Tag Archives: problems

Now or Never

Maybe I am a bit of an emotional wreck
I think with my heart first and last
Writing helping calm this anguished soul
Unable to escape the present and past

It’s all one and the same
These illusions of time never fooled I
But how do I convey the essence of now
To one who remains distant though I fail to fathom why

We’re getting too accustomed to being hurt by one another
Learning to live without
Learning to expect little
Learning to doubt

Have the years taught us nothing?
Are we really still running these same old dreary loops?
Time and time again
While our youth and love droops

I feel as though I have been impeccably clear
Though you have always evaded with a jeer
The ball’s in your court
I await your verdict with a tear

The clock is ticking
Now or never
And here we stand
As confused as ever

Politics Politics Politics

I am so sick and tired of the things going on in college. I wonder if it’s unrealistic of me to want to avoid politics so much and to get frustrated and try to overcome them through dialogue but I can’t help it.

Perhaps it’s not politics but rather closed door politics and manipulation. *sigh* The way people go around lobbying and spreading disunity. I’m pretty sure you can lobby and get support and fight on your credentials the right way but this…. writing applications dripping with allegations and finding shady ways to snag votes, why? whyy?

Yes you can fight, but fight on merit, be fair. Understand that the point isn’t to get the post but to be the best person who can carry out the duties and responsibilities of that post. It’s not just a title, it’s a job.And regardless of whether or not you’re capable for the job or not, how you get it is still important. You shouldn’t just sweet talk teachers into cancelling elections and choosing you because you think you’re the most fit for the task. You shouldn’t secretly shift the voting pool so that you get an edge over your opponents. You shouldn’t use your father or friends connection with the higher ups to ensure you get chosen. Play fair and clean or don’t play because at the end of the day the society you fought to get the post in will suffer. People will resent you, they’ll be demotivated from working because clearly merit doesn’t count for anything, connections do. Since they didn’t choose you, they may not want to work with you and since they know how you got the post, they won’t respect you. You’ve created a negative atmosphere were people don’t feel like working or even being a part. You got what you wanted, but at what cost and to what end? It’s selfish.

Rigging positions is an abuse of power. Understand that. Until or unless you haven’t given everyone the chance to apply, clearly outlining the empty slots and time frame, you haven’t been fair. It is wrong. You fail as a leader. You are essentially a dictator and you don’t deserve to be given positions in which you can monopolize and abuse your power.

A generic argument but put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine you just wanted the opportunity to try and apply for a post but no one told you when the to apply. That the interviews were hush hush and only some select few favourites were told about them. Or that you wanted to apply and thought you were more than qualified but because you didn’t have connections so you didn’t get it. It’s not a reason but understand.

Healthy competition is important, and not getting what you want isn’t the end of the world. People can get over losing, but not if they feel cheated.

Still, one thing to keep in mind is that regardless of the post, it’s the mission that matters. To get things done, not necessarily to have your name on the door. And if you do get the post, please understand how heavy a burden that is. You can’t use it to be a dictator and make sweeping statements of ‘I’m ____________ and I say this is how it’s going to be’. Your job is collaboration, conflict resolution, management and empowerment. Don’t take that lightly. Transparent, open communication is important. Sometimes you may even have to do things that the majority want but you disagree with and that’s okay. It’s a give and take. You’re not here to enforce your will. You’re here to make sure there is cohesiveness and everyone is working at their maximum potential. Yes, you do get to make judgement calls, but you are answerable to your team for them. Recognize when pride clouds your judgement and realize that it isn’t a good enough justification for your actions.

