I never knew I could ever trust completely
Experience has taught me to expect anything
Did you know, I don’t even trust myself
I never knew feeling myself trust would be this terrifying
But I have knots in my stomach and if I think too much about it, I can’t breathe right
But I’ve never met anyone who kept their word like you
I don’t fancy myself a liar, but sometimes even I don’t mean what I say so completely, so literally
And as I question my own sincerity, I blink against your raw honesty
It’s dazzling, magnificent
I find myself having faith in it, trusting to put it mildly
I had well constructed solid walls that I can feel dissolving
But all good things end, and nothing lasts forever, I know this
I’m a woman of common sense, so this complete trust in another human confounds me
Not even my father always keeps his word or his story straight
That’s not fair, I know you’ve had your moments of hypocrisy
But you alway believe in what you say, fiercely
And I’ve joked that you shouldn’t be so quick to judge
But I’ve never meant someone who means what they say as much as you
What a pleasant surprise to add to the list of reasons I love you
For I didn’t need reasons and yet here you are, blinding me in admiration
I’ve seen people change, people I thought I knew
I’ve vowed to not let anything surprise me
Years of pain engraving the lessons
And yet here I am, watching my heart slip
It was scary accepting the torrent of emotion I have for you
I didn’t even realise I was capable of this sort of trust
Yes, I have seen a lot and I know people are fickle
Yet here I am, coming to terms with a fresh realisation
I’m beginning to trust you completely
And with this I give you even more power
I dug my grave the moment I gave you a chance at my heart
You already had to the tools to end me
But with this, I’m not sure what’ll be left
I’ve tested you countless times and I still will
But now I’m no longer hoping you fail
What a silly fool.
Been ages since I wrote anything…. been contemplating to start for a week before I actually made it back here.
It’s just that my Facebook is getting crowded, Twitter too a bit.
Well my insecurities are growing alarmingly fast. I hate how I don’t feel like talking most of the time, but I want to be heard and matter at the same time. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t want to be an attention freak…I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just want to matter, my opinion to matter. Worst part is, I don’t think it matters myself how can other people?
And as if I didn’t have enough insecurities all these thoughts make me hate myself even more. *sigh*
I just want to go to a new place and start over. Or I just want to go to a jungle, desert, mountain, lake anywhere and just get lost in nature and see who I actually am. I feel like myself only when I’m alone or think I’m alone, the former being when I’m alone somewhere and the latter when I’m someplace new and no one knows me and I can say and do as I please.
Maybe I’m just a born loner.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this here…it’s public…but I want to. A bit.
I wonder how people can be so carefree… be quick at making decisions and be sure of themselves.
So today I went to a diabetes conference in a nearby hotel. It was ok, though the speakers were terrible. They literally just made a slideshow presentation and read off of it. All I could think of, and it was seriously hard to stop myself from going on stage and teaching them how to talk to an audience, was that I could read off those slides and do it better. They were getting shields for absolutely nothing. I could copy paste bullet points about diabetes from the internet and drone better than them. It was aggravating. Between speeches the host had to keep coming on stage to remind us how wonderful the previous speaker was and how his monotonous, long presentation was so brief, kudos to him and could everyone please give him a round of applause. That host needed a good talking to.
Anyway back to the topic, so I was coming back from the tea that had just been served after the first two sessions. Walking through the hall, I noticed a guy, a big guy, turn around and look at me. The way he looked, it seemed like he recognized me from somewhere though I was absolutely clueless about him. He turned back around and walked on and I disregarded it. But the weird thing was that when I sat down I thought I could feel him looking at me.
Haha, the things that went through my head. I’m not joking when I say I still think my theories are possible…… my first thought was he’s an assassin sent to kill me. I know a few people who aren’t very happy with me right now, and they have ways. o.o
Then I thought no, maybe he’s from the future and he’s here to thank me for something I did, he could be here to protect from a potential threat too, arrogant I know, but my thoughts aren’t that censored. That one is the most likely of the theories, my dreams are so coming true; yay. Anyway another one was that I was imagining it and it was all in my head. That’s stupid though, people have senses for a reason, plus pssshhhh being self conscious doesn’t make you imagine things, that’s far fetched. It’s not even a theory, just a passing thought. Moving on……my last theory was that the guy was a gangster from the future sent to kill me because……well I don’t know why. I mean I’m pretty damn great.
