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Have you ever had your home ripped from you?

Is it the same as when you move away?

Do you miss it less if you move to a better house?

Is it the trauma of how the house was taken or the magnitude of the memories?

Will it ever be the same?

I already know all houses will always be compared to the original

And they will always fall short

That’s not new

All other houses have fallen short since forever

No matter where I went, no house could compare

And coming home would feel like a whole body relaxant

Like every nerve was resting at the spaciousness and familiarity

The rustic, old-home beauty

My house had always been a little run-down

Un-maintained and unkept

Almost exactly the way I had left it

Like no time had gone by

I fancied it a castle, with its columns and courtyards

The balcony and passages

No. No house can compare

But I’m glad I had it for all those years

Love strum

To be able to roam around on a whim
Clouds and bird being the epitome of freedom
Always shaking my hand free of any restraint
To skip and dawdle and run

To do as I please with a mischievous grin
My eyes taunting and laughing at my mum
Telling her it’ll be okay and not to be so faint
To do nothing and everything and nothing and everything

To love someone to the brim
All the while knowing my adventures make him glum
A man of rules and constraint
To keep me safe and close and plum

To laugh at my fate of falling for such an antonym
All the while knowing my love has me strum
Yet always searching for his hand without taint
To love and to hold and to cherish

To tease him with my eyes as I skim
Clouds and birds being the epitome of freedom
Yet he being the colours, the strokes, the canvas to all I paint
To hold his hand as I skip and dawdle and run

There’s an alone only I know

And as I sit on the other side of the wall, unable to sleep from the bruises and the loneliness; to have you to close yet so far and indifferent. The bruises are getting slightly numb from the cold and I thought my feelings were too as I listened to your carefree laughter from the room. But as I type this, some tears spill free. Tears I had wanted to flow but that couldn’t make until I put these thoughts into written words.

Gazing at the snow capped mountains and the twinkling stars, I wonder why I ever forgot I was always actually alone. How had I let myself slip this far. And a new resolve simmers though I fear for its short lifespan because how can I be mad at the person I love with all my heart. Yes it hurts, I can’t sleep from the mental and physical pain, same as yesterday. But I had also just yesterday read a quote by Paulo Coelho that I told myself I would try to live by and learn be grateful.

Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.

And happy days I have had. So I shall smile and act as though nothing has changed and all is fine but deep down, I just rediscovered my long lost truth. I am alone. ~ 1706

I never knew I could trust

I never knew I could ever trust completely

Experience has taught me to expect anything

Did you know, I don’t even trust myself

I never knew feeling myself trust would be this terrifying

But I have knots in my stomach and if I think too much about it, I can’t breathe right

But I’ve never met anyone who kept their word like you

I don’t fancy myself a liar, but sometimes even I don’t mean what I say so completely, so literally

And as I question my own sincerity, I blink against your raw honesty

It’s dazzling, magnificent

I find myself having faith in it, trusting to put it mildly

I had well constructed solid walls that I can feel dissolving

But all good things end, and nothing lasts forever, I know this

I’m a woman of common sense, so this complete trust in another human confounds me

Not even my father always keeps his word or his story straight

That’s not fair, I know you’ve had your moments of hypocrisy

But you alway believe in what you say, fiercely

And I’ve joked that you shouldn’t be so quick to judge

But I’ve never met someone who means what they say as much as you

What a pleasant surprise to add to the list of reasons I love you

For I didn’t need reasons and yet here you are, blinding me in admiration

I’ve seen people change, people I thought I knew

I’ve vowed to not let anything surprise me

Years of pain engraving the lessons

And yet here I am, watching my heart slip

It was scary accepting the torrent of emotion I have for you

I didn’t even realise I was capable of this sort of trust

Yes, I have seen a lot and I know people are fickle

Yet here I am, coming to terms with a fresh realisation

I’m beginning to trust you completely

And with this I give you even more power

I dug my grave the moment I gave you a chance at my heart

You already had to the tools to end me

But with this, I’m not sure what’ll be left

I’ve tested you countless times and I still will

But now I’m no longer hoping you fail

What a silly fool.