Stalemate

Every time
I plot and I plan but, every time

You mean what you say
Yet I over-analyze what you say, every time

You show me all the ways you don’t care
Yet it’s the same when I realize you don’t care, every time

You reach out, it doesn’t mean anything
I reach back though I know to you it doesn’t mean anything, every time

You probably don’t see
I can’t help but act strong, you probably don’t see, every time

You could be acting strong
That’s what I rationalize, you’re acting strong, every time

You don’t even know
I ache, I break, you don’t even know, every time

Your spell is too powerful
I fight and resist but your spell is too powerful, every time

You are nonchalant
I feel the urge to run and you are nonchalant, every time

I plot and I plan, every time
Every time

Dwelling

Fact is, the more you dwell the more insurmountable it seems.
I’ve been kind of obsessing again lately. All the things I wish were different, the whole ‘if only’ streak. It’s hard letting go of something you thought was the truth all those years. You wonder and you wonder of ways in which you could be wrong now just to justify your past delusion; but you have to accept it and work from that.

My coping mechanism for a terrible world is sleep. To just lay in bed, curl up with a layer of blanket hugging me and just drift off. So that’s been me the past couple of days. I caught myself mid process just now, realizing what I was doing and thought I’d write about it. Come up with a motivating solution. It could help.

Pity parties just come naturally to me. One thing gone wrong and I spiral into a vast ocean of all things to go wrong ever and how life sucks, and I do too kind of. Not everything is the end of the world. I should know that as well as all those unfortunate people out there who have the same tendency.

One great example is how I got a tad depressed over my siblings and cousins going out to a new eatery while I was out of town. It sounds like a small thing but my mind blew it wayy out of proportion and I was hugely down for a couple of hours. Turns out (I found out a few days later) that they never even went, they simply walked in, sat down and walked out. So I basically obsessed over nothing and ruined part of a pretty good day.

So what shall I do now? The problem at hand isn’t exactly small by any measure, objectively or especially subjectively. And what really has me pensive is wondering if I should be doing something. But I can’t think of anything. I’m at a stalemate and what I really want to do is leave it to destiny.

It sounds weak but I think sometimes it’s okay. When you can’t think of any plausible solution, when you’ve been deluded for years, and when you have indeed tried your best. Destiny is destiny, you work hard but at the end of the day whether you work or not, you get what you get. Try as hard as you can and leave the rest to God.

You can’t ever predict your life. Some things are up to fate. Try not to life pass you by while you obsess because that will happen, and it will happen without you even realizing it. Plus self pity gives you an excuse to go easy on yourself. ‘It’s okay if you didn’t give your porject 100%, shit was happening’ or ‘So what you weren’t there for your friend, you were going through your own hell’. *sigh* I’ve been guilty of both and a lot more the past year.

It’s easy to let yourself off. But time doesn’t come back. It’s not fair to you, or those around you. You’ll regret wasting so much energy on something you couldn’t have done anything about. All the mental tension and strain, how it influenced your life, will all have been for naught. Live your life and give things your 100%; no excuses. Leave to fate things you can not control. Breathe. It will be fine.

Breathe. Focus on the present.

Musings Part 7

Been ages since I wrote anything…. been contemplating to start for a week before I actually made it back here.
It’s just that my Facebook is getting crowded, Twitter too a bit.

Well my insecurities are growing alarmingly fast. I hate how I don’t feel like talking most of the time, but I want to be heard and matter at the same time. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t want to be an attention freak…I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just want to matter, my opinion to matter. Worst part is, I don’t think it matters myself how can other people?
And as if I didn’t have enough insecurities all these thoughts make me hate myself even more. *sigh*

I just want to go to a new place and start over. Or I just want to go to a jungle, desert, mountain, lake anywhere and just get lost in nature and see who I actually am. I feel like myself only when I’m alone or think I’m alone, the former being when I’m alone somewhere and the latter when I’m someplace new and no one knows me and I can say and do as I please.
Maybe I’m just a born loner.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this here…it’s public…but I want to. A bit.

I wonder how people can be so carefree… be quick at making decisions and be sure of themselves.

Musings Part 6

I need my swag back. Don’t judge the word. It fits right now.

