And as I sit on the other side of the wall, unable to sleep from the bruises and the loneliness; to have you to close yet so far and indifferent. The bruises are getting slightly numb from the cold and I thought my feelings were too as I listened to your carefree laughter from the room. But as I type this, some tears spill free. Tears I had wanted to flow but that couldn’t make until I put these thoughts into written words.
Gazing at the snow capped mountains and the twinkling stars, I wonder why I ever forgot I was always actually alone. How had I let myself slip this far. And a new resolve simmers though I fear for its short lifespan because how can I be mad at the person I love with all my heart. Yes it hurts, I can’t sleep from the mental and physical pain, same as yesterday. But I had also just yesterday read a quote by Paulo Coelho that I told myself I would try to live by and learn be grateful.
Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.
And happy days I have had. So I shall smile and act as though nothing has changed and all is fine but deep down, I just rediscovered my long lost truth. I am alone. ~ 1706
And it’s as though each tragedy and miracle unhinges me a little more from reality.
I’ve been lost for a long time. But now I can’t even see the shore.
To describe it to another I would say it’s like floating. Where nothing is real, and dreams and ‘reality’ morph. Unable to tell which from which.
Moments where I have to literally wake myself up from the haze, blink and look around. Trying to ground myself. Endlessly trying to anchor and tell myself that this is where I am, this is reality.
Would you believe me if I say that’s been me since the last 3 years?
Would you believe me if I say, no one’s noticed?
I barely notice at times, I’m a highly functional mess after all.
The biggest problem is, I can’t find where the break is… is it the pain? Is it the betrayal? Is it the world shaking, mind numbing, incomprehensible events that have toyed with my feelings and uprooted my world time and time again?
I’m lost. That’s the only insight I have unto this mess.
I often wonder if it’s my adamant stance to stick to my beliefs, to want to believe them even though they’re the reason I’ve been pounded repeatedly.
I want to care, but as I lose myself, I find myself drifting. Being unable to do basic things.
I want to care and when I realise how laid back I’ve become I don’t recognise myself.
Too tired to make efforts. Too lost to pay attention. And therein lies most of the problem.
Neither here nor there.
Refusing to let go mentally when in reality by dissociation I guess I have.
And that makes me someone I do not want to be.
Maybe that’s it.
What do I do about the pain though?
That’s a plan I can try. Take a deep breath and try to forget. Try to forgive.
It stings. My heart aches but I’ve been nursing it for so long maybe it’s time to stop babying it and retreating into myself.
Feeling sorry isn’t changing anything.
Denial only temporarily muffles the blow and regret can’t change facts..
I know all this.
But what choice do I have but to don the armour and go back to battle?
To be more conscious of my actions and not make excuses for myself.
To allow myself to accept the good without waiting for it to implode and add another scar.
I just want to wake up from the haze.
I like to think I can understand a person’s situation. Put myself in their shoes and get a perspective. But time and time again I hit a blank wall. I cannot imagine how any living being can be cruel.Without reason. Like don’t you see what you’re doing?! How do you not see yourself!
Today some neighbourhood kids brought over a small, skinny, ginger coloured kitten;not more than a month or two old. She was a timid but friendly little thing. Never complaining when we picked her up, one after the other, to pet and fawn over her. I got some milk to give her and she periodically drank some, wandered around and drank so more, all the while meowing ever so sweetly.
After a while one of the adult neighbourhood cat’s wandered into the garden, eyes locked on the kitten. She was ginger coloured as well so I assumed she may be the mother who’s come to take her kid. With the kitten playing a few steps beneath where I was sitting the cat lunged at her, encompassing the tiny creature and biting viciously.
I was shocked and horrified. I had expected her to pick the kitten up and take her home. I had never seen anything like this in all my experience with kittens. When I realized something wasn’t right I jumped up and scared the cat away with the help of my housemaid. We stood there stunned when she was gone, looking at each other in horror. I couldn’t grasp what had happened. But I didn’t fully panic till I saw the blood beginning to pool around the poor things feet. This was beyond anything I could ever imagine. I’d heard about these things, I watch ‘Discovery’ and ‘National Geographic’, I’m not a stranger to predator-prey relationships. I don’t not know that animals kill one another…..but I never imagined this.
