Tag Archives: thoughts

Now or Never

Maybe I am a bit of an emotional wreck
I think with my heart first and last
Writing helping calm this anguished soul
Unable to escape the present and past

It’s all one and the same
These illusions of time never fooled I
But how do I convey the essence of now
To one who remains distant though I fail to fathom why

We’re getting too accustomed to being hurt by one another
Learning to live without
Learning to expect little
Learning to doubt

Have the years taught us nothing?
Are we really still running these same old dreary loops?
Time and time again
While our youth and love droops

I feel as though I have been impeccably clear
Though you have always evaded with a jeer
The ball’s in your court
I await your verdict with a tear

The clock is ticking
Now or never
And here we stand
As confused as ever

Your piece

Walking on the path back home
Recounting the day gone by,
Dwelling over your own special bits
While kicking stones with a sigh
You look up, taking in your street
Not as a person who belongs,
But as a person passing by
Appreciating  its uniqueness
Seeing it through a strangers eye
Your soul was chosen to live on this road
This was your own little story
The corner that was your piece of the sky
Everyone had their own fragment
Painting their world with a different dye
That is not to say
That those with the same piece
Would be sure to see eye to eye
For you see we each have our own past
Not just a facet of places
But a million things gone awry
An amalgam of emotions and history
That morph even the same places
To our own special piece of the sky

It’s not so easy to understand

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

How can I explain all I feel?
As though words can do a shadow of justice to this turmoil inside

It almost feels like a betrayal
Quantifying this overwhelming love I recognize

I know we don’t talk much
I don’t quite understand it myself but I can’t shake away this knowledge

Yes, I saw you
Though we were two blurs in the crowd, I saw each and every one of you

I’ve spent too much time worrying about you
Thinking of you as my own and now as I look back, it’s hard for me to stop

We may never have even talked
But your pain was and is my pain, and your happiness was and is my happiness

You are a part of me
Wherever our paths may take us, you always will be

Even now I’m blank
And these words I’ve managed to get out don’t do you much credit

I may have been merely a means
How sad am I to have let you all in my heart

Where you wreak havoc
Because I expect too much from people who don’t realize I have feelings too

The depth to which I care
Astounds and saddens me, fills me with love and joy, all at the same time

You weren’t just a duty
To me we were all akin to family

I wonder though
Whether I was merely a means. Whether you’ll miss me, as I will you

How pathetic am I?
I probably need therapy

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

Dwelling

Fact is, the more you dwell the more insurmountable it seems.
I’ve been kind of obsessing again lately. All the things I wish were different, the whole ‘if only’ streak. It’s hard letting go of something you thought was the truth all those years. You wonder and you wonder of ways in which you could be wrong now just to justify your past delusion; but you have to accept it and work from that.

My coping mechanism for a terrible world is sleep. To just lay in bed, curl up with a layer of blanket hugging me and just drift off. So that’s been me the past couple of days. I caught myself mid process just now, realizing what I was doing and thought I’d write about it. Come up with a motivating solution. It could help.

Pity parties just come naturally to me. One thing gone wrong and I spiral into a vast ocean of all things to go wrong ever and how life sucks, and I do too kind of. Not everything is the end of the world. I should know that as well as all those unfortunate people out there who have the same tendency.

One great example is how I got a tad depressed over my siblings and cousins going out to a new eatery while I was out of town. It sounds like a small thing but my mind blew it wayy out of proportion and I was hugely down for a couple of hours. Turns out (I found out a few days later) that they never even went, they simply walked in, sat down and walked out. So I basically obsessed over nothing and ruined part of a pretty good day.

So what shall I do now? The problem at hand isn’t exactly small by any measure, objectively or especially subjectively. And what really has me pensive is wondering if I should be doing something. But I can’t think of anything. I’m at a stalemate and what I really want to do is leave it to destiny.

It sounds weak but I think sometimes it’s okay. When you can’t think of any plausible solution, when you’ve been deluded for years, and when you have indeed tried your best. Destiny is destiny, you work hard but at the end of the day whether you work or not, you get what you get. Try as hard as you can and leave the rest to God.