My college is making me so much more self conscious than I already was. It gets harder and harder every day. I need my friends! I need love! This could also be no ones fault but my own head evolving for the worse. All my insecurities growing on their own, but that’s far fetched. Something has to be feeding it right? What to do, what to do.

It actually hit me strongly right now. Seeing my sister and a few other kids I know, posting things so carefree like. You know when I post a Facebook status or an instagram picture I feel so sick afterwards for like a day or more. Wondering how people are judging me as self obsessed or proud. The reason I do it is because I’m like it’s my wall, I want to. I swallow the negativity as much as I can but I can’t deny it’s not there. I just figure I should take it, I can’t post nothing because I regret that months later when my forgetful brain wants to see the past.

This blog is getting way personal. I’m disowning it 😛 whoever knows, knows but no one else. In time the ones who know shall forget. Yes I do get that I could stop writing. I should. I really should. But…nope no reason. Maybe I want to show the world my dark side. What am I doing? ……….no idea. I’m so messed up. Or maybe I just want to be messed up. It’s the mainstream thing these days. It annoys me. Everyone being depressed and what not… we need to chill.

I’m adding negativity to the net. Dammit. Why do we judge so much. Why can’t we stop thinking about what people are thinking! This is so twisted.

I need to get my swag back. Just don’t care. That’s not not caring about people’s feelings. Just forget what they’re thinking. That’s their business. I know that already. We all do. Acting on it is hard.

Don’t go with the flow

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Don’t let the wind dictate your life. Be strong; find your roots.

I understand jokes. I understand playful teasing. I understand lines.

I love freedom; the notion that I can do what I want if the fancy strikes me. But no matter which way I think of it, I see boundaries of even that. The boundaries that make me human; a functional, analytical, empathetic, emotional being. Something that separates me from your average primate. The more you let yourself go the more animalistic you are. As I’m writing this I have this feeling I dreamt of something similar last night. Something about having control over yourself. I wish I could remember, I think I learned something.

Anyway, so many people I know go over these boundaries and don’t even think twice about them. They seem to think that they’re just being truthful, or that they’re being themselves…. I’m all for being yourself, but not if it’s hurting someone. We humans are so weak, so little can wreak so much havoc in our minds and if you think that’s not true then you’re in denial. You’re repressing it, and that repression makes you cold. You don’t see people’s feelings anymore because you’re denying yourself of your own too. Feeling, its not so bad my friend. It has its highs and lows, but it shows you what you want in life. It makes a day interesting, and you see people as people just like you rather than as a sea of enemies out to get you.

I do a lot of stuff that I want to. But the lines I have made are the ones that I hope make my parents happy. I try and keep within the moral code of religion. Then there are the ones that I have to protect people ( My siblings being the exception)(It’s just hard being nice to them)(I am trying though). You have no idea what someone is going through, you have no idea what might hurt them, you have no idea if all their laughter is fake and they’re just really brilliant actors. I’ve met so many people who fall in these categories that social conversations get confusing 😛 haha, nah it’s ok. You won’t be like that.

I don’t know. Basically what I’m trying to say is that, find your boundaries. Especially in this day and age where every other facebook post, tweet or anything is basically telling you to be yourself and not care what people think. I agree, but people are taking it to mean be as rude as you want without any regard for anyone else. Assess what you would or wouldn’t do and why. You’ll find your framework. It won’t restrict you, it’ll make things clearer for you and you won’t do as much things that you’ll regret. You’ll be happier with yourself and decisions will be easier to take and follow through.

It all comes down to, what’s important to you?

And sometimes its just you. It always has been, you’re just so damn good at fooling yourself.

A Father

It’s nothing he says with an indifferent shrug
Nothing more than usual, worry not

Facade calm and strong
Is it true or not?

With a hand he waves away all but’s
Shaking his head, worry not

Facade sure and dismissive
Is it true or is it not?

Not once does his posture waver, upright, confident
Trivial matters, didn’t I tell you; worry not

Facade decisive and bored
Can it be true or not?