I ran inside to get some cotton and gauze to stop the bleeding some but by the time I got back she was lying in a pool of blood…..close to lifeless. I knew I couldn’t help her. I could barely look at her. I felt weak and helpless, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch her die. I stood outside, and calculated the chances of me saving her.
She had lost too much blood….. There was no one home to take me with her to the vet….I didn’t even know of any vets or veterinary facilities…. I couldn’t see me doing anything. I wished I had some morphine to inject her with so she wouldn’t be in pain. But my own helplessness…the suddenness….her life ebbing away…I was in shock. Why?! Why?? I stood there. Blank. Trying to come up with something. I was there when it had happened. I had let it happen. I should have done something sooner…
She passed away. I still can’t believe it. I keep seeing the cat lunge and the lifeless body in the pool of blood. I can’t process it…. My mind just gets kinda numb.
What does this mean? If something so horrible can happen right in front of you… for NO REASON… how can you ever save the people and things you care about? Is that life? Danger everywhere? For the first time I kind of actually first hand understand my parents insane protectiveness a bit. I mean there’s little you can do after something has happened. And you can never undo it. You don’t even know if you can fix it…. My dad always says better safe than sorry…
I don’t know. I don’t know.
What type of love tears you up inside?
Makes you want to abandon all you believe in
That too without even being asked?
What type of love makes you retreat into yourself?
Makes you struggle over thoughts and words
That too without any care or concern?
What type of love fills you with such desperation?
Makes you willing to love through your own hell
That too without any gratitude or acknowledgement?
What type of love leaves gaping holes in your heart?
Makes you yearn for mere words, true or not
That too without compassion or even a thought?
I’ll tell you
The wrong kind
And sometimes its just you. It always has been, you’re just so damn good at fooling yourself.
Is it so bad to live in a fantasy world? What even is reality? What if you just took some facts from the ‘real’ world and molded them into you’re fantasy? Plausible deniability.
Ok wait what even is reality? I mean we hardly ever have all the hard facts anyway. We have a few and we deduce the rest. Is it reality when you’re deductions are cynical and a fantasy when you dream for beautiful things. Other people will say so. They’ll say you’re lining yourself up for disappointment, sure that may be possible, but what you think will happen isn’t going to affect what will happen. So at least the moment till the truth hits is magical. Whereas for the realists it’s bleak. The end will be the same. (Though Noetic Science suggests our thoughts affect the outcome, just saying) What if the end was great? You didn’t waste your time and mood in worry. If it didn’t work out, well for a moment you thought it would, you had hope. Worry cripples you, hope paints a picture that adds a skip to your step. Life’s too short to spend all that time worrying and anticipating the worst.
I’ve been depressed for so long I got sick of it. I choose my fantasy. The world where I will travel across the globe. The world where I can start an orphanage and school. The world where I can be a book author. The world where the little things don’t bug me so much. The world where I can make a difference. The world where adventures are real not just in books. The world where anything is possible.
I’m a very nostalgic person. Someone who looks back and wishes she had more time. Sometimes impatient with the present while comparing it to the past. But as I mentioned in a previous post I found a little idea on how not to let it bother me so much. It goes along the lines of,’ at least it happened’. You know, at least I have those memories to cherish, what if I never had them? I wouldn’t trade them. You can draw strength from the good times to get through the bad.
Isn’t it amazing how you had such a good time in the past you can’t stand the present? It’s a credit to your past. And come on, you can’t have it good all the way through life. Through the present, let the past power the light in your eyes and the brightness of your smile.
Spread the love. Keep yourself happy. Brighten up other people’s world with your optimism too. Happiness is a state of mind you make for yourself. If you want to be sad you’ll find a thousand reasons, if you want to be happy you’ll find a thousand reasons. Depends what you’re looking for.
Reality usually has loopholes.
How truthful are we to ourselves?
