Tag Archives: thoughts

Thoughts amuck

Is it enough?
Is it too much?
To ask how you are
To remember the dates
Is it too intense?
Am I coming off strong?
Part of me wants to hold back
Part of me pushes on
Am I taken for granted?
Do you really care?
I feign nonchalance
My insides squirming
Are you upset?
Are you OK?
Worry eats at me
The act doesn’t last long
How are you?
Am I annoying?
I can’t let go
I can’t loosen the reigns
What are you going through?
Can I help?
I cling to our memories
Drawing strength from their strength
Is it enough?
Is it too much?
Emotions haywire
Thoughts running amuck
I’m sorry I can’t be more cool
I’m sorry I’m such a fool

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Walking, overthought

We all walk differently. The walking part is the same but we customize it with our own style. That style can be good or bad. Not that I mind whether a person walks with a slight shuffle or an uneasy awkwardness. I do that, it’s comfortable.

What inspired this post?
I was walking to class today and the guy in front me was walking so well! I know that sounds weird but man you should have seen him! It was so effortless, no hint of self consciousness at all! I can’t even call it walking, it was a proper strut. I found it hilarious. I mean I walk all slouched like, constantly reminding myself to stand up straighter and here he was practically gliding. I mean I thought grace was only in books. A fictional verb that couldn’t be applied to the real world. The sheer contrast of our gaits was comical. I was amused the whole lesson through. Still gives me a good laugh just remembering it.

We all walk differently and it depends upon what’s going through your head. My favourite is the one where you’re lost in thought and don’t consciously put one foot in front of the other…….doesn’t happen often. There’s the walk of shame, the walk of awkwardness, the walk of no-I’m-not-a-loner-I’m-independent etc. So this guy’s walk is classified as; I’m-proud-of-myself-I’m-awesome. Maybe I could walk like that someday if I didn’t think too much. Oh what a curse it is to overthink. It makes everything go wrong.

Ever noticed how people walk? It’s amusing. Just watch and judge and comment (in your head)……. keep yourselves amused…..no I mean, IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE!
As a self proclaimed scientist, I observe, take readings and draw hypotheses. Totally justified.

Musings Part 6

So today I went to a diabetes conference in a nearby hotel. It was ok, though the speakers were terrible. They literally just made a slideshow presentation and read off of it. All I could think of, and it was seriously hard to stop myself from going on stage and teaching them how to talk to an audience, was that I could read off those slides and do it better. They were getting shields for absolutely nothing. I could copy paste bullet points about diabetes from the internet and drone better than them. It was aggravating. Between speeches the host had to keep coming on stage to remind us how wonderful the previous speaker was and how his monotonous, long presentation was so brief, kudos to him and could everyone please give him a round of applause. That host needed a good talking to.

Anyway back to the topic, so I was coming back from the tea that had just been served after the first two sessions. Walking through the hall, I noticed a guy, a big guy, turn around and look at me. The way he looked, it seemed like he recognized me from somewhere though I was absolutely clueless about him. He turned back around and walked on and I disregarded it. But the weird thing was that when I sat down I thought I could feel him looking at me.

Haha, the things that went through my head. I’m not joking when I say I still think my theories are possible…… my first thought was he’s an assassin sent to kill me. I know a few people who aren’t very happy with me right now, and they have ways. o.o
Then I thought no, maybe he’s from the future and he’s here to thank me for something I did, he could be here to protect from a potential threat too, arrogant I know, but my thoughts aren’t that censored. That one is the most likely of the theories, my dreams are so coming true; yay. Anyway another one was that I was imagining it and it was all in my head. That’s stupid though, people have senses for a reason, plus pssshhhh being self conscious doesn’t make you imagine things, that’s far fetched. It’s not even a theory, just a passing thought. Moving on……my last theory was that the guy was a gangster from the future sent to kill me because……well I don’t know why. I mean I’m pretty damn great.

All in all, I didn’t really think I’d make it home today. I was going to be abducted and tortured to death. What a thrilling end.

But I’m still here, in front of my laptop. Boring much?…..yep.

P.S…….this is a very lame post…..I don’t know why I’m publishing it…..

Embrace your past

20140406_232729I have a pretty bleak outlook on life sometimes. You might know it; it’s the one where you don’t really see the point in anything because you’re just like ‘ we’re all going to die anyway’. Or you can’t enjoy anything because it’s all so predictable. There’s the other outlook as well, where all you can think of is what might have been, how much you miss your friends, the old carefree times, how you’re not where you wanted to be in life, doubting your dreams etc.