You can’t ever predict your life. Some things are up to fate. Try not to life pass you by while you obsess because that will happen, and it will happen without you even realizing it. Plus self pity gives you an excuse to go easy on yourself. ‘It’s okay if you didn’t give your porject 100%, shit was happening’ or ‘So what you weren’t there for your friend, you were going through your own hell’. *sigh* I’ve been guilty of both and a lot more the past year.

It’s easy to let yourself off. But time doesn’t come back. It’s not fair to you, or those around you. You’ll regret wasting so much energy on something you couldn’t have done anything about. All the mental tension and strain, how it influenced your life, will all have been for naught. Live your life and give things your 100%; no excuses. Leave to fate things you can not control. Breathe. It will be fine.

Breathe. Focus on the present.

Communication

Maybe tis as they say

Thee soul yearns for angst

Yet ache it does

Ache it does

 

To discourse casually through this pain

Thee heart is weak

Yet thou is needed

Thou is loved

 

Thy name is enough to set thee aflutter

Not a fan of confrontation

Yet what does thou know?

What does thou think?

 

Drowning in the regrets and what ifs

Thee wounds run deep

Yet is it too late?

Can we clean the slate?

Musings Part 7

Been ages since I wrote anything…. been contemplating to start for a week before I actually made it back here.
It’s just that my Facebook is getting crowded, Twitter too a bit.

Well my insecurities are growing alarmingly fast. I hate how I don’t feel like talking most of the time, but I want to be heard and matter at the same time. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t want to be an attention freak…I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just want to matter, my opinion to matter. Worst part is, I don’t think it matters myself how can other people?
And as if I didn’t have enough insecurities all these thoughts make me hate myself even more. *sigh*

I just want to go to a new place and start over. Or I just want to go to a jungle, desert, mountain, lake anywhere and just get lost in nature and see who I actually am. I feel like myself only when I’m alone or think I’m alone, the former being when I’m alone somewhere and the latter when I’m someplace new and no one knows me and I can say and do as I please.
Maybe I’m just a born loner.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this here…it’s public…but I want to. A bit.

I wonder how people can be so carefree… be quick at making decisions and be sure of themselves.

Musings Part 6

I need my swag back. Don’t judge the word. It fits right now.

My college is making me so much more self conscious than I already was. It gets harder and harder every day. I need my friends! I need love! This could also be no ones fault but my own head evolving for the worse. All my insecurities growing on their own, but that’s far fetched. Something has to be feeding it right? What to do, what to do.

It actually hit me strongly right now. Seeing my sister and a few other kids I know, posting things so carefree like. You know when I post a Facebook status or an instagram picture I feel so sick afterwards for like a day or more. Wondering how people are judging me as self obsessed or proud. The reason I do it is because I’m like it’s my wall, I want to. I swallow the negativity as much as I can but I can’t deny it’s not there. I just figure I should take it, I can’t post nothing because I regret that months later when my forgetful brain wants to see the past.

This blog is getting way personal. I’m disowning it 😛 whoever knows, knows but no one else. In time the ones who know shall forget. Yes I do get that I could stop writing. I should. I really should. But…nope no reason. Maybe I want to show the world my dark side. What am I doing? ……….no idea. I’m so messed up. Or maybe I just want to be messed up. It’s the mainstream thing these days. It annoys me. Everyone being depressed and what not… we need to chill.

I’m adding negativity to the net. Dammit. Why do we judge so much. Why can’t we stop thinking about what people are thinking! This is so twisted.

I need to get my swag back. Just don’t care. That’s not not caring about people’s feelings. Just forget what they’re thinking. That’s their business. I know that already. We all do. Acting on it is hard.

Don’t go with the flow

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Don’t let the wind dictate your life. Be strong; find your roots.

I understand jokes. I understand playful teasing. I understand lines.

