biased and so my theories are subjective. And to top it, no one will ever tell me why because they’ll start off by saying I don’t get sidelined, then blah blah I’m this blah blah I’m that. No straight answer. I’m frustrated.

Plus I used to think maybe it’s just people I used to know but even new people have started adopting this sideline-sleepy programme. If it’s because I’m too pliable, well I don’t know, I just don’t see the logic in continuing to stand by your stance when you realize you’re wrong or that someone else’s idea is better. It could be my readiness to accept I’m wrong and that other people’s ideas are better too. But then that comes under pride; to assume all I say is the best. See what I mean by confusing.

This shall be improved upon. Maybe if I didn’t care if people heard me they would hear me. People are twisted that way.

Musings Part 4

So I didn’t get into my dream university. I got the rejection letter yesterday. I’m not going to lie, I feel like shit. Sigh. The funny thing, well not funny for me right now, it’s actually real damn annoying right now, is that I actually tried. I usually don’t until the last day. I’ve slacked before countless tests but for this one I studied a lot.

So many people I know got in. I guess I just wasn’t good enough. Though in my head I keep thinking of excuses, futile efforts to try and make me feel better. Facts are facts though, no point in dwelling I guess. You can’t win at everything, failing is a part of life. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s probably for the best. All the cliche lines are going through my head but they aren’t helping. I need a new focus. A new dream to aim for and distract me. The only question is what?

The big what next?

I’m applying to other unis of course. But my interest is waning. Life is full of surprises though and that’s what I’m banking on. Let’s see where it takes me. I’ve had my share of setbacks, contrary to what most people I know think. Pfft ‘setback’. Lol you know that was the first word I saw on the letter I got. It took a while to sink in though. I never even realized how much I wanted to go till now. The past is the past though. I’m using ‘though’ a lot but what the hay. Anyway I’l just do some research and hopefully get enthusiastic again.

Musings Part 2

The fact is, I enjoy being swamped in work, i.e I’m a workaholic. Is it a bad thing? If you ask me, nope, not at all. I’m bored sick when I don’t have something to do. Something that takes my time, energy and leaves me drained but feeling accomplished. It’s a drug. So much so that I often bite off more than I can chew, participating in almost everything. I mean you should make maximum use of your time right?
Like for example if you know you’re not going to study don’t put off a competition in the hopes that maybe you will if you don’t go. Odds are that if you do go and take part you’ll feel guilty about wasting the time and actually end up studying more than if you hadn’t gone. You’re more motivated too as well as more clear headed. I mean studying continuously days on end, in the same old pattern…..If you ask me I’d say that it’s a waste of your time. You won’t learn anything cause your brain is dulled and dead. By going out and exploring new avenues and experiences you keep your brain alive, active and happy. You’ll find that grasping new concepts or even revising old ones gets easier. You pick up things faster. It’s a scientific fact that constantly stimulating yourself boosts intelligence. Your mind is more adept.
Even if you have an exam the next day and you have a lot of syllabus left you should take breaks. Exerting yourself constantly is going to slow you down. Study for two to three hours continuously but after that you DESERVE a well earned break. Do what you want in it, preferrably something that doesn’t require much conscious effort. Whatever you do though never go to sleep, trust me you’ll never wake up in time. Well unless you have a human alarm clock i.e you threaten someone with murder if they don’t wake you up at the prescribed time. 😛 Breaks like these help your mind absorb what you just read and to store the information effectively. Without this everything gets cluttered in your head. After at least half an hour you can go right on ahead and continue studying. Jack Andraka, the person who discovered a cheap, effective diagnostic test for pancreatic cancer at age 15, also used this method. He used to research for hours and then go on a walk to contemplate what he had just read and sort through it.
What I’m trying to say is, don’t throw away your life for your exams. They aren’t as hard as you make them seem. We students tend to stress ourselves out over them too much. I really don’t get people who totally turn dead to the world a good three to four months before the exams. Yes, I know people have different speeds at which they pick things up, but I believe that overstudying is just as bad as understudying. Don’t waste your life.

Be wise!

Meaning to life,of life

Life seems so bleak these days. Meaningless and useless. Doing the same things day after day with little variations or alterations, the same meaningless chatter and the same routine. I find myself sitting in the middle of a class or a conversation just thinking ‘What’s the point of this?’. Its deadening my perspective and I’m not enjoying it. I don’t know what to do to make myself stop thinking like this but its a direction my thoughts inevitably take. So then what is there to do?

I don’t believe that there’s nothing after death. There has to be. I was talking to a friend yesterday and she raised some great arguments against common atheist questions. They say that the since the universe is so huge with so many galaxies, the chances that one planet among these billions can support life isn’t far fetched. They say that the Earth isn’t made for us but we’re made for the Earth. We adapted to the Earths atmosphere and the Earths environment;not the other way round. But then why haven’t any other life forms adapted to the conditions on their planet? Why don’t we discover living things on Mars which need carbon dioxide the way we need oxygen. Or if its the lack of water which hinders them then why haven’t we found any fossils since recent research has shown that Mars did once have water……why didn’t they find a way to come into existence?

I guess I should concentrate on carrying out the duties my beliefs tell me to. They’re not hard, everyday things that we should do anyway. Pray, give charity, be generous to others, be a good neighbour, be a source f comfort for other people, be compassionate, treat guests like royalty, swallow my pride and anger etc.

Some people say they live life in a way that will leave a mark on the world, in history. But still……what good does that do you? Your dead. You might say that your future generations will be proud but again that doesn’t matter anymore….. It’s a pretty twisted reality unless you have a belief in an afterlife……….food for thought………..

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