Yeap, I go down that lane often. Too often. But today I had a thought. I miss my granddad, I miss my friends, but what if I’d never had those moments with them? The memories I cling to and cherish? Where would I be without them? WHO would I be without them? Looking back on those moments I shouldn’t fall on my knees in misery, I shouldn’t hug pillows to my chest and try to cover the gaping hole in my heart. I should remember and be grateful that fate had smiled on me so warmly. That I had had such a great granddad, that I had been so fortunate as to have had such awesome friends.

Looking back, take a deep breath and feel the euphoria. All those memories, all those people, they are with you. No one can take those times away from you. When you think that life is predictable, wake up and smell the sweet summer air because life is anything but predictable. That’s the beauty of it. No matter how sure you are, you’re wrong.

Yes, yes we’re all going to die, but does that mean we can’t have some fun before we go? That we can’t enjoy these things called emotions, that if allowed, can wreak havoc on our minds in the most beautiful of ways? Don’t buffer the love inside you, let other people feel it too. Don’t let the hate and jealousy fester inside of you, reason with it. It’s one thing to be realistic, it’s another to know the cold hard facts, and to play with them.

Be grateful for what you had, never lose hope that there won’t be more. If the current circumstances aren’t working for you, it’s OK to indulge in your memories of better times, it’s not living in the past, it’s finding a way to get through the present.

Just Us

20140313_183615Time’s gone by
We never saw it passing
Each second with you guys
Taken for granted
Now with this gaping hole between us
My heart drops as the days pass on
Yearning for your company
For our souls to meet again
To think, there was a time
When you were all there
At the same place
At the same time
I won’t lie, I’ve fantasized about crimes
The world has me desperate
Fate has me frustrated
Tears brim behind my eyes
Your love gives me strength
Crumbling me at the same time
I’ll fight days, weeks, years
With the hope that we
We shall meet once again
All of us, at the same place
At the same time

Social Expectations

I lack speaking skills. I don’t know what to do in informal situations. Sure in a debate I can survive but when it comes to complete randomness I’m at a loss for words(I’m not that great at debating either). The conversation seems utterly pointless to me and all I can think is, ‘so what?’ or ‘what’s the point of even talking about this?’ and what not. Then people think I’m quiet, so I talk. I say complete crap and it’s such a strain that when I’m free from the group I feel like I need a time out.

That’s where the beauty of friendship lies though. The fact that even complete crap feels relevant. That silence is comfortable. That just being with them is relaxing and you’re left wondering why you tried so hard with people you didn’t need. All you needed was them.

When I’m with people I usually force myself to say things, not all the time, just mostly. Why though? I shouldn’t talk just to make the awkwardness go away or because I feel that’s what is socially required. I should be comfortable in silence. Which I am not. Which I shall work on, spouting nonsense is pretty tiring. That’s why I respect quiet people a little, they don’t feel obligated to be in the conversation. They observe from the sidelines with cool indifference and only talk when the fancy strikes them. That is something I aspire to do. To speak when I want to.

Hypothetically, what if I never want to? Well logically even then it’s fine. Who is society to tell me when to talk?

Is justice wrong?

Why oh why is it so hard for people to believe that someone does something for someone else simply out of the goodness of their heart? Ulterior motives, seriously? Is that why you do everything? Just goes to show how self serving you are. The problem though is the fact that since a majority of the population is self serving they all think along the same track. Hence you’re misunderstood, but they don’t know that. They think they have you pinned.

These people seriously need a vacuum for their thoughts; suck them all into a dirty grimy tube where they belong and hope their head stays clean. Ok the last part was a little extreme, but I wanted to use a description, a dramatic description.

You probably already know this, but people are pretty willing to discard logic and empathy during an argument, the time when you need them the most. They’ll call you names, suspect your motives and stick to their stance stubbornly because now pride’s in the way as well. If they lose the argument that means their ego will get affected. It doesn’t matter to them how what they’re doing is affecting someone else, or that they’re being unjust. No, they must win, at any cost.

You cannot win an argument where logic has been sidelined. What will the premises be? What are the boundaries? It’s so frustrating. I feel like making them sit down and say look, this person here, yeah they have feelings too, as well as rights, don’t overstep them so that person who you want to win gets an unfair advantage. I am not against the said person, I’m just saying, let the proceedings be fair. Let all the candidates be on equal ground. Is it such an abominable thought?