Lost

And it’s as though each tragedy and miracle unhinges me a little more from reality.

I’ve been lost for a long time. But now I can’t even see the shore.

To describe it to another I would say it’s like floating. Where nothing is real, and dreams and ‘reality’ morph. Unable to tell which from which.

Moments where I have to literally wake myself up from the haze, blink and look around. Trying to ground myself. Endlessly trying to anchor and tell myself that this is where I am, this is reality.

Would you believe me if I say that’s been me since the last 3 years?

Would you believe me if I say, no one’s noticed?

I barely notice at times, I’m a highly functional mess after all.

The biggest problem is, I can’t find where the break is… is it the pain? Is it the betrayal? Is it the world shaking, mind numbing, incomprehensible events that have toyed with my feelings and uprooted my world time and time again?

I’m lost. That’s the only insight I have unto this mess.

I often wonder if it’s my adamant stance to stick to my beliefs, to want to believe them even though they’re the reason I’ve been pounded repeatedly.

I want to care, but as I lose myself, I find myself drifting. Being unable to do basic things.

I want to care and when I realise how laid back I’ve become I don’t recognise myself.

Too tired to make efforts. Too lost to pay attention. And therein lies most of the problem.

Neither here nor there.

Refusing to let go mentally when in reality by dissociation I guess I have.

And that makes me someone I do not want to be.

Huh.

Maybe that’s it.

What do I do about the pain though?

That’s a plan I can try. Take a deep breath and try to forget. Try to forgive.

It stings. My heart aches but I’ve been nursing it for so long maybe it’s time to stop babying it and retreating into myself.

Feeling sorry isn’t changing anything.

Denial only temporarily muffles the blow and regret can’t change facts..

I know all this.

But what choice do I have but to don the armour and go back to battle?

To be more conscious of my actions and not make excuses for myself.

To allow myself to accept the good without waiting for it to implode and add another scar.

I just want to wake up from the haze.

Doodling 0.0

Come home safe

Words can’t describe how I feel
Yet here I am, writing them down

Contentment, joy, bliss
Heart bursting love, aching worry

For all that we have, can be lost
Our days are numbered; months, days, years

Can I hold your hand for eternity?
Say nothing, do nothing, just stay here

Melt into your eyes
Keep you safe from the world

Words can’t describe how I feel
And here I am, trying to breathe right

Come home safe, come home fine
I’ll keep this pain to myself

You fight your battles
I’ll fight mine

Meet in the middle
Time after time

Words can’t describe how I feel
So here I am, praying to the Divine

Now or Never

Maybe I am a bit of an emotional wreck
I think with my heart first and last
Writing helping calm this anguished soul
Unable to escape the present and past

It’s all one and the same
These illusions of time never fooled I
But how do I convey the essence of now
To one who remains distant though I fail to fathom why

We’re getting too accustomed to being hurt by one another
Learning to live without
Learning to expect little
Learning to doubt

Have the years taught us nothing?
Are we really still running these same old dreary loops?
Time and time again
While our youth and love droops

I feel as though I have been impeccably clear
Though you have always evaded with a jeer
The ball’s in your court
I await your verdict with a tear

The clock is ticking
Now or never
And here we stand
As confused as ever

Your piece

Walking on the path back home
Recounting the day gone by,
Dwelling over your own special bits
While kicking stones with a sigh
You look up, taking in your street
Not as a person who belongs,
But as a person passing by
Appreciating  its uniqueness
Seeing it through a strangers eye
Your soul was chosen to live on this road
This was your own little story
The corner that was your piece of the sky
Everyone had their own fragment
Painting their world with a different dye
That is not to say
That those with the same piece
Would be sure to see eye to eye
For you see we each have our own past
Not just a facet of places
But a million things gone awry
An amalgam of emotions and history
That morph even the same places
To our own special piece of the sky

It’s not so easy to understand

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

How can I explain all I feel?
As though words can do a shadow of justice to this turmoil inside