Searching eyes left short, an act so complete
Am I foolish to not worry not?

Facade condescending and fond
I hope it’s true, no nots

Reality and it’s loopholes

Is it so bad to live in a fantasy world? What even is reality? What if you just took some facts from the ‘real’ world and molded them into you’re fantasy? Plausible deniability.

Ok wait what even is reality? I mean we hardly ever have all the hard facts anyway. We have a few and we deduce the rest. Is it reality when you’re deductions are cynical and a fantasy when you dream for beautiful things. Other people will say so. They’ll say you’re lining yourself up for disappointment, sure that may be possible, but what you think will happen isn’t going to affect what will happen. So at least the moment till the truth hits is magical. Whereas for the realists it’s bleak. The end will be the same. (Though Noetic Science suggests our thoughts affect the outcome, just saying) What if the end was great? You didn’t waste your time and mood in worry. If it didn’t work out, well for a moment you thought it would, you had hope. Worry cripples you, hope paints a picture that adds a skip to your step. Life’s too short to spend all that time worrying and anticipating the worst.

I’ve been depressed for so long I got sick of it. I choose my fantasy. The world where I will travel across the globe. The world where I can start an orphanage and school. The world where I can be a book author. The world where the little things don’t bug me so much. The world where I can make a difference. The world where adventures are real not just in books. The world where anything is possible.

I’m a very nostalgic person. Someone who looks back and wishes she had more time. Sometimes impatient with the present while comparing it to the past. But as I mentioned in a previous post I found a little idea on how not to let it bother me so much. It goes along the lines of,’ at least it happened’. You know, at least I have those memories to cherish, what if I never had them? I wouldn’t trade them. You can draw strength from the good times to get through the bad.

Isn’t it amazing how you had such a good time in the past you can’t stand the present? It’s a credit to your past. And come on, you can’t have it good all the way through life. Through the present, let the past power the light in your eyes and the brightness of your smile.

Spread the love. Keep yourself happy. Brighten up other people’s world with your optimism too. Happiness is a state of mind you make for yourself. If you want to be sad you’ll find a thousand reasons, if you want to be happy you’ll find a thousand reasons. Depends what you’re looking for.
Reality usually has loopholes.

Empowerment

Heart aching ever so slightly
Pangs that came before,and now and then
Too painful to take lightly
Too inconsequential to take out a pen

What is has always been
Futile thoughts swimming, before,now and then
Too imposing to be left unseen
Too daunting to face therein

They said I was smart
Practicality never seemed more far-fetched
Too subjective to let emotions part
Too strung to dream of getting unlatched

Fact of the matter is I like it
I am my choices, I am my hopes
Too dreamy to leave it
Too caught up to mope

Heart enlightened with discovery
An independent soul in it’s own world
Too joyous at it’s own inventory
Too happy the idea got sold

Honey it’s GOLD. 😀

 

The shackles of integration

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To be free like the wind and clouds ❤

It’s hard to explain. How the more integrated I get, the more I just want to stay at home. Every day, I make myself go because I have work to do. Sometimes I want people to talk to me, at others I just want to be alone. I don’t understand what to say, it feels awkward and I get easily overwhelmed. In contrast, I want to do things. I want people to value my opinion. It makes no sense.

I dislike being watched. That may be it. I love the freedom you have when no one’s observing you, like when you’re new to a place and no one looks twice or has any expectations. It’s so utterly freeing, like you can do anything. The more you get accustomed to a place, the more familiar it becomes, the more you get molded into a particular character and role, and the harder it is to break free. That exasperates me, it dims the thrill of a new day. It’s frustrating.

Right now, I want to skip college for a few days, until people kind of forget me and then I can go back and get some semblance of invisibility. But then now I’m ‘Girls Representative’ (the equivalent of prefect) and I have to be responsible. I understand that. I will be responsible and do what I should, but………. I get confused on what to say to people sometimes. I get uncomfortable and totally useless. That’s my problem though, and I’ll handle it. Right now that means talking excessively and over-compensating.