We need to stop letting friendships cloud our judgement. I am sick of people getting opportunities just because they know the right people. Where’s the justice? If you’re the one giving someone an opportunity or award simply because you like them or know them, you are answerable. You are answerable to everyone you stole it from. The problem is that we don’t care about that, unless we’re the one’s being cheated. We need to take responsibility and make other people take it too. Nepotism needs to end. Yes we’re your friend, we love you, but what’s wrong is wrong. I hate people who are prejudiced, who can’t make unbiased decisions or look at both sides of an argument. Instead of fighting, we should put our egos to the side and discuss things with our heads, make compromises and promote people based on their abilities, not connections. Try to hurt as less people as possible, reason with them, make them happy. Yes, you can’t please everyone but is it insane to try? Is it ridiculous to be reasonable? Is justice wrong?

Thoughts suffocate thy

I always do this shit. I pin expectations on people, get self conscious around them, and all for nothing. This has got to end. I’m too old for this shit. Focus. Focus.

I need to stop these fantasies here and now. They’re so utterly pointless. They just make you feel like an idiot. But what can I do if I have an overactive imagination. Imagination and thoughts are so beautiful, but they’re distracting. What to do, what to do. Maybe if I didn’t let people get to me. Easier said than done. You know, I’m most comfortable around strangers. The more I get to know people, the quieter I become. MAJOR problem. What am I doing? Shit I’m talking to myself again. Dammit.

I walk into the university campus and wander around the corridors, openly staring down all the people who have the misfortune to pass by me on this fine cloudy day. I was Arya Chaching, I was an author, I had a blog, I could do what I wanted without having to worry about what people thought about me. Besides I only stare for sociological reasons…… and well because I’m a writer, I need to observe. I can’t help laughing at the thought. Bahaane.

I’m late for class again. I don’t care. I will take my own sweet time because not only have I got no one to impress, but the weather’s so beautiful. I’d rather be out here than in a stuffy room which has barely enough oxygen for a dozen people let alone the hundred or so that squeeze in. I trudge towards class, it’s going to be ok, everything’s going to be fine. To my right a hawk swoops down and grabs a twig from the lawn. I stop and stare, awed. It’s so huge, it’s so cool. It glides away with it’s spoils and I watch it shrinking in the distance.

Refreshed I continue my journey and sing to myself. Today is a good day.

I walk in class, everyone turns around and stares. Cheeks aflame I sit down on the nearest seat I can find. Shit. Back to notch one.

What’s the worst that could happen

You know compliments are kind of weird. You can’t say that people don’t give them because lots of people do, and you can’t say people do give them because lots of jealous people don’t. But you should! And you know what? You should give them even more when you’re a stranger to the person. Like if you’re walking by someone and you see a drawing or something, and you genuinely like it, stop by and say it. First of all, why not? What’s the person gonna do to you anyway? Second of all, a stranger’s compliment is a pretty great thing. I mean your friends won’t ever tell you the truth, well even if they are telling  you the truth you don’t really believe them, but a stranger is reliable. I mean you’re totally objective. You could have walked by without saying anything if you didn’t like it, but the fact that you actually liked something enough to say it makes it a worthy opinion. The main reason you SHOULD compliment the person being that it’ll make them happy. And we should spread that as much as we can.
In contrast, if you hate the drawing or whatever, the drawing being an analogy, just shut up and walk on. You don’t know the whole story, you’re not entitled to judge anyone. Heck even if we discuss the drawing literally, who are you to say art is bad. Art is too subjective for anyone’s opinion to be valid.
Basically compliment people as much as you can. Genuinely of course…….though  there are grey areas. I mean when you have the power to make someone happy, to encourage them, to boost their confidence, why won’t you use it?

Onwards I say

Time passes, slow, slower, fast
What do we search for in our past
Staring backwards at what was
With rose tinted eyes abuzz
Yearning for what can never be
Barely looking past what we see
Oh if only this, if only that
Get past it already you old bat
The future is ours for the taking
But it’s so much easier to be complaining
How about taking stuff in strides
Rather than getting washed in the tide
Oh time our fickle foe
Damn do you annoy us so
Forget the bags, ditch the packing
Grab your will and let’s go backpacking

Teachers matter

Teachers are people who we directly or indirectly look to for guidance. Even the most laid back student who hardly pays attention in class is affected by what a teacher says to them. But for some reason I don’t think teachers know this, or if they do and they still choose to act rudely, well they don’t deserve to be in the profession. Yes you’re allowed to get angry, yes you are human, but is it so hard to apologize? Or is it so hard to use a softer tone.