We’re our greatest lawyers….. piling excuses upon excuses. Hiding the facts, from ourselves and the world. We just deny it. Feign surprise if it’s pointed out. Some part of us agrees we’re too aggressive, too bossy but if someone says it we ask other people their opinion. Latching onto the polite soul who gives us the excuse or denial we need. Some part of us wonders but we take comfort in that one shred of an alibi, hushing our doubt for a later time. For the next time.
I’m not saying bossy is a bad thing. It’s not entirely good either. I’m bossy. I know it. I get tense about getting things done on time, the right way, and I wield that desperation into telling people what to do. I wouldn’t need to if they had brains and weren’t complete idiots. Joking 😛 But yeah, it’s the sense of responsibility that spurs the bossiness. I accept that I should tone it down, it’s okay to dawdle in between. Though I don’t enjoy it, I know people do…..
The point is, you should own your flaws and consider what people have to say about them. Consider them, you don’t have to agree, just think about it. It could make life easier for you if people didn’t think you were arrogant and unreasonable. (I’m arrogant too by the way, possibly unreasonable at times)
Though I wonder. What if you liked being arrogant and unreasonable? Hmmm that’s a toughy. It’s hard to encourage that xD
Lol okay okay….ummm. Fine man, be arrogant and unreasonable. Own it. See how that works out for you. Just think though, if you’re smart you should actually accept the fact that you’re human, hence open to mistakes. Arrogance and unreasonability aren’t strong suits, they’re your weakness. Know it. At least that’s what I think….
At the end of the day. Your good and bad is you. Revel in it. Accept it. If you accept who you are, you can control who you are. Otherwise you’re lost. With no particular direction or evolution. If you don’t know who you are, you’re just a product of the things happening to you. Okay, yes everyone is a product of things happening to them but the thing is how we act in those situations is who we are, if you’re not aware of who you are, your actions are almost animalistic. A simple product of society, like a leaf being blown by the wind. With no idea where its going and why. Your acceptance of who you are, warts and all, is your anchor. The key to achieving your goals.
Take responsibility for your actions and their consequences.
Find your anchor. 🙂
As the alarm blared from the bedside she mulled over the thought of going to college. She had International Relations and Economics today, her attendance was low and she couldn’t afford to take a day off if she had the option.
Lying in bed she looked up at the ceiling and sighed. It had been 6 months since she started going to B.Sc classes at Government College University but she still hated it. Stuck in the past, every day dragged by unless she immersed herself with events and work. And so she did. She joined all the societies she was presented with and got involved in everything she could. They kept her occupied with less time to sit and brood. But she felt lost. She couldn’t stop, but she wondered why she’d joined in the first place. She didn’t want to stop but she wondered when she’d get to her actual dreams. Every day they seemed more and more fictitious, more and more distant.
She socialized yes, but it felt like going through the motions. For the life of her she couldn’t understand why she felt so detached. Less than a shadow of herself. When did smiles become forced and painful? When did crowds become so lonely?
Rubbing her eyes, though she wasn’t tired, she trudged downstairs; too lazy to change. The person staring back at her through mirrors was hardly recognizable, her mouth literally drooped and sometimes she liked it that way. Other times she would practice smiling to herself because of how alien it was getting.
She didn’t understand what she wanted, she knew she couldn’t get her friends back, they were all far away and though they still talked, she needed them with her. She wanted them every day. But the fact was she couldn’t. So why the sadness? She should move on, she had accepted their distance, but she still craved their presence. It was pathetic. Was this about them or was it something else?
Fact was, she was stuck, stuck at the University for 5 years. She was ready to go into the world and work. To go on adventures and see the real world. But this was just the same old routine she’d gone through in college. Things were supposed to be different now. Not in another 5 years, now. Would things ever change? They had to change; if they didn’t she didn’t know what she would do. She already fantasized about just leaving everything and trying her luck. Heck even kidnap.
Sitting on the sofa, waiting for the bus to come she played videos of ‘nigahiga‘ on her phone to try and cheer herself up. To wake up just a little……….