I love freedom; the notion that I can do what I want if the fancy strikes me. But no matter which way I think of it, I see boundaries of even that. The boundaries that make me human; a functional, analytical, empathetic, emotional being. Something that separates me from your average primate. The more you let yourself go the more animalistic you are. As I’m writing this I have this feeling I dreamt of something similar last night. Something about having control over yourself. I wish I could remember, I think I learned something.

Anyway, so many people I know go over these boundaries and don’t even think twice about them. They seem to think that they’re just being truthful, or that they’re being themselves…. I’m all for being yourself, but not if it’s hurting someone. We humans are so weak, so little can wreak so much havoc in our minds and if you think that’s not true then you’re in denial. You’re repressing it, and that repression makes you cold. You don’t see people’s feelings anymore because you’re denying yourself of your own too. Feeling, its not so bad my friend. It has its highs and lows, but it shows you what you want in life. It makes a day interesting, and you see people as people just like you rather than as a sea of enemies out to get you.

I do a lot of stuff that I want to. But the lines I have made are the ones that I hope make my parents happy. I try and keep within the moral code of religion. Then there are the ones that I have to protect people ( My siblings being the exception)(It’s just hard being nice to them)(I am trying though). You have no idea what someone is going through, you have no idea what might hurt them, you have no idea if all their laughter is fake and they’re just really brilliant actors. I’ve met so many people who fall in these categories that social conversations get confusing 😛 haha, nah it’s ok. You won’t be like that.

I don’t know. Basically what I’m trying to say is that, find your boundaries. Especially in this day and age where every other facebook post, tweet or anything is basically telling you to be yourself and not care what people think. I agree, but people are taking it to mean be as rude as you want without any regard for anyone else. Assess what you would or wouldn’t do and why. You’ll find your framework. It won’t restrict you, it’ll make things clearer for you and you won’t do as much things that you’ll regret. You’ll be happier with yourself and decisions will be easier to take and follow through.

It all comes down to, what’s important to you?

Confliction

What type of love tears you up inside?
Makes you want to abandon all you believe in
That too without even being asked?

What type of love makes you retreat into yourself?
Makes you struggle over thoughts and words
That too without any care or concern?

What type of love fills you with such desperation?
Makes you willing to love through your own hell
That too without any gratitude or acknowledgement?

What type of love leaves gaping holes in your heart?
Makes you yearn for mere words, true or not
That too without compassion or even a thought?

I’ll tell you
The wrong kind

Reality and it’s loopholes

Is it so bad to live in a fantasy world? What even is reality? What if you just took some facts from the ‘real’ world and molded them into you’re fantasy? Plausible deniability.

Ok wait what even is reality? I mean we hardly ever have all the hard facts anyway. We have a few and we deduce the rest. Is it reality when you’re deductions are cynical and a fantasy when you dream for beautiful things. Other people will say so. They’ll say you’re lining yourself up for disappointment, sure that may be possible, but what you think will happen isn’t going to affect what will happen. So at least the moment till the truth hits is magical. Whereas for the realists it’s bleak. The end will be the same. (Though Noetic Science suggests our thoughts affect the outcome, just saying) What if the end was great? You didn’t waste your time and mood in worry. If it didn’t work out, well for a moment you thought it would, you had hope. Worry cripples you, hope paints a picture that adds a skip to your step. Life’s too short to spend all that time worrying and anticipating the worst.

I’ve been depressed for so long I got sick of it. I choose my fantasy. The world where I will travel across the globe. The world where I can start an orphanage and school. The world where I can be a book author. The world where the little things don’t bug me so much. The world where I can make a difference. The world where adventures are real not just in books. The world where anything is possible.

I’m a very nostalgic person. Someone who looks back and wishes she had more time. Sometimes impatient with the present while comparing it to the past. But as I mentioned in a previous post I found a little idea on how not to let it bother me so much. It goes along the lines of,’ at least it happened’. You know, at least I have those memories to cherish, what if I never had them? I wouldn’t trade them. You can draw strength from the good times to get through the bad.

