I understand jokes. I understand playful teasing. I understand lines.
I love freedom; the notion that I can do what I want if the fancy strikes me. But no matter which way I think of it, I see boundaries of even that. The boundaries that make me human; a functional, analytical, empathetic, emotional being. Something that separates me from your average primate. The more you let yourself go the more animalistic you are. As I’m writing this I have this feeling I dreamt of something similar last night. Something about having control over yourself. I wish I could remember, I think I learned something.
Anyway, so many people I know go over these boundaries and don’t even think twice about them. They seem to think that they’re just being truthful, or that they’re being themselves…. I’m all for being yourself, but not if it’s hurting someone. We humans are so weak, so little can wreak so much havoc in our minds and if you think that’s not true then you’re in denial. You’re repressing it, and that repression makes you cold. You don’t see people’s feelings anymore because you’re denying yourself of your own too. Feeling, its not so bad my friend. It has its highs and lows, but it shows you what you want in life. It makes a day interesting, and you see people as people just like you rather than as a sea of enemies out to get you.
I do a lot of stuff that I want to. But the lines I have made are the ones that I hope make my parents happy. I try and keep within the moral code of religion. Then there are the ones that I have to protect people ( My siblings being the exception)(It’s just hard being nice to them)(I am trying though). You have no idea what someone is going through, you have no idea what might hurt them, you have no idea if all their laughter is fake and they’re just really brilliant actors. I’ve met so many people who fall in these categories that social conversations get confusing 😛 haha, nah it’s ok. You won’t be like that.
I don’t know. Basically what I’m trying to say is that, find your boundaries. Especially in this day and age where every other facebook post, tweet or anything is basically telling you to be yourself and not care what people think. I agree, but people are taking it to mean be as rude as you want without any regard for anyone else. Assess what you would or wouldn’t do and why. You’ll find your framework. It won’t restrict you, it’ll make things clearer for you and you won’t do as much things that you’ll regret. You’ll be happier with yourself and decisions will be easier to take and follow through.
It all comes down to, what’s important to you?
I am so annoyed right now. I am such a pushover. I used to think it’s because I joke around that people don’t take me seriously but now I think it’s also because I’m way too flexible. Is it my fault that I like to accommodate other peoples ideas and thoughts into a decision? Or that I’m not THAT stubborn.
People only take me seriously in the beginning when they think I’m someone who has an opinion. But over time I get sidelined because I don’t yell as much as other people? I don’t get it. That’s the problem. I mean if I understood the root cause of why people everywhere sideline me I would be able to fix it. But if I don’t know why I can’t do anything. On top of it all I can’t be objective. I’m obviously biased and so my theories are subjective. And to top it, no one will ever tell me why because they’ll start off by saying I don’t get sidelined, then blah blah I’m this blah blah I’m that. No straight answer. I’m frustrated.
Plus I used to think maybe it’s just people I used to know but even new people have started adopting this sideline-sleepy programme. If it’s because I’m too pliable, well I don’t know, I just don’t see the logic in continuing to stand by your stance when you realize you’re wrong or that someone else’s idea is better. It could be my readiness to accept I’m wrong and that other people’s ideas are better too. But then that comes under pride; to assume all I say is the best. See what I mean by confusing.
This shall be improved upon. Maybe if I didn’t care if people heard me they would hear me. People are twisted that way.
It’s been days, I think I’ve forgotten
At the very least gone numb
Yet the dates I do watch
The days I do count
Sudden urges to talk, worrying endlessly
We’ve never been close
Yet the feelings do storm
The urges do come
Worry to frustration, bitter anger surfaces
You utter idiot, complete fool
Yet the facts do remain
The frustrations do come
I loathe you, but that is a feeling
Feelings you are not worth
Yet loathe you I do not
The feelings do come
Patience and faith, I did what I could
It’s your play now
Yet patient I am not
The faith does not come
Ok this post is going to be a bit cynical and it’s just an opinion so I don’t want anyone to start fighting over the content. Chill, I know people are different…..I’m just giving my opinion and this stuff is somewhat true for me too, as bad as it is. I just needed to write it…… I don’t know why, just did.
Well here’s the deal, us girls and by us girls that includes me, or maybe just me I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure other people can relate too, well when we see people succeed at something we get jealous. Sure we put on a smile congratulate them maybe even compliment them but inside we resent them. The fact is, it’s not them we resent, but ourselves. We’re internally kicking ourselves for failing or not trying enough. This could be true for guys too.
It might not even be a competition. It could be that we’re jealous of someones good looks, their grace, the way they get along with everyone, how they have a better easier life, anything. We dislike that person because being around them or talking to them just reminds us of our shortcomings. The dislike turns to hate when people start preferring them over us, or treating us differently, They might not even actually be doing anything but once you start hating someone, everything they do seems wrong to you. You see everything through prejudiced eyes that amplify everything and read too much into situations. You try to contain your hate but it starts to show. You turn hostile towards them and maybe even start demeaning them. The poor soul hasn’t even done anything, our own insecurities have made them a victim. We’ve seen it in countless movies, pretty girls get shunned by other girls just because of their looks, even if they’re nice. People feel threatened when someone’s better than them.
