I never knew I could ever trust completely
Experience has taught me to expect anything
Did you know, I don’t even trust myself
I never knew feeling myself trust would be this terrifying
But I have knots in my stomach and if I think too much about it, I can’t breathe right
But I’ve never met anyone who kept their word like you
I don’t fancy myself a liar, but sometimes even I don’t mean what I say so completely, so literally
And as I question my own sincerity, I blink against your raw honesty
It’s dazzling, magnificent
I find myself having faith in it, trusting to put it mildly
I had well constructed solid walls that I can feel dissolving
But all good things end, and nothing lasts forever, I know this
I’m a woman of common sense, so this complete trust in another human confounds me
Not even my father always keeps his word or his story straight
That’s not fair, I know you’ve had your moments of hypocrisy
But you alway believe in what you say, fiercely
And I’ve joked that you shouldn’t be so quick to judge
But I’ve never meant someone who means what they say as much as you
What a pleasant surprise to add to the list of reasons I love you
For I didn’t need reasons and yet here you are, blinding me in admiration
I’ve seen people change, people I thought I knew
I’ve vowed to not let anything surprise me
Years of pain engraving the lessons
And yet here I am, watching my heart slip
It was scary accepting the torrent of emotion I have for you
I didn’t even realise I was capable of this sort of trust
Yes, I have seen a lot and I know people are fickle
Yet here I am, coming to terms with a fresh realisation
I’m beginning to trust you completely
And with this I give you even more power
I dug my grave the moment I gave you a chance at my heart
You already had to the tools to end me
But with this, I’m not sure what’ll be left
I’ve tested you countless times and I still will
But now I’m no longer hoping you fail
What a silly fool.
And it’s as though each tragedy and miracle unhinges me a little more from reality.
I’ve been lost for a long time. But now I can’t even see the shore.
To describe it to another I would say it’s like floating. Where nothing is real, and dreams and ‘reality’ morph. Unable to tell which from which.
Moments where I have to literally wake myself up from the haze, blink and look around. Trying to ground myself. Endlessly trying to anchor and tell myself that this is where I am, this is reality.
Would you believe me if I say that’s been me since the last 3 years?
Would you believe me if I say, no one’s noticed?
I barely notice at times, I’m a highly functional mess after all.
The biggest problem is, I can’t find where the break is… is it the pain? Is it the betrayal? Is it the world shaking, mind numbing, incomprehensible events that have toyed with my feelings and uprooted my world time and time again?
I’m lost. That’s the only insight I have unto this mess.
I often wonder if it’s my adamant stance to stick to my beliefs, to want to believe them even though they’re the reason I’ve been pounded repeatedly.
I want to care, but as I lose myself, I find myself drifting. Being unable to do basic things.
I want to care and when I realise how laid back I’ve become I don’t recognise myself.
Too tired to make efforts. Too lost to pay attention. And therein lies most of the problem.
Neither here nor there.
Refusing to let go mentally when in reality by dissociation I guess I have.
And that makes me someone I do not want to be.
Maybe that’s it.
What do I do about the pain though?
That’s a plan I can try. Take a deep breath and try to forget. Try to forgive.
It stings. My heart aches but I’ve been nursing it for so long maybe it’s time to stop babying it and retreating into myself.
Feeling sorry isn’t changing anything.
Denial only temporarily muffles the blow and regret can’t change facts..
I know all this.
But what choice do I have but to don the armour and go back to battle?
To be more conscious of my actions and not make excuses for myself.
To allow myself to accept the good without waiting for it to implode and add another scar.
I just want to wake up from the haze.
Maybe I am a bit of an emotional wreck
I think with my heart first and last
Writing helping calm this anguished soul
Unable to escape the present and past
It’s all one and the same
These illusions of time never fooled I
But how do I convey the essence of now
To one who remains distant though I fail to fathom why
We’re getting too accustomed to being hurt by one another
Learning to live without
Learning to expect little
Learning to doubt
Have the years taught us nothing?
Are we really still running these same old dreary loops?
Time and time again
While our youth and love droops
I feel as though I have been impeccably clear
Though you have always evaded with a jeer
The ball’s in your court
I await your verdict with a tear
The clock is ticking
Now or never
And here we stand
As confused as ever
Don’t pretend to care
My heart is not a fickle thing
One day this, the other day that
If you beg for a chance, I may just grant it
Though know I, the torture I inflict
My very soul weighed down with the prospect
You see it’s dangerous
Opening myself up like that
But the weakling I am
All it takes is a few seemingly sincere words
And over