Fact is, the more you dwell the more insurmountable it seems.
I’ve been kind of obsessing again lately. All the things I wish were different, the whole ‘if only’ streak. It’s hard letting go of something you thought was the truth all those years. You wonder and you wonder of ways in which you could be wrong now just to justify your past delusion; but you have to accept it and work from that.
My coping mechanism for a terrible world is sleep. To just lay in bed, curl up with a layer of blanket hugging me and just drift off. So that’s been me the past couple of days. I caught myself mid process just now, realizing what I was doing and thought I’d write about it. Come up with a motivating solution. It could help.
Pity parties just come naturally to me. One thing gone wrong and I spiral into a vast ocean of all things to go wrong ever and how life sucks, and I do too kind of. Not everything is the end of the world. I should know that as well as all those unfortunate people out there who have the same tendency.
One great example is how I got a tad depressed over my siblings and cousins going out to a new eatery while I was out of town. It sounds like a small thing but my mind blew it wayy out of proportion and I was hugely down for a couple of hours. Turns out (I found out a few days later) that they never even went, they simply walked in, sat down and walked out. So I basically obsessed over nothing and ruined part of a pretty good day.
So what shall I do now? The problem at hand isn’t exactly small by any measure, objectively or especially subjectively. And what really has me pensive is wondering if I should be doing something. But I can’t think of anything. I’m at a stalemate and what I really want to do is leave it to destiny.
It sounds weak but I think sometimes it’s okay. When you can’t think of any plausible solution, when you’ve been deluded for years, and when you have indeed tried your best. Destiny is destiny, you work hard but at the end of the day whether you work or not, you get what you get. Try as hard as you can and leave the rest to God.
You can’t ever predict your life. Some things are up to fate. Try not to life pass you by while you obsess because that will happen, and it will happen without you even realizing it. Plus self pity gives you an excuse to go easy on yourself. ‘It’s okay if you didn’t give your porject 100%, shit was happening’ or ‘So what you weren’t there for your friend, you were going through your own hell’. *sigh* I’ve been guilty of both and a lot more the past year.
It’s easy to let yourself off. But time doesn’t come back. It’s not fair to you, or those around you. You’ll regret wasting so much energy on something you couldn’t have done anything about. All the mental tension and strain, how it influenced your life, will all have been for naught. Live your life and give things your 100%; no excuses. Leave to fate things you can not control. Breathe. It will be fine.
Breathe. Focus on the present.
And sometimes its just you. It always has been, you’re just so damn good at fooling yourself.
People can be so mean…..They probably don’t think what they did was, but words cut. They sink deep and eat a person up. Makes them think everything they did was so way wrong and out of line, even if it was an honest mistake. Something they had thought was harmless…..Your tone when you say things says it all.
Yes people, first hand experience speaking here. I sung something that apparently offended a friend…..She said a few stuff and now I feel terrible inside. But I wouldn’t chalk all of the sick gut feeling to her. It’s not her fault….I’ve been feeling all terrible and what not for twenty four hours now…..A ticking bomb that was gonna explode into a depression over the slightest thing.
Yesterday it was over nothing I could tell….one minute I was fine and the next I was ultra confused and heavy hearted with knots in my stomach. Probably a mood swing….And now today this has me peering into the endless pit that is my social tactfulness. I suck at being formal. I struggle to say things appropriate for the situation. Anyway I’m gonna stop there cause this rant is benefiting no one.
“I failed my chemistry midterm. I know it’s only a monthly assessment for my classmates, but for me it’s something much more. I feel pale. It’s hard to breathe. If my grades don’t improve I have no future. My aunt and uncle have been kind enough to put up with me since my parents died two years ago. But I feel like a burden on them. I’m an outsider in their home. I feel like an intruder. I don’t belong. No matter what I do, no matter how much I achieve I feel incomplete. There’s no one to share my victories with. Who’ll feel proud of me when I succeed and tell me off when I screw up. My heart splutters. I wish I could hug my mum.
It’s this need that exists in every second of every day, that has me crawling into a fetal position to try and ease the pain, that I want to discard. Maybe if I got better grades, my teachers would appreciate me….If I smoked those cigarettes everyone in class does they would accept me as one of them. Who cares if I die anyway…..”
So much more than that plagues the mind of an orphan. My heart goes out to them and I wish I could just take them all and give them a huge hug, give them all the love they crave and deserve. I seriously cannot wait until I’m independent enough to adopt an orphan! Heck, I would right now but I want to be able to provide for him/her so that means waiting for a while until I get a job.
Drowning myself in everything near and far
To occupy my thoughts from straying too far
Not completely understanding why
I mean I was completely fine, wasn’t I?
The rug was pulled and it became evident
The mess underneath was beyond the expectant
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
The whirlwind of emotions, let rip inside
The will to fight was long gone
With a sigh I was done.
Look around, the trees,the flowers,the clouds,the mud……..everything is so beautiful. Just looking at these things makes me grateful I can see them. That I was born with eyes that can see colours, that colours even exist for me to see. Try it. Look around yourself and just appreciate every minute detail, every minute colour and shade… It’s invigorating.
Look down at your hands. Isn’t it just awesome that you have hands. That you have the power to control their movement unlike those people who are paralyzed?
Your blessings don’t just end there however, you also have taste buds that enable you to taste delicious delicacies and bask in the sensation of the different flavours.
What have we done to deserve such gifts? What have the people who don’t have them done to have themselves stripped of these necessities? Nothing. So sit back and feel grateful. You have it better than some. Make the most of what you have and be grateful for everything you have. We can never thank Allah/God enough for all He’s bestowed upon us.
I see you there, looking at me or through me?
I see you there, ignoring me or listening to me?
The worry in your eyes, you seem so detached
No one else notices, oblivious to the facts
Sitting there, with your guard up and a smile on
Sitting there, acting brave and strong
For the ordinary observer not one who cares
You are fine, not scared
Don’t you know I don’t care
Whether your perfect or full of flaws
You know what I love? How randomly one little thing that happens to you can make you feel so good! I mean you read it, you see it, you hear it or anything and at that moment you feel great! Something totally random. Something that to others is probably not that big of a deal just totally lights up your world and suddenly the world seems right. =D
Ok so now you’re probably wondering…..huh? What the heck has her so worked up?
It was actually a blog about this girl(confessionsofasmalltownslacker) (Yeah I know even her name is awesome) who seems so much like me that it felt great to read through each and every one of her posts. Yeah it sounds stalkerish but what the hay =P Everything sounded like something I could write. Reading it made me feel less weird….so yeah that was the reason for the awesome mood at the moment.
Other times awesome moods hit me…….once I felt terrible and I locked myself in my room. After like half an hour of crying (I can’t remember why) I heard the sound of little kittens meowing outside the window. The sound of the kittens made me feel better instantly…..I was really grateful.
Hmm mm other times, other times…..my friends are good sweet talkers. So sometimes they help out. Other times its a random quote I happen to come across or a song with nice lyrics. Even the fact that someone notices I’m upset and takes the trouble to ask makes me feel better because I’m not good at expressing myself so most people don’t even realize when I’m upset. You can see how that’s depressing in its own way when no one even notices…. but yeah then that’s the point. Its the little things that sometimes get us through the bad stuff. And when someone actually helps you get through a tough spot you tend to remember it and be forever indebted to that person. So anytime you see someone upset even though you might not know what to say, most of the time even listening helps.
Ok I got off track there, the post was supposed to be light hearted…..anyway! I just want to say…….Enjoy the little things!