It almost feels like a betrayal
Quantifying this overwhelming love I recognize

I know we don’t talk much
I don’t quite understand it myself but I can’t shake away this knowledge

Yes, I saw you
Though we were two blurs in the crowd, I saw each and every one of you

I’ve spent too much time worrying about you
Thinking of you as my own and now as I look back, it’s hard for me to stop

We may never have even talked
But your pain was and is my pain, and your happiness was and is my happiness

You are a part of me
Wherever our paths may take us, you always will be

Even now I’m blank
And these words I’ve managed to get out don’t do you much credit

I may have been merely a means
How sad am I to have let you all in my heart

Where you wreak havoc
Because I expect too much from people who don’t realize I have feelings too

The depth to which I care
Astounds and saddens me, fills me with love and joy, all at the same time

You weren’t just a duty
To me we were all akin to family

I wonder though
Whether I was merely a means. Whether you’ll miss me, as I will you

How pathetic am I?
I probably need therapy

If I said this to you
Oh how I wish I could in a way that you would understand

But I’m not good with words
And it’s not so easy to understand

Politics Politics Politics

I am so sick and tired of the things going on in college. I wonder if it’s unrealistic of me to want to avoid politics so much and to get frustrated and try to overcome them through dialogue but I can’t help it.

Perhaps it’s not politics but rather closed door politics and manipulation. *sigh* The way people go around lobbying and spreading disunity. I’m pretty sure you can lobby and get support and fight on your credentials the right way but this…. writing applications dripping with allegations and finding shady ways to snag votes, why? whyy?

Yes you can fight, but fight on merit, be fair. Understand that the point isn’t to get the post but to be the best person who can carry out the duties and responsibilities of that post. It’s not just a title, it’s a job.And regardless of whether or not you’re capable for the job or not, how you get it is still important. You shouldn’t just sweet talk teachers into cancelling elections and choosing you because you think you’re the most fit for the task. You shouldn’t secretly shift the voting pool so that you get an edge over your opponents. You shouldn’t use your father or friends connection with the higher ups to ensure you get chosen. Play fair and clean or don’t play because at the end of the day the society you fought to get the post in will suffer. People will resent you, they’ll be demotivated from working because clearly merit doesn’t count for anything, connections do. Since they didn’t choose you, they may not want to work with you and since they know how you got the post, they won’t respect you. You’ve created a negative atmosphere were people don’t feel like working or even being a part. You got what you wanted, but at what cost and to what end? It’s selfish.

Rigging positions is an abuse of power. Understand that. Until or unless you haven’t given everyone the chance to apply, clearly outlining the empty slots and time frame, you haven’t been fair. It is wrong. You fail as a leader. You are essentially a dictator and you don’t deserve to be given positions in which you can monopolize and abuse your power.

A generic argument but put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine you just wanted the opportunity to try and apply for a post but no one told you when the to apply. That the interviews were hush hush and only some select few favourites were told about them. Or that you wanted to apply and thought you were more than qualified but because you didn’t have connections so you didn’t get it. It’s not a reason but understand.

Healthy competition is important, and not getting what you want isn’t the end of the world. People can get over losing, but not if they feel cheated.

Still, one thing to keep in mind is that regardless of the post, it’s the mission that matters. To get things done, not necessarily to have your name on the door. And if you do get the post, please understand how heavy a burden that is. You can’t use it to be a dictator and make sweeping statements of ‘I’m ____________ and I say this is how it’s going to be’. Your job is collaboration, conflict resolution, management and empowerment. Don’t take that lightly. Transparent, open communication is important. Sometimes you may even have to do things that the majority want but you disagree with and that’s okay. It’s a give and take. You’re not here to enforce your will. You’re here to make sure there is cohesiveness and everyone is working at their maximum potential. Yes, you do get to make judgement calls, but you are answerable to your team for them. Recognize when pride clouds your judgement and realize that it isn’t a good enough justification for your actions.