I went to talk to my biochemistry sir after class to ask a few questions because I love asking questions, even stupid ones. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt anything otherwise. But whatever, so I went and waited outside his office before he let me in. Then as soon as I walked in he started yelling at me for trying to bunk the next class. He didn’t even listen to the questions, he just told me to go to class and to not be so rude. It’s a new university and I don’t exactly have friends so I just felt so bad.

My friend told me about a teacher of hers who demeans her all the time too. It made her hate the subject. That’s how seriously a teacher can affect a kid’s future. They play with our lives with their moods and they don’t even know it. A teacher has the power to make a person, to break a person. And with great power comes great responsibility.

So many teachers get annoyed at questions. They just want you to sit there and nod, then they pretend to care and ask if anyone has questions when in fact they’re not really interested, save a few. First of all they should encourage questions, we have robots to learn stuff without reason, and second if you really don’t want us to as questions, don’t even dangle the option in front of us and then yell at us for our stupidity afterwards.

I hope a teacher reads this and actually realizes that students do care, though we pretend to laugh it off.

Musings Part 5

I am so annoyed right now. I am such a pushover. I used to think it’s because I joke around that people don’t take me seriously but now I think it’s also because I’m way too flexible. Is it my fault that I like to accommodate other peoples ideas and thoughts into a decision? Or that I’m not THAT stubborn.

People only take me seriously in the beginning when they think I’m someone who has an opinion. But over time I get sidelined because I don’t yell as much as other people? I don’t get it. That’s the problem. I mean if I understood the root cause of why people everywhere sideline me I would be able to fix it. But if I don’t know why I can’t do anything. On top of it all I can’t be objective. I’m obviously biased and so my theories are subjective. And to top it, no one will ever tell me why because they’ll start off by saying I don’t get sidelined, then blah blah I’m this blah blah I’m that. No straight answer. I’m frustrated.

Plus I used to think maybe it’s just people I used to know but even new people have started adopting this sideline-sleepy programme. If it’s because I’m too pliable, well I don’t know, I just don’t see the logic in continuing to stand by your stance when you realize you’re wrong or that someone else’s idea is better. It could be my readiness to accept I’m wrong and that other people’s ideas are better too. But then that comes under pride; to assume all I say is the best. See what I mean by confusing.

This shall be improved upon. Maybe if I didn’t care if people heard me they would hear me. People are twisted that way.

The art of Friendship

Maybe I go about friendship wrong. We all have our own ways to make friends. My ways had worked for me so far, but PMC has me stumped. Not that I’m complaining, I’m still not sure whether I mind it or not, after all I already have awesome friends, they just don’t go to the same university.

Ok so my belief or method is that I think it should be natural, gradual and strengthen over time. I’m quick to call people my friends, I rarely put people in the acquaintance list and if you’re there, I don’t really like you much. But there’s a difference between a friend, and A FRIEND. A close friend. Those people can’t be forced, or rushed. Plus I don’t like imposing myself so I don’t force someone to walk for me or wait for me but what I’ve noticed is that other people do do that. It makes me wonder if that strengthens friendship and if that is indeed the way to go. My best friend, Nafisa, used to do that i.e make me and my other friends walk everywhere together. The very thought of us separating even to go do some work seemed scandalous to her. She would make a super dramatic expression of outrage and drag you the other way. I miss that a little, though I hated it times then. It was so annoying; I mean you need space to breathe sometimes. But it was sweet in a way, NOW that I think about it.

I’m actually pretty new at this. Haha go figure, I’ve been in the same school for a little over seven years with my close friends for five. Hmmm, so it took two years for me to get close to people then. xD Perhaps I’m just impatient now. Oh well. But I still can’t impose. I wonder how people do it straight up. Maybe I should just a little. Today I was walking the streets in the university when I saw a person who had a mutual friend with me, walking with a new kid who came today. They’d been inseparable since second period and it was the end of the day. Seeing them is what inspired this article. I mean I don’t do that, maybe I should, I just observe people and admire their qualities but don’t go up to them abruptly. I think I did before, when Nafisa joined my old school I appointed myself as her guide and hung out with her……… hmmmmmm. I’ll give it time, I’ve only been going a month.