I’m ashamed to say that yeah I do it too…….. I try not to, but you know it just gets to your mind. You pity your own flaws and resent the other person for being so perfect. You start looking for flaws in them and that’s wrong. The first step to solving a problem is to acknowledge it. I’m not saying that no one ever congratulates someone genuinely no no, that’s not true. I know I honestly get happy when someone succeeds or accomplishes something. Jealousy situations are less, but they are there. Lol they can be as small as this; like when someone who always gets the highest in class says they never study, you tend to get angry at them and your like ‘ yeah right’, and you think that that person is such a liar when it could in fact be true. I’m speaking from experience here. It is actually possible.
I apologize if I over emphasized girls but I just felt that girls get jealous more. Boys do too though, they’re not perfect. The point of the post was just to make you think before you start disliking someone. Honestly ask yourself what the real reason is that you don’t like them. Food for thought.
Charles Horton Cooley in his concept of the looking glass self describes how we,humans, tend to derive our essence, our personality from those around us. He explains this as, ‘There is no self without society, no “I” without a corresponding “they” to provide our self image.’ We look at how other people perceive us, and judge ourselves accordingly.
Now is that right? I mean people don’t know us fully, they only see what we show them. Then they judge us based on how we treat them, selfishly without any consideration to the bigger picture. But then again, technically how we react to people is who we are, even if we are faking it, is still ‘us’, under our conscious control.
It’s a twisting concept…..Cooley basically explains how we wouldn’t have personalities without society. That there’d be no self,we wouldn’t have proper emotions or coherant thoughts …………. Thats a big hole in the Tarzan story. 😛 Sorry that was random. I guess it is Disney so anything is possible. Disney’s awesome. 😀 …………Ok back to the topic.
So basically no matter how much we try to not let people affect us, they do. They’re the ones who tell us who we are, but what we choose to do with that image is up to us. If people view us as stupid, it’s up to us whether to let that be true and do nothing, or try to change that about ourself. That way we influence their views, and hence our views, so we have some control over it! Yes! Thats somewhat comforting……But technically our attitude to peoples views also depends upon how we saw people tackle similar situations. So the people also influence our reactions to their thoughts.
Confusing stuff…….very twisted. Everyone we know, knew or will know….. they all have an impact on us.
Hold your own
know your name
and go your own way. ~Details in the Fabric
The thought is numbing
Standing up and being made a fool
Not being able to speak
No coherant thoughts
With observing eyes
Letting people down
Knowing I can’t argue
That people are scary
Their judging ways
Get under my skin
Into my thoughts
Its a stone cold paralysis
Of the highest degree
Maybe it’s just me, or perhaps you might be able to relate.
Fact is, it’s easier to accomplish goals and tasks when no one else believes you can. Ok, fine…. Scratch no one, MOST people. It makes the goal even more worthwhile, and fulfilling it a true victory. You want to try and accomplish something no one else has, or something that they have but no one believes you can do too. It’s a challenge. Not something cliché. Surpassing even your own expectations is even better.
BUT everything comes crashing down on you when you do a little, and suddenly everyone thinks you can do anything. They start expecting stuff from you and the goal just loses its charm. It’s glamour. Yep that’s the cliff I’ve fallen down. Just cause of my achievements last year suddenly everyone in school thinks I can do anything. I have like four subjects in my A level right now that I’m studying seriously while two others I’m dabbling in. Both teachers want me to take their subject because they think I can get them the good grades they need. What they don’t understand is that last year, that might have been slightly possible, but this year I have enough on my plate what with being Head Girl and failing in my priority subjects like Math and Physics. I even tried explaining it, but they just shook their heads and said they knew I could do it. I was both honoured and astounded. What really got me incredulous was my principal’s reaction when I said I wanted to take sociology, but only attend the lessons when I felt like it. She actually agreed! I was like dammnnn these people have so much faith.
Those were the issues in the beginning of the year, when everyone was still reveling in my 4 A’s in AS. (Which by the way I know I honestly got from luck and the kids prayers, I seriously told all the little kids to pray for my exams 😛 ) But I found out that some still think that. My sister’s friend’s heck even my brother and sister think I can do anything. It irritates me now. I feel like saying leave me alone people. I’m just like you guys….I just like utilizing time in a different way. Ugh! Ah well. I can’t go around and slap the sense in everyone myself now can I? No matter how tempting 😛 I guess I’ll have to hope it dies down and they all get a life.
That was a major driving force though you know. Proving people wrong through accomplishments. Now I’m stuck with just doing it cause I need to….boring.
Its not just competitions and stuff…. other things like personality. People instantly judge you as something. They can’t know the whole truth in two seconds, yet they still get all emotional and let down when you turn out to be different from what they thought. Well who asked you to expect so much in the first place?