Off the beaten road

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Off the beaten road, there’s a trail
Unkempt and wild, pulsating with potential
A story untold, take my hand
This is what makes life worth living darling

Apprehension

Don’t pretend to care
Don’t apologize
My heart is not a fickle thing
One day this, the other day that
If you beg for a chance, I may just grant it
Though know I, the torture I inflict
My very soul weighed down with the prospect
You see it’s dangerous
Opening myself up like that
But the weakling I am
All it takes is a few seemingly sincere words
And over time my feelings bloom and grow
Bit by bit
Slowly but surely
No amount of reigns
No amount of mirror talks
Naive all the way
I keep myself braced
For the pain of betrayal to engulf me all over again
It’s my fault really
I set the stage
Throw the oil
Ignite the flame, and pass it to you
If you mean to leave, leave
I don’t need this to and fro
If you mean to play, leave
I can’t handle games
Please be kind to me
I don’t know how much more I can handle
Before all hope is exiled
And I too silently die
Like all my age seem to inevitably do

You are the world

People often think being idealistic is impractical, that it’s either one of the two; idealism or realism. Very few things are that black and white, if any. Why can’t we be idealistic and realistic? Dream big, keep our hopes high and work towards making them a material reality?

Often the biggest hard core ‘realists’ were once in fact idealists. They did hope. They did dream. But when they were laughed at and mocked for their ideas they gave up. They didn’t try, they didn’t work. They accepted people’s words as the truth and joined their ranks; battering and tearing down those who still had the audacity to hope and dream. These new recruits can be an idealist’s biggest obstacle. These people never got the chance to realize their own dreams and seeing yours makes them feel like an even bigger failure. They see you, with ideas for a brighter future and envy your carefreeness. They see their past selves in you and wish they could still have hope in the word too. They point out flaws and setbacks, laugh at your naivety and try to make you be realistic so that they can validate themselves. If you fall off the bandwagon it affirms their belief that yes, there is no hope and they were right to give up.

Hopes and dreams are one thing. Basic human decency is another. We are the product of our experiences. You don’t get a say in the hand destiny deals you, but you do get a say in how you react to it. Our choices are always our own, as are the consequences. Some people who get hurt repeatedly become frustrated. They see the world going about as though nothing had happened, no one caring about their pain and wonder if maybe they’re too emotional.  They vow to not let anything get to them and grow cold and insensitive to the pain of other people too.
People who once trusted other people too easily and were betrayed begin abusing other people’s trust reasoning that that is simply how the world works. People who try to live honestly see their corrupt coworkers earning more, getting promoted and getting away with it and wonder why they’re even trying to be honest. Their colleagues come to the office late, waste time and no one says anything to them. They live comfortable lives while you’re putting yourself through hell and for what? No one’s watching, no one says anything, everyone does it. With this reasoning the honest forego their ideals and resign themselves to the status quo.

Now, change frames. Before, it was you who was getting mocked for your ideas, now you’re doing it to the next person. If the person gives up it was because of you. You were the representative of the world to that person. When someone is hurt and you see them going through the same thing you went through once, you have a choice, you can be cold and insensitive, like people were to you, or you can empathize and make sure the person knows they’re not alone. Again, you represent the world.
You betray someone’s trust; you teach them that the world doesn’t hold trust sacred, just like someone once did to you and someone may have done to them. Each person in the chain, changing the world forever through their actions. Same goes for corruption. Each person in that office thought they were making a decision for themselves, that it was normal. The fact is, they normalized it by accepting it; paving the way for all those to come.

There was a nice analogy of the world in a book I read. It went something like: ‘The world is like a cauldron and your actions, thoughts and ideas are the ingredients you get to add.’ –Forty Rules of Love, Elif Shafak.img_3395-2
Your actions and choices are your contributions to the lives of all the people you ever meet, even for a second. People make up the world. The world is made up of people. You are people to people just as they are people to you. Know this. A friendly wave, a smile, genuine concern, every minute small thing you do is how the world looks through someone else’s eyes. Know your power.

