Smile
They think I’m strong
I’m stubborn and independent
Maybe that’s what fooled them
I can do what needs to be done
Pushing forward, feelings aside
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt
I care too much
Get attached too easily
Disappointment and heartbreak 1-0-1
They think I can fight my battles
Like I said, I can do what needs to be done
Though that doesn’t mean I don’t need help
I’ve learnt to do everything myself
Self preservation more than anything else
Better not hope than cry all the time
Don’t be alarmed
Though yes, this is self pity
But like I said, I’ve grown used to it with time
They think I’m strong
I laugh and cry
Keeping up the act and dying inside
It’s not so easy to understand
If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand
But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand
How can I explain all I feel?
As though words can do a shadow of justice to this turmoil inside
It almost feels like a betrayal
Quantifying this overwhelming love I recognize
I know we don’t talk much
I don’t quite understand it myself but I can’t shake away this knowledge
Yes, I saw you
Though we were two blurs in the crowd, I saw each and every one of you
I’ve spent too much time worrying about you
Thinking of you as my own and now as I look back, it’s hard for me to stop
We may never have even talked
But your pain was and is my pain, and your happiness was and is my happiness
You are a part of me
Wherever our paths may take us, you always will be
Even now I’m blank
And these words I’ve managed to get out don’t do you much credit
I may have been merely a means
How sad am I to have let you all in my heart
Where you wreak havoc
Because I expect too much from people who don’t realize I have feelings too
The depth to which I care
Astounds and saddens me, fills me with love and joy, all at the same time
You weren’t just a duty
To me we were all akin to family
I wonder though
Whether I was merely a means. Whether you’ll miss me, as I will you
How pathetic am I?
I probably need therapy
If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand
But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand
Suicide
Not sure about everyone but I think most of us have considered it at some point or another…. I have. Once. A moment when I just wanted to sleep and never wake up because I didn’t really see a point in living…
There are often times when we question ourselves on our life. How it will turn out, our hopes, expectations, fears, long term goals and beliefs. We paint out scenarios in our heads of what we foresee it will be like and it is on the basis of these thoughts, whether they be bleak or bright, that we choose to keep going or give up. Other times we only try because of our beliefs, for example in my religion and I think Christianity as well, it’s a sin to take your own life, which is the reason I steer clear of that option, no matter how tempting. Then there’s the issue of all those we care about. Our family, our friends and everyone we know will be seriously be affected by such a rash step. It’s pretty selfish of us if you think about it. Taking away your life doesn’t affect just you, it affects everyone, in ways you can never foresee.
There’s another factor we tend to overlook when we ponder over life; the fact that it never turns out the way you expect. It happens all the time, we spend our days following a routine that we don’t ever see changing, but one day you could find yourself all the way across the world, planning on spending the rest of you life there (This actually kind of happened to me, my dad came home one day saying we’re going to Pakistan tommorow for two weeks. That was over six years ago and I haven’t been back to England since). Or you could be expecting a really dull day and while waiting for the bus to come, you might meet an old friend who hooks you up with a job ten times better than your previous one. The possibilities are endless, but the point is, you can never count your chickens till they’re hatched. You can’t ever say you know how your life will turn out, because only God knows that. We can only truthfully assess our life after we’re dead and have lived it till the end…Our life is made of the choices we make. They are what define us. Food for thought.
Thrill and Suspense
Yes I’m talking about matches between Pakistan and India. Cricket matches between these two countries aren’t actually cricket matches for us, citizens, rather they are a war. A friendly war if such a thing exists and a war in which our heart and soul both watch each and every ball with desperation in our hearts and prayers on our lips. I’ve heard accounts of people having heart attacks while watching the said matches…….I used find that weird but now I can empathize. I could have one too if I was older and fatter…
So moving on, today was a T20 match of these two rivals and a match we’d all been waiting for. Pakistan was on a winning streak had won its last 26 matches consecutively though we all knew that didn’t mean this match couldn’t go wrong. Our countries team had a knack of getting over confident and careless, I’m honestly surprised they have a winning streak greater than 5. Anyhow the first two overs were awesome! Pakistan made 25-1 and it was looking great! Even the one out didn’t matter and the cheering Indians were like siblings. It’s a weird kinship. After that though it went downhill and my heart was in my mouth. The Indians didn’t look so nice anymore and I was (I’m ashamed to admit) yelling at our batsmen to get a grip and do something worthwhile……..I’d like to think my words were what got them moving but it could just as easily have been my uncle praying and yelling beside me. Pakistan started batting like they meant it. That attitude however lasted around 3 overs before Shoaib Malik got out and we continued our spiral streak downhill. We made a rubbish score of 129 for ALL OUT -.- Talk about bistee (dissing)…..It was our worst score in the history of ICC and I thought to myself “What the heck? They had to make the lamest score ever in a match against India?!” But I guess they tried their best.
India’s performance was so good it was depressing. 😛 Every four (and there were a lot) had me and my family groaning and muttering in frustration. On every ball we’d all literally be chanting ‘Out, out, out,out……’ It only worked twice.
Don’t get me wrong I like Indians, they’re our fellow Asians, our brothers (cause we were once one country) and our neighbours but thrashing them in cricket is essential. Most people don’t even watch cricket unless its a match between Pakistan and India. Last year when it was Pakistan vs India in the semi finals my family and I bought Pakistani team uniforms with our names on as well as matching caps. I was literally tearing up when we lost. I know it sounds waaaayyyy to emotional and dramatic but its like United States against Russia and North Korea vs South Korea. It’s healthy competition and yeah we need sportsman spirit but that’s reserved for other countries 😛 haha joking joking. I admit India played good (or the match was rigged 😉 )
Can’t wait for the next match between India. Lol there was a particular moment in the match that had me laughing despite the tension of the situation. One of India’s fielders caught a ball that got a Pakistani out. When the guy caught the ball he turned around and said something to the crowd while wagging his finger. It was so hilarious xD Obviously the Pakistani fans were yelling at him to drop the ball. It’s a thing we both do. The Indian crowd yells at our fielders and we yell at their’s. Sounds extreme but kept within limits its just a playful teasing.Till the next time India! We’ll beat you yet!
Me,my weird thoughts and I 