Isn’t it amazing how you had such a good time in the past you can’t stand the present? It’s a credit to your past. And come on, you can’t have it good all the way through life. Through the present, let the past power the light in your eyes and the brightness of your smile.

Spread the love. Keep yourself happy. Brighten up other people’s world with your optimism too. Happiness is a state of mind you make for yourself. If you want to be sad you’ll find a thousand reasons, if you want to be happy you’ll find a thousand reasons. Depends what you’re looking for.
Reality usually has loopholes.

Empowerment

Heart aching ever so slightly
Pangs that came before,and now and then
Too painful to take lightly
Too inconsequential to take out a pen

What is has always been
Futile thoughts swimming, before,now and then
Too imposing to be left unseen
Too daunting to face therein

They said I was smart
Practicality never seemed more far-fetched
Too subjective to let emotions part
Too strung to dream of getting unlatched

Fact of the matter is I like it
I am my choices, I am my hopes
Too dreamy to leave it
Too caught up to mope

Heart enlightened with discovery
An independent soul in it’s own world
Too joyous at it’s own inventory
Too happy the idea got sold

Honey it’s GOLD. 😀

 

Magic

Shall we?

And our eyes danced.

I’m a Saint, it’s probably your fault

How truthful are we to ourselves?

We’re our greatest lawyers….. piling excuses upon excuses. Hiding the facts, from ourselves and the world. We just deny it. Feign surprise if it’s pointed out. Some part of us agrees we’re too aggressive, too bossy but if someone says it we ask other people their opinion. Latching onto the polite soul who gives us the excuse or denial we need. Some part of us wonders but we take comfort in that one shred of an alibi, hushing our doubt for a later time. For the next time.

I’m not saying bossy is a bad thing. It’s not entirely good either. I’m bossy. I know it. I get tense about getting things done on time, the right way, and I wield that desperation into telling people what to do. I wouldn’t need to if they had brains and weren’t complete idiots. Joking 😛 But yeah, it’s the sense of responsibility that spurs the bossiness. I accept that I should tone it down, it’s okay to dawdle in between. Though I don’t enjoy it, I know people do…..

The point is, you should own your flaws and consider what people have to say about them. Consider them, you don’t have to agree, just think about it. It could make life easier for you if people didn’t think you were arrogant and unreasonable. (I’m arrogant too by the way, possibly unreasonable at times)

Though I wonder. What if you liked being arrogant and unreasonable? Hmmm that’s a toughy. It’s hard to encourage that xD

Lol okay okay….ummm. Fine man, be arrogant and unreasonable. Own it. See how that works out for you. Just think though, if you’re smart you should actually accept the fact that you’re human, hence open to mistakes. Arrogance and unreasonability aren’t strong suits, they’re your weakness. Know it. At least that’s what I think….

At the end of the day. Your good and bad is you. Revel in it. Accept it. If you accept who you are, you can control who you are. Otherwise you’re lost. With no particular direction or evolution. If you don’t know who you are, you’re just a product of the things happening to you. Okay, yes everyone is a product of things happening to them but the thing is how we act in those situations is who we are, if you’re not aware of who you are, your actions are almost animalistic. A simple product of society, like a leaf being blown by the wind. With no idea where its going and why. Your acceptance of who you are, warts and all, is your anchor. The key to achieving your goals.

Take responsibility for your actions and their consequences.

Find your anchor.  🙂

Bring it on

A setback is nothing
With the wind on your face
With the smell of rain

Disappointment short-lived
With your eyes to the sky
With your heart alight

Tears brushed away
With a hysterical laugh
With a unbodied mind

Life less daunting
With thoughts of some things
With thoughts of everything

Why brood?
With a soul full of love
With a soul ready

Bring it on

The shackles of integration

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To be free like the wind and clouds ❤

It’s hard to explain. How the more integrated I get, the more I just want to stay at home. Every day, I make myself go because I have work to do. Sometimes I want people to talk to me, at others I just want to be alone. I don’t understand what to say, it feels awkward and I get easily overwhelmed. In contrast, I want to do things. I want people to value my opinion. It makes no sense.

