And it’s as though each tragedy and miracle unhinges me a little more from reality.
I’ve been lost for a long time. But now I can’t even see the shore.
To describe it to another I would say it’s like floating. Where nothing is real, and dreams and ‘reality’ morph. Unable to tell which from which.
Moments where I have to literally wake myself up from the haze, blink and look around. Trying to ground myself. Endlessly trying to anchor and tell myself that this is where I am, this is reality.
Would you believe me if I say that’s been me since the last 3 years?
Would you believe me if I say, no one’s noticed?
I barely notice at times, I’m a highly functional mess after all.
The biggest problem is, I can’t find where the break is… is it the pain? Is it the betrayal? Is it the world shaking, mind numbing, incomprehensible events that have toyed with my feelings and uprooted my world time and time again?
I’m lost. That’s the only insight I have unto this mess.
I often wonder if it’s my adamant stance to stick to my beliefs, to want to believe them even though they’re the reason I’ve been pounded repeatedly.
I want to care, but as I lose myself, I find myself drifting. Being unable to do basic things.
I want to care and when I realise how laid back I’ve become I don’t recognise myself.
Too tired to make efforts. Too lost to pay attention. And therein lies most of the problem.
Neither here nor there.
Refusing to let go mentally when in reality by dissociation I guess I have.
And that makes me someone I do not want to be.
Maybe that’s it.
What do I do about the pain though?
That’s a plan I can try. Take a deep breath and try to forget. Try to forgive.
It stings. My heart aches but I’ve been nursing it for so long maybe it’s time to stop babying it and retreating into myself.
Feeling sorry isn’t changing anything.
Denial only temporarily muffles the blow and regret can’t change facts..
I know all this.
But what choice do I have but to don the armour and go back to battle?
To be more conscious of my actions and not make excuses for myself.
To allow myself to accept the good without waiting for it to implode and add another scar.
I just want to wake up from the haze.
People think I’m arrogant when I say I don’t do past papers -.- Well technically they don’t say it, they think it. Plus they imply it pretty obviously…..I give them a solid reason in argument. If I did past papers before every school test, the test wouldn’t be a test. It would be a memory exercise. All our teachers give the exams from past papers and if I had already solved that question before and knew it, what exactly would I gain from taking the test. You take exams to assess yourself, how much you know and understand as well as how you apply your concepts. It’s not a memory test, contrary to popular belief. I seriously feel like saying this stuff but everytime I try I just get glares and cold shoulders.
I swear people, yesterday people in my class were complaining that the test they gave yesterday was so hard. They hadn’t done any of it before and they’d done a lot of past papers. I was literally facepalming myself. I even said it, out loud, ‘Thats called a TEST’. They just don’t get it. Or maybe I just don’t get it…..either way its exasperating.
Oh and today my point was proven. It was my chemistry exam and I was worried about it. I had done most of the syllabus but I wanted to practice some questions so that I could assess myself. So I finally opened the past papers randomly. I did one and realized how serious my situation was, so I decided to do another. I did two past papers and checked them using the official marking scheme. I didn’t score well in either of them but I went over my mistakes so I wouldn’t make them again.
I go to school, and sit in the examination room, nervous knowing that I don’t know enough…….or so I thought. I open the paper and bam, the first question is one of the questions in the second past paper I did. I groan inwardly but continue on in the hope that something different is next. You can guess what was next….ANOTHER question I knew. I looked through the whole exam frantically and realized it was a word to word copy of the paper I solves mere hours ago. Answering the questions was childs play and it was frustrating. I like being challenged. Sure I feel crap afterwards but at least I learn something. -.- I’m still bugged about it. I can’t compete with my friends now because that’s unfair. The exam I gave is the equivolent of not giving it……that’s gonna hurt ME in the long run…….. Oh and if I say any of this to someone they’re going to think I’m proud. Peachy.