So today I went to a diabetes conference in a nearby hotel. It was ok, though the speakers were terrible. They literally just made a slideshow presentation and read off of it. All I could think of, and it was seriously hard to stop myself from going on stage and teaching them how to talk to an audience, was that I could read off those slides and do it better. They were getting shields for absolutely nothing. I could copy paste bullet points about diabetes from the internet and drone better than them. It was aggravating. Between speeches the host had to keep coming on stage to remind us how wonderful the previous speaker was and how his monotonous, long presentation was so brief, kudos to him and could everyone please give him a round of applause. That host needed a good talking to.
Anyway back to the topic, so I was coming back from the tea that had just been served after the first two sessions. Walking through the hall, I noticed a guy, a big guy, turn around and look at me. The way he looked, it seemed like he recognized me from somewhere though I was absolutely clueless about him. He turned back around and walked on and I disregarded it. But the weird thing was that when I sat down I thought I could feel him looking at me.
Haha, the things that went through my head. I’m not joking when I say I still think my theories are possible…… my first thought was he’s an assassin sent to kill me. I know a few people who aren’t very happy with me right now, and they have ways. o.o
Then I thought no, maybe he’s from the future and he’s here to thank me for something I did, he could be here to protect from a potential threat too, arrogant I know, but my thoughts aren’t that censored. That one is the most likely of the theories, my dreams are so coming true; yay. Anyway another one was that I was imagining it and it was all in my head. That’s stupid though, people have senses for a reason, plus pssshhhh being self conscious doesn’t make you imagine things, that’s far fetched. It’s not even a theory, just a passing thought. Moving on……my last theory was that the guy was a gangster from the future sent to kill me because……well I don’t know why. I mean I’m pretty damn great.
All in all, I didn’t really think I’d make it home today. I was going to be abducted and tortured to death. What a thrilling end.
But I’m still here, in front of my laptop. Boring much?…..yep.
P.S…….this is a very lame post…..I don’t know why I’m publishing it…..
I have a pretty bleak outlook on life sometimes. You might know it; it’s the one where you don’t really see the point in anything because you’re just like ‘ we’re all going to die anyway’. Or you can’t enjoy anything because it’s all so predictable. There’s the other outlook as well, where all you can think of is what might have been, how much you miss your friends, the old carefree times, how you’re not where you wanted to be in life, doubting your dreams etc.
Yeap, I go down that lane often. Too often. But today I had a thought. I miss my granddad, I miss my friends, but what if I’d never had those moments with them? The memories I cling to and cherish? Where would I be without them? WHO would I be without them? Looking back on those moments I shouldn’t fall on my knees in misery, I shouldn’t hug pillows to my chest and try to cover the gaping hole in my heart. I should remember and be grateful that fate had smiled on me so warmly. That I had had such a great granddad, that I had been so fortunate as to have had such awesome friends.
Looking back, take a deep breath and feel the euphoria. All those memories, all those people, they are with you. No one can take those times away from you. When you think that life is predictable, wake up and smell the sweet summer air because life is anything but predictable. That’s the beauty of it. No matter how sure you are, you’re wrong.
Yes, yes we’re all going to die, but does that mean we can’t have some fun before we go? That we can’t enjoy these things called emotions, that if allowed, can wreak havoc on our minds in the most beautiful of ways? Don’t buffer the love inside you, let other people feel it too. Don’t let the hate and jealousy fester inside of you, reason with it. It’s one thing to be realistic, it’s another to know the cold hard facts, and to play with them.
Be grateful for what you had, never lose hope that there won’t be more. If the current circumstances aren’t working for you, it’s OK to indulge in your memories of better times, it’s not living in the past, it’s finding a way to get through the present.
Why oh why is it so hard for people to believe that someone does something for someone else simply out of the goodness of their heart? Ulterior motives, seriously? Is that why you do everything? Just goes to show how self serving you are. The problem though is the fact that since a majority of the population is self serving they all think along the same track. Hence you’re misunderstood, but they don’t know that. They think they have you pinned.