I dislike being watched. That may be it. I love the freedom you have when no one’s observing you, like when you’re new to a place and no one looks twice or has any expectations. It’s so utterly freeing, like you can do anything. The more you get accustomed to a place, the more familiar it becomes, the more you get molded into a particular character and role, and the harder it is to break free. That exasperates me, it dims the thrill of a new day. It’s frustrating.

Right now, I want to skip college for a few days, until people kind of forget me and then I can go back and get some semblance of invisibility. But then now I’m ‘Girls Representative’ (the equivalent of prefect) and I have to be responsible. I understand that. I will be responsible and do what I should, but………. I get confused on what to say to people sometimes. I get uncomfortable and totally useless. That’s my problem though, and I’ll handle it. Right now that means talking excessively and over-compensating.

Well I don’t want to waste your time with just this rant, let’s be productive. Ummmm…. well if it does become too much I think I am entitled to a few days off. So that’s OK. And getting uncomfortable around people, let’s be serious, everyone feels that way…. I should just…. bear it? No man, that’s belittling it, that aint right. Let’s work on that. Try different things out…… Oh God this last paragraph is stupid.

Half of me

As the alarm blared from the bedside she mulled over the thought of going to college. She had International Relations and Economics today, her attendance was low and she couldn’t afford to take a day off if she had the option.

Lying in bed she looked up at the ceiling and sighed. It had been 6 months since she started going to B.Sc classes at Government College University but she still hated it. Stuck in the past, every day dragged by unless she immersed herself with events and work. And so she did. She joined all the societies she was presented with and got involved in everything she could. They kept her occupied with less time to sit and brood. But she felt lost. She couldn’t stop, but she wondered why she’d joined in the first place. She didn’t want to stop but she wondered when she’d get to her actual dreams. Every day they seemed more and more fictitious, more and more distant.

She socialized yes, but it felt like going through the motions. For the life of her she couldn’t understand why she felt so detached. Less than a shadow of herself. When did smiles become forced and painful? When did crowds become so lonely?

Rubbing her eyes, though she wasn’t tired, she trudged downstairs; too lazy to change. The person staring back at her through mirrors was hardly recognizable, her mouth literally drooped and sometimes she liked it that way. Other times she would practice smiling to herself because of how alien it was getting.

She didn’t understand what she wanted, she knew she couldn’t get her friends back, they were all far away and though they still talked, she needed them with her. She wanted them every day. But the fact was she couldn’t. So why the sadness? She should move on, she had accepted their distance, but she still craved their presence. It was pathetic. Was this about them or was it something else?

Fact was, she was stuck, stuck at the University for 5 years. She was ready to go into the world and work. To go on adventures and see the real world. But this was just the same old routine she’d gone through in college. Things were supposed to be different now. Not in another 5 years, now. Would things ever change? They had to change; if they didn’t she didn’t know what she would do. She already fantasized about just leaving everything and trying her luck. Heck even kidnap.10313742_738551186194935_728610703389332387_n

Sitting on the sofa, waiting for the bus to come she played videos of ‘nigahiga‘ on her phone to try and cheer herself up. To wake up just a little……….

Thoughts amuck

Is it enough?
Is it too much?
To ask how you are
To remember the dates
Is it too intense?
Am I coming off strong?
Part of me wants to hold back
Part of me pushes on
Am I taken for granted?
Do you really care?
I feign nonchalance
My insides squirming
Are you upset?
Are you OK?
Worry eats at me
The act doesn’t last long
How are you?
Am I annoying?
I can’t let go
I can’t loosen the reigns
What are you going through?
Can I help?
I cling to our memories
Drawing strength from their strength
Is it enough?
Is it too much?
Emotions haywire
Thoughts running amuck
I’m sorry I can’t be more cool
I’m sorry I’m such a fool

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