There was an understanding
An agreement between hearts
That was so secure,full of trust
School was a hangout
Everyday an adventure
Where missing out on one day
Was pure torture
Talking, as easy as breathing
Laughing as effortless as blinking
Always knowing you weren’t being judged
A sense of freedom and confidence
A pack that was invincible
We didn’t need the world
Too good to last
Time caught up with us
Tearing us apart
Throwing reality in our faces
Looking back on it all
The times feel too good to be real
A dream way too surreal
People can be so mean…..They probably don’t think what they did was, but words cut. They sink deep and eat a person up. Makes them think everything they did was so way wrong and out of line, even if it was an honest mistake. Something they had thought was harmless…..Your tone when you say things says it all.
Yes people, first hand experience speaking here. I sung something that apparently offended a friend…..She said a few stuff and now I feel terrible inside. But I wouldn’t chalk all of the sick gut feeling to her. It’s not her fault….I’ve been feeling all terrible and what not for twenty four hours now…..A ticking bomb that was gonna explode into a depression over the slightest thing.
Yesterday it was over nothing I could tell….one minute I was fine and the next I was ultra confused and heavy hearted with knots in my stomach. Probably a mood swing….And now today this has me peering into the endless pit that is my social tactfulness. I suck at being formal. I struggle to say things appropriate for the situation. Anyway I’m gonna stop there cause this rant is benefiting no one.
“I failed my chemistry midterm. I know it’s only a monthly assessment for my classmates, but for me it’s something much more. I feel pale. It’s hard to breathe. If my grades don’t improve I have no future. My aunt and uncle have been kind enough to put up with me since my parents died two years ago. But I feel like a burden on them. I’m an outsider in their home. I feel like an intruder. I don’t belong. No matter what I do, no matter how much I achieve I feel incomplete. There’s no one to share my victories with. Who’ll feel proud of me when I succeed and tell me off when I screw up. My heart splutters. I wish I could hug my mum.
It’s this need that exists in every second of every day, that has me crawling into a fetal position to try and ease the pain, that I want to discard. Maybe if I got better grades, my teachers would appreciate me….If I smoked those cigarettes everyone in class does they would accept me as one of them. Who cares if I die anyway…..”
So much more than that plagues the mind of an orphan. My heart goes out to them and I wish I could just take them all and give them a huge hug, give them all the love they crave and deserve. I seriously cannot wait until I’m independent enough to adopt an orphan! Heck, I would right now but I want to be able to provide for him/her so that means waiting for a while until I get a job.
Happy New Solar Year guys! I hope 2013 brings you joy and happiness, that your dreams come true and that the year exceeds all your expectations!
Know that the first step to fulfilling your dreams is by believing they are possible, every crazy twisted dream is possible. Make them your goals and work towards them, everyday, bit by bit.~A.A.Jaspal.
Look to the skies. The skies never fail.
So yesterday I was stuck at academy for a good two hours. In the cold, with my hands freezing, my feet would have been too but thank God I was wearing boots. My phone wasn’t working, can you believe my luck? Anyway, so basically I was bored cause it was a Saturday and I was the only Einstein who showed up. Well there were some boys there but they were strangers so they don’t count. Plus they were studying.
So I started listening to songs on my phone and looked up, out of habit. It was a cloudless sky, boring.But then I saw swarms of eagles flying here and there. I started observing them. From experience I know the ones back home hate me. Even though I’ve tried to get them to like me, they’re stubborn. Coming back to the story, I noticed that the wing and tail patterns of these eagles were different from each other and, since I’d given my biology midterm that day, I wanted to note down my ‘research’. To study how the different phenotype’s benefited the eagle who had it. Survival of the fittest being the law and all.
I have a feeling my eagle friends back home told these guys stuff about me. I swear whatever they said wasn’t true, but these poor fella’s didn’t know that. Nor did they let me clarify. As soon as I took my notebook out to draw them as they flew overhead, they stopped flying over head. They all ditched me. The nerve of them. Stopping me from my dreams of being a biologist. But I can be stubborn too, plus I had time. Lots and lots of time. So I sat there, staring obstinately and I managed to draw them, with no help from them at all.
The moral of the story being, the skies never fail, though the ones in them might 😛 So if the eagles don’t like you, no hard feelings, I’d like to believe they don’t like anyone. And if the skies themselves fail you…..well then your doomed. 🙂 jk
Its almost 2013! No idea why but I’m pretty excited about the new year. Maybe it’s the general ‘newness’ about it makes you feel like you can do anything. That you can have a clean slate and try things you haven’t already done. That anything is possible if you set your mind to it. True that’s the case on a daily basis, you can try new things and everything. But a new year is like a new notebook. No matter how much you’ve abused your old ones or how messy they are, when you get a new notebook, you vow to be neater and make sure it stays new. A new year would be nice, it puts things in perspective.
See the world. Don’t just look, see with your eyes, mind and heart.~A.A.Jaspal