These people seriously need a vacuum for their thoughts; suck them all into a dirty grimy tube where they belong and hope their head stays clean. Ok the last part was a little extreme, but I wanted to use a description, a dramatic description.
You probably already know this, but people are pretty willing to discard logic and empathy during an argument, the time when you need them the most. They’ll call you names, suspect your motives and stick to their stance stubbornly because now pride’s in the way as well. If they lose the argument that means their ego will get affected. It doesn’t matter to them how what they’re doing is affecting someone else, or that they’re being unjust. No, they must win, at any cost.
You cannot win an argument where logic has been sidelined. What will the premises be? What are the boundaries? It’s so frustrating. I feel like making them sit down and say look, this person here, yeah they have feelings too, as well as rights, don’t overstep them so that person who you want to win gets an unfair advantage. I am not against the said person, I’m just saying, let the proceedings be fair. Let all the candidates be on equal ground. Is it such an abominable thought?
We need to stop letting friendships cloud our judgement. I am sick of people getting opportunities just because they know the right people. Where’s the justice? If you’re the one giving someone an opportunity or award simply because you like them or know them, you are answerable. You are answerable to everyone you stole it from. The problem is that we don’t care about that, unless we’re the one’s being cheated. We need to take responsibility and make other people take it too. Nepotism needs to end. Yes we’re your friend, we love you, but what’s wrong is wrong. I hate people who are prejudiced, who can’t make unbiased decisions or look at both sides of an argument. Instead of fighting, we should put our egos to the side and discuss things with our heads, make compromises and promote people based on their abilities, not connections. Try to hurt as less people as possible, reason with them, make them happy. Yes, you can’t please everyone but is it insane to try? Is it ridiculous to be reasonable? Is justice wrong?
It’s been days, I think I’ve forgotten
At the very least gone numb
Yet the dates I do watch
The days I do count
Sudden urges to talk, worrying endlessly
We’ve never been close
Yet the feelings do storm
The urges do come
Worry to frustration, bitter anger surfaces
You utter idiot, complete fool
Yet the facts do remain
The frustrations do come
I loathe you, but that is a feeling
Feelings you are not worth
Yet loathe you I do not
The feelings do come
Patience and faith, I did what I could
It’s your play now
Yet patient I am not
The faith does not come
Anyone can use fancy words, it’s what they do that counts. ~A.A.J
So I didn’t get into my dream university. I got the rejection letter yesterday. I’m not going to lie, I feel like shit. Sigh. The funny thing, well not funny for me right now, it’s actually real damn annoying right now, is that I actually tried. I usually don’t until the last day. I’ve slacked before countless tests but for this one I studied a lot.
So many people I know got in. I guess I just wasn’t good enough. Though in my head I keep thinking of excuses, futile efforts to try and make me feel better. Facts are facts though, no point in dwelling I guess. You can’t win at everything, failing is a part of life. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s probably for the best. All the cliche lines are going through my head but they aren’t helping. I need a new focus. A new dream to aim for and distract me. The only question is what?
The big what next?
I’m applying to other unis of course. But my interest is waning. Life is full of surprises though and that’s what I’m banking on. Let’s see where it takes me. I’ve had my share of setbacks, contrary to what most people I know think. Pfft ‘setback’. Lol you know that was the first word I saw on the letter I got. It took a while to sink in though. I never even realized how much I wanted to go till now. The past is the past though. I’m using ‘though’ a lot but what the hay. Anyway I’l just do some research and hopefully get enthusiastic again.
You gaze coolly at me from the distance
A slightly amused smirk plays on your lips as I run
The ground shakes, the ground splits
I hesitate but one look at you and I’m scrambling again
Across the debris, past the pitying faces
All the while you look, but you do not move
I trip, you do not flinch
Face apathetic, eyes cold
Why I run, I know not
Memories fuel my efforts, driving me
I refuse to believe you are lost
Images play before my eyes
Standing over me, eyes twinkiling with warmth
full of concern, full of love
The earth shakes, the distance is increasing
Tears spill over my cheeks as I realize I won’t make it
On my knees, I watch helpless
You’re drifting, drifting, drifting……..