Well I don’t want to waste your time with just this rant, let’s be productive. Ummmm…. well if it does become too much I think I am entitled to a few days off. So that’s OK. And getting uncomfortable around people, let’s be serious, everyone feels that way…. I should just…. bear it? No man, that’s belittling it, that aint right. Let’s work on that. Try different things out…… Oh God this last paragraph is stupid.

Half of me

As the alarm blared from the bedside she mulled over the thought of going to college. She had International Relations and Economics today, her attendance was low and she couldn’t afford to take a day off if she had the option.

Lying in bed she looked up at the ceiling and sighed. It had been 6 months since she started going to B.Sc classes at Government College University but she still hated it. Stuck in the past, every day dragged by unless she immersed herself with events and work. And so she did. She joined all the societies she was presented with and got involved in everything she could. They kept her occupied with less time to sit and brood. But she felt lost. She couldn’t stop, but she wondered why she’d joined in the first place. She didn’t want to stop but she wondered when she’d get to her actual dreams. Every day they seemed more and more fictitious, more and more distant.

She socialized yes, but it felt like going through the motions. For the life of her she couldn’t understand why she felt so detached. Less than a shadow of herself. When did smiles become forced and painful? When did crowds become so lonely?

Rubbing her eyes, though she wasn’t tired, she trudged downstairs; too lazy to change. The person staring back at her through mirrors was hardly recognizable, her mouth literally drooped and sometimes she liked it that way. Other times she would practice smiling to herself because of how alien it was getting.

She didn’t understand what she wanted, she knew she couldn’t get her friends back, they were all far away and though they still talked, she needed them with her. She wanted them every day. But the fact was she couldn’t. So why the sadness? She should move on, she had accepted their distance, but she still craved their presence. It was pathetic. Was this about them or was it something else?

Fact was, she was stuck, stuck at the University for 5 years. She was ready to go into the world and work. To go on adventures and see the real world. But this was just the same old routine she’d gone through in college. Things were supposed to be different now. Not in another 5 years, now. Would things ever change? They had to change; if they didn’t she didn’t know what she would do. She already fantasized about just leaving everything and trying her luck. Heck even kidnap.10313742_738551186194935_728610703389332387_n

Sitting on the sofa, waiting for the bus to come she played videos of ‘nigahiga‘ on her phone to try and cheer herself up. To wake up just a little……….

Walking, overthought

We all walk differently. The walking part is the same but we customize it with our own style. That style can be good or bad. Not that I mind whether a person walks with a slight shuffle or an uneasy awkwardness. I do that, it’s comfortable.

What inspired this post?
I was walking to class today and the guy in front me was walking so well! I know that sounds weird but man you should have seen him! It was so effortless, no hint of self consciousness at all! I can’t even call it walking, it was a proper strut. I found it hilarious. I mean I walk all slouched like, constantly reminding myself to stand up straighter and here he was practically gliding. I mean I thought grace was only in books. A fictional verb that couldn’t be applied to the real world. The sheer contrast of our gaits was comical. I was amused the whole lesson through. Still gives me a good laugh just remembering it.

We all walk differently and it depends upon what’s going through your head. My favourite is the one where you’re lost in thought and don’t consciously put one foot in front of the other…….doesn’t happen often. There’s the walk of shame, the walk of awkwardness, the walk of no-I’m-not-a-loner-I’m-independent etc. So this guy’s walk is classified as; I’m-proud-of-myself-I’m-awesome. Maybe I could walk like that someday if I didn’t think too much. Oh what a curse it is to overthink. It makes everything go wrong.

Ever noticed how people walk? It’s amusing. Just watch and judge and comment (in your head)……. keep yourselves amused…..no I mean, IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE!
As a self proclaimed scientist, I observe, take readings and draw hypotheses. Totally justified.