I am in such a story writing mood! I just wanna sit and type but there’s a whole load of stuff I need to do first! >.< The cricket match article for the magazines due and I just can’t get my head into it so its dragging. I still have to sign the kids certificates; I have 80 left. :O
On the plus side there’s no school tommorow, though thats not that great. I like hanging out with my friends. Plus staying at home all day is boring and depressing these days. The only advantage is sleeping….a big bonus, but it’s the only one.
Oooooh I just remembered, I’m in deep shit. I borrowed a book from a teacher and I left it in the common room while I went to do some work in the computer lab. Now the thing is, I was told to guard the book with my life….I thought I was doing the job but when I came back to collect it, it was GONE!! You cannot imagine the fear that went through me. I was so scared. I looked everywhere! Then I asked some girls from my class and they said the said teacher was shocked to see his book lying around and that he’d taken it back! 😡 He probably thinks I’m an irresponsible idiot…….Ok, the situations a little better now. I JUST got a reply from him…..he says its alright…… But I still need to apologize personally and beg for the book again 😛
Now…..back to the article……
Maybe it’s just me, or perhaps you might be able to relate.
Fact is, it’s easier to accomplish goals and tasks when no one else believes you can. Ok, fine…. Scratch no one, MOST people. It makes the goal even more worthwhile, and fulfilling it a true victory. You want to try and accomplish something no one else has, or something that they have but no one believes you can do too. It’s a challenge. Not something cliché. Surpassing even your own expectations is even better.
BUT everything comes crashing down on you when you do a little, and suddenly everyone thinks you can do anything. They start expecting stuff from you and the goal just loses its charm. It’s glamour. Yep that’s the cliff I’ve fallen down. Just cause of my achievements last year suddenly everyone in school thinks I can do anything. I have like four subjects in my A level right now that I’m studying seriously while two others I’m dabbling in. Both teachers want me to take their subject because they think I can get them the good grades they need. What they don’t understand is that last year, that might have been slightly possible, but this year I have enough on my plate what with being Head Girl and failing in my priority subjects like Math and Physics. I even tried explaining it, but they just shook their heads and said they knew I could do it. I was both honoured and astounded. What really got me incredulous was my principal’s reaction when I said I wanted to take sociology, but only attend the lessons when I felt like it. She actually agreed! I was like dammnnn these people have so much faith.
Those were the issues in the beginning of the year, when everyone was still reveling in my 4 A’s in AS. (Which by the way I know I honestly got from luck and the kids prayers, I seriously told all the little kids to pray for my exams 😛 ) But I found out that some still think that. My sister’s friend’s heck even my brother and sister think I can do anything. It irritates me now. I feel like saying leave me alone people. I’m just like you guys….I just like utilizing time in a different way. Ugh! Ah well. I can’t go around and slap the sense in everyone myself now can I? No matter how tempting 😛 I guess I’ll have to hope it dies down and they all get a life.
That was a major driving force though you know. Proving people wrong through accomplishments. Now I’m stuck with just doing it cause I need to….boring.
Its not just competitions and stuff…. other things like personality. People instantly judge you as something. They can’t know the whole truth in two seconds, yet they still get all emotional and let down when you turn out to be different from what they thought. Well who asked you to expect so much in the first place?
People can be so mean…..They probably don’t think what they did was, but words cut. They sink deep and eat a person up. Makes them think everything they did was so way wrong and out of line, even if it was an honest mistake. Something they had thought was harmless…..Your tone when you say things says it all.
Yes people, first hand experience speaking here. I sung something that apparently offended a friend…..She said a few stuff and now I feel terrible inside. But I wouldn’t chalk all of the sick gut feeling to her. It’s not her fault….I’ve been feeling all terrible and what not for twenty four hours now…..A ticking bomb that was gonna explode into a depression over the slightest thing.
Yesterday it was over nothing I could tell….one minute I was fine and the next I was ultra confused and heavy hearted with knots in my stomach. Probably a mood swing….And now today this has me peering into the endless pit that is my social tactfulness. I suck at being formal. I struggle to say things appropriate for the situation. Anyway I’m gonna stop there cause this rant is benefiting no one.