Thoughts amuck
Is it enough?
Is it too much?
To ask how you are
To remember the dates
Is it too intense?
Am I coming off strong?
Part of me wants to hold back
Part of me pushes on
Am I taken for granted?
Do you really care?
I feign nonchalance
My insides squirming
Are you upset?
Are you OK?
Worry eats at me
The act doesn’t last long
How are you?
Am I annoying?
I can’t let go
I can’t loosen the reigns
What are you going through?
Can I help?
I cling to our memories
Drawing strength from their strength
Is it enough?
Is it too much?
Emotions haywire
Thoughts running amuck
I’m sorry I can’t be more cool
I’m sorry I’m such a fool
Just Us
Time’s gone by
We never saw it passing
Each second with you guys
Taken for granted
Now with this gaping hole between us
My heart drops as the days pass on
Yearning for your company
For our souls to meet again
To think, there was a time
When you were all there
At the same place
At the same time
I won’t lie, I’ve fantasized about crimes
The world has me desperate
Fate has me frustrated
Tears brim behind my eyes
Your love gives me strength
Crumbling me at the same time
I’ll fight days, weeks, years
With the hope that we
We shall meet once again
All of us, at the same place
At the same time
Onwards I say
Time passes, slow, slower, fast
What do we search for in our past
Staring backwards at what was
With rose tinted eyes abuzz
Yearning for what can never be
Barely looking past what we see
Oh if only this, if only that
Get past it already you old bat
The future is ours for the taking
But it’s so much easier to be complaining
How about taking stuff in strides
Rather than getting washed in the tide
Oh time our fickle foe
Damn do you annoy us so
Forget the bags, ditch the packing
Grab your will and let’s go backpacking
The distance between us
You gaze coolly at me from the distance
A slightly amused smirk plays on your lips as I run
The ground shakes, the ground splits
I hesitate but one look at you and I’m scrambling again
Across the debris, past the pitying faces
All the while you look, but you do not move
I trip, you do not flinch
Face apathetic, eyes cold
Why I run, I know not
Memories fuel my efforts, driving me
I refuse to believe you are lost
Images play before my eyes
Standing over me, eyes twinkiling with warmth
full of concern, full of love
The earth shakes, the distance is increasing
Tears spill over my cheeks as I realize I won’t make it
On my knees, I watch helpless
You’re drifting, drifting, drifting……..
Wander away…..
I sigh loudly as I watch the old woman, jogging past in her track suit. Her smile, her passion and her love for life usually make me all warm and fuzzy inside. Today, I feel nothing. If she can’t lift my mood, no one can. Hoisting my backpack on my shoulders I begin the twenty minute walk to my school, eyes down, mouth slack. The cracks in the concrete don’t entice me, I no longer care what magical world could possibly be lurking inside or what wild species of bugs might have mutated to survive such drab conditions. It does not matter.
My feet move mechanically. I know the path like I know my house, who cares about the back of my hand. The colours in the world aren’t as bright. Is it just me, or is life pointless? My thoughts are wandering. If I don’t control them, they could wreak havoc. I submit, they can do what they want, I feel masochistic as they slowly unfold. One after the other the pictures, the memories rise from behind the withering shield. My granddads smile, his warm hugs and his love……a flashback of me holding his hand, walking home from school. Another flashback, him favouring me over my brother….my eyes start to water. He’s taking me with him to Queens market now, we’re on a bus and he’s gazing out the window, he pats my back. My breathing gets heavier. He looks at me, with his big blue eyes, disoriented from the medication, so weak, so helpless, but still he pulls me closer and tells me he’s proud of me. I try breathing slowly and deeply……. It was a mistake to let it come out, I’m a few streets away from the school. I don’t want anyone to see me like this, I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I wipe away the tears that apparently spilt without my consent. There’s not point in crying, I should pray for him.
As I round the corner, my name being yelled out breaks me out of my reverie. I look up, confused as a shape hurtles towards me and yanks me into a choke hold. I gasp and register the familiar scent of lotion. I laugh and untangle myself from my best friend’s arms. I grin at the group of teens before me. With them, I can forget for the time being. All is right. I am safe.