All in all, I didn’t really think I’d make it home today. I was going to be abducted and tortured to death. What a thrilling end.
But I’m still here, in front of my laptop. Boring much?…..yep.
P.S…….this is a very lame post…..I don’t know why I’m publishing it…..
I am so annoyed right now. I am such a pushover. I used to think it’s because I joke around that people don’t take me seriously but now I think it’s also because I’m way too flexible. Is it my fault that I like to accommodate other peoples ideas and thoughts into a decision? Or that I’m not THAT stubborn.
People only take me seriously in the beginning when they think I’m someone who has an opinion. But over time I get sidelined because I don’t yell as much as other people? I don’t get it. That’s the problem. I mean if I understood the root cause of why people everywhere sideline me I would be able to fix it. But if I don’t know why I can’t do anything. On top of it all I can’t be objective. I’m obviously biased and so my theories are subjective. And to top it, no one will ever tell me why because they’ll start off by saying I don’t get sidelined, then blah blah I’m this blah blah I’m that. No straight answer. I’m frustrated.
Plus I used to think maybe it’s just people I used to know but even new people have started adopting this sideline-sleepy programme. If it’s because I’m too pliable, well I don’t know, I just don’t see the logic in continuing to stand by your stance when you realize you’re wrong or that someone else’s idea is better. It could be my readiness to accept I’m wrong and that other people’s ideas are better too. But then that comes under pride; to assume all I say is the best. See what I mean by confusing.
This shall be improved upon. Maybe if I didn’t care if people heard me they would hear me. People are twisted that way.
So I didn’t get into my dream university. I got the rejection letter yesterday. I’m not going to lie, I feel like shit. Sigh. The funny thing, well not funny for me right now, it’s actually real damn annoying right now, is that I actually tried. I usually don’t until the last day. I’ve slacked before countless tests but for this one I studied a lot.
So many people I know got in. I guess I just wasn’t good enough. Though in my head I keep thinking of excuses, futile efforts to try and make me feel better. Facts are facts though, no point in dwelling I guess. You can’t win at everything, failing is a part of life. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s probably for the best. All the cliche lines are going through my head but they aren’t helping. I need a new focus. A new dream to aim for and distract me. The only question is what?
The big what next?
I’m applying to other unis of course. But my interest is waning. Life is full of surprises though and that’s what I’m banking on. Let’s see where it takes me. I’ve had my share of setbacks, contrary to what most people I know think. Pfft ‘setback’. Lol you know that was the first word I saw on the letter I got. It took a while to sink in though. I never even realized how much I wanted to go till now. The past is the past though. I’m using ‘though’ a lot but what the hay. Anyway I’l just do some research and hopefully get enthusiastic again.
Life seems so bleak these days. Meaningless and useless. Doing the same things day after day with little variations or alterations, the same meaningless chatter and the same routine. I find myself sitting in the middle of a class or a conversation just thinking ‘What’s the point of this?’. Its deadening my perspective and I’m not enjoying it. I don’t know what to do to make myself stop thinking like this but its a direction my thoughts inevitably take. So then what is there to do?
I don’t believe that there’s nothing after death. There has to be. I was talking to a friend yesterday and she raised some great arguments against common atheist questions. They say that the since the universe is so huge with so many galaxies, the chances that one planet among these billions can support life isn’t far fetched. They say that the Earth isn’t made for us but we’re made for the Earth. We adapted to the Earths atmosphere and the Earths environment;not the other way round. But then why haven’t any other life forms adapted to the conditions on their planet? Why don’t we discover living things on Mars which need carbon dioxide the way we need oxygen. Or if its the lack of water which hinders them then why haven’t we found any fossils since recent research has shown that Mars did once have water……why didn’t they find a way to come into existence?
I guess I should concentrate on carrying out the duties my beliefs tell me to. They’re not hard, everyday things that we should do anyway. Pray, give charity, be generous to others, be a good neighbour, be a source f comfort for other people, be compassionate, treat guests like royalty, swallow my pride and anger etc.
Some people say they live life in a way that will leave a mark on the world, in history. But still……what good does that do you? Your dead. You might say that your future generations will be proud but again that doesn’t matter anymore….. It’s a pretty twisted reality unless you have a belief in an afterlife……….food for thought………..