Just Us

20140313_183615Time’s gone by
We never saw it passing
Each second with you guys
Taken for granted
Now with this gaping hole between us
My heart drops as the days pass on
Yearning for your company
For our souls to meet again
To think, there was a time
When you were all there
At the same place
At the same time
I won’t lie, I’ve fantasized about crimes
The world has me desperate
Fate has me frustrated
Tears brim behind my eyes
Your love gives me strength
Crumbling me at the same time
I’ll fight days, weeks, years
With the hope that we
We shall meet once again
All of us, at the same place
At the same time

Social Expectations

I lack speaking skills. I don’t know what to do in informal situations. Sure in a debate I can survive but when it comes to complete randomness I’m at a loss for words(I’m not that great at debating either). The conversation seems utterly pointless to me and all I can think is, ‘so what?’ or ‘what’s the point of even talking about this?’ and what not. Then people think I’m quiet, so I talk. I say complete crap and it’s such a strain that when I’m free from the group I feel like I need a time out.

That’s where the beauty of friendship lies though. The fact that even complete crap feels relevant. That silence is comfortable. That just being with them is relaxing and you’re left wondering why you tried so hard with people you didn’t need. All you needed was them.

When I’m with people I usually force myself to say things, not all the time, just mostly. Why though? I shouldn’t talk just to make the awkwardness go away or because I feel that’s what is socially required. I should be comfortable in silence. Which I am not. Which I shall work on, spouting nonsense is pretty tiring. That’s why I respect quiet people a little, they don’t feel obligated to be in the conversation. They observe from the sidelines with cool indifference and only talk when the fancy strikes them. That is something I aspire to do. To speak when I want to.

Hypothetically, what if I never want to? Well logically even then it’s fine. Who is society to tell me when to talk?

Is justice wrong?

Why oh why is it so hard for people to believe that someone does something for someone else simply out of the goodness of their heart? Ulterior motives, seriously? Is that why you do everything? Just goes to show how self serving you are. The problem though is the fact that since a majority of the population is self serving they all think along the same track. Hence you’re misunderstood, but they don’t know that. They think they have you pinned.

These people seriously need a vacuum for their thoughts; suck them all into a dirty grimy tube where they belong and hope their head stays clean. Ok the last part was a little extreme, but I wanted to use a description, a dramatic description.

You probably already know this, but people are pretty willing to discard logic and empathy during an argument, the time when you need them the most. They’ll call you names, suspect your motives and stick to their stance stubbornly because now pride’s in the way as well. If they lose the argument that means their ego will get affected. It doesn’t matter to them how what they’re doing is affecting someone else, or that they’re being unjust. No, they must win, at any cost.

You cannot win an argument where logic has been sidelined. What will the premises be? What are the boundaries? It’s so frustrating. I feel like making them sit down and say look, this person here, yeah they have feelings too, as well as rights, don’t overstep them so that person who you want to win gets an unfair advantage. I am not against the said person, I’m just saying, let the proceedings be fair. Let all the candidates be on equal ground. Is it such an abominable thought?

We need to stop letting friendships cloud our judgement. I am sick of people getting opportunities just because they know the right people. Where’s the justice? If you’re the one giving someone an opportunity or award simply because you like them or know them, you are answerable. You are answerable to everyone you stole it from. The problem is that we don’t care about that, unless we’re the one’s being cheated. We need to take responsibility and make other people take it too. Nepotism needs to end. Yes we’re your friend, we love you, but what’s wrong is wrong. I hate people who are prejudiced, who can’t make unbiased decisions or look at both sides of an argument. Instead of fighting, we should put our egos to the side and discuss things with our heads, make compromises and promote people based on their abilities, not connections. Try to hurt as less people as possible, reason with them, make them happy. Yes, you can’t please everyone but is it insane to try? Is it ridiculous to be reasonable? Is justice wrong?

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