 

My posts

So I just want to clarify, I’m not smart. I’m not deep, I’m not perfect. When I talk about things on this blog of mine I’m trying to tell myself what to do, what not to do and how to look at things. I publish them because I just want to help someone if they’re confused and to discuss a difference of opinion if someone thinks what I said was wrong.

Hit the adrenaline

You know that moment before you go on stage, in front of a crowd of strangers, and your stomach churns your insides, gnawing at you and making you feel like you have heart burn? Have you ever wondered why? Is it because you think your going to trip in your heels? That you’ll be speechless and people will laugh?

I had to give a speech tonight. It was my graduation, and well I didn’t HAVE to give it, but I wanted to. Even though the very thought gave me mini panic attacks and nausea. I’m actually not THAT shy of crowds, especially a crowd of strangers, I mean what are they going to do? Laugh? Laugh all they want I’ll never see them again. But my parents make me nervous. It’s probably my inherent need to please them that makes me want to be good, and I’m not good hence the panic. But well I wanted to give the speech because it was my graduation, I wanted the experience and the adrenaline. I’ve been cooped up at home for ages, which might explain why people now make me nervous. Even so I gave the speech. *rolls eyes* I only realized afterwards how utterly arrogant it was but alas nothing can be done now except to improve my future speeches. Anyway it went OK. I faltered a bit on the second paragraph but I got back into the flow a little towards the middle.

My best friend Shafia Elahi has a brother Abdul Rehman who has this awesome motto ‘If your afraid of it, do it’. Beautiful right. I don’t know if it’s original but whatever the case it’s a pretty cool motto. It would make life fun right? Full of a kind of thrill. Keeping morals in check that is. You could accomplish so much if every time you got scared, instead of hitting the deck you embraced the fear head on. Easier said than done, but it’s worth a shot. Seriously though, we give other people too much credit, everyone gets nervous,its not the end of the world. Anyone can look confident but be weak inside, and its OK. Give people a break, as well as yourselves. We are not perfect, we are humans. Chill and next time your scared, hit the adrenaline.

What’s the point of heaven? >.<

I just had the most beautiful thought! The story behind it is kind of embarrassing but I’ll share it with you…….It’s not that long and you might not find it embarrassing but I do. I still do.
Since a couple of days I’ve been wondering what the point of heaven is……….see it’s embarrassing. Who wonders that? I felt scandalous of the thought but I couldn’t help thinking it. I’ve been stuck at home for a while now because of holidays and I can’t wait to go to university. So now you’re wondering how can someone not get it? It’s heaven. You get to do what you want…… Well that was the problem…..we get chances in this life to do what we want as well, and after a while it gets boring doesn’t it? You’ve always wanted to play a video game say ‘Naruto’ and you finally have the time. So you play, you play for hours, you play for days. But you get bored of it afterwards. I was wondering along the lines of, say you like to study, in heaven there’s no point of studying. Say you want to travel, there’s no where to go really. Say you like food…..how long exactly can you keep eating? I believe in Allah. I believe in hell and I believe in heaven. I just didn’t get it. The heaven part.
I felt stupid and I felt dumb. I felt like an idiot and a bad person. I still feel guilty. And I just had the sweetest beautifulest thought that just made me smile inside and out. It’s so utterly simple and so obvious.
If Allah can make this world, and we enjoy some of it to varying extents, can’t He make it for us if we wished it in heaven? Can’t He make it better? Can’t He make us, not bored? If we enjoy this, we’ll enjoy heaven even more. It’s not impossible. Allah has does it before and he can do whatever he wants. If we want our memories erased and to go on adventures, whatever, He can make it happen. Anything, ANYTHING beyond our wildest dreams. The answer is so simply elegant. ❤
I just wanted to share that…..though it was hard to write……

P.S if you know me, and you are reading this. Please, never, NEVER mention it to me. EVER. Please and thank you!

Resolve

It’s been days, I think I’ve forgotten
At the very least gone numb
Yet the dates I do watch
The days I do count

Sudden urges to talk, worrying endlessly
We’ve never been close
Yet the feelings do storm
The urges do come

Worry to frustration, bitter anger surfaces
You utter idiot, complete fool
Yet the facts do remain
The frustrations do come

I loathe you, but that is a feeling
Feelings you are not worth
Yet loathe you I do not
The feelings do come

Patience and faith, I did what I could
It’s your play now
Yet patient I am not
The faith does not come

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