Don’t lose complete faith in the world, it’s the equivalent of losing faith in yourself. Use your struggles as fuel for hope; if you can stay a dreamer, emotional, trusting and honest, so can other people.

Keep dreaming.

Have faith in yourself.

You are the world.

Unsung heroes

I used to see posts with people appreciating Teuchi, the owner of Ichiraku Ramen and I would think it’s people being overly dramatic over such a side character in Naruto. Only now with the new theme ending in season 20 am I comprehending how completely amazing he was!

He was probably one of the first people who was actually compassionate towards Naruto. Naruto, whose childhood is heart breaking. An orphan who never knew his parents and was shunned by the village people because of the Nine Tails power inside him. The people of Konaha had lost many loved ones to the Nine Tails rampage and had associated the pain, fear and anger to Naruto, the child who merely carried the Nine Tails.

People would give him a wide berth on the streets, teach their kids not to talk or play or with him, chase him out of their shops and as if that wasn’t enough they would glare at him, sneer, call him a monster. The kid faced all this since he was born. Imagine it, a three year old, a four year old, running into a park to play with the other kids only to have their parents whisk them away. To see families walking around, mothers and fathers treating their kids, worrying about them, carrying them on their shoulders or swinging from their arms and all he could do was look on and wonder why he didn’t have parents. Naruto grew up confused and lonely, yearning for people to see him, acknowledge him, to be his friends.

When you watch the closing clip and see young three year old Naruto peeking into Ichiraku from behind the wall and jumping up in fear when Teuchi spots him, it breaks your heart. To see such fear in his eyes because he’s so used to being shunned haunts you. No child should be made to feel like that. An outsider to the world with no claims to love and compassion from people.

Teuchi invited Naruto inside and gave him a bowl of hot ramen. It became the first place Naruto could go to and feel welcome. A place where people smiled at him, greeted him when he came in. Teuchi would often treat Naruto to free meals on special occasions, share his sorrows and success, ask him about his day.

People like this are the unsung heroes in this world. Their kindness is truly something to aspire to. He gave Naruto the love every kid deserves when no one else could care less. I cannot begin to explain how much I admire him. You can see how surprised Naruto is that the ramen is actually for him and then the smile that lights up his face is priceless. Children should always be smiling like that.

We need to be people like Teuchi from Ichiraku Ramen. Who see and help the people who need it most despite the prejudice around us. They’re the true warriors, the heroes that don’t get enough appreciation for what they do. It doesn’t take much. A kind word, a listening ear and some sincerity. Sincerity and love are all that people want, and orphans deserve it the most. You have no idea how it is to live without parents. To think you’re all alone in the world. Love isn’t confined for family, it’s for every one.

Understand people’s situation and don’t just feel bad for them. Share their pain. Do something, however small. It makes a huge difference.

Day 14

By chance I’ve been watching random crash courses on planets, brown dwarfs (cool almost-stars), moons and what not and in almost every video the host is excited about the prospect of planets/moons with water having life on them. Like Europa, Titan, this other moon whose name I don’t remember seem like big possibilities to him because they have flowing water under their surface(not to mention volcanoes that erupt water)

Hence the current scientific belief is that for life you need water, just like this Ayat tells us. Not like science is the standard for comparison but nevertheless, it’s intriguing which is exactly the purpose of the Ayat. For us to marvel at and wonder. The Quran wasn’t revealed to give us scientific discoveries or details but to inspire us to look around in awe, no matter what our educational background. Hence this Ayat speaks out to every human, on multiple levels relative to their understanding of the world.

Note: Ayat means verse from the Holy Quran.

It wasn’t just my fault

The double meanings
The subtle hints
They can’t be entirely fictitious
They were most definitely there

Here I was frustrated
Here I was shocked
That I was wrong for so many years
That my delusions had soared that far

Why twist me in such knots?
Why drag it on so long?
Worst part is, I wonder if it was unconscious
Worst part is, I’m still making your excuses

I am so completely drained
I am so completely done
The answer is no clearer
The answer is I must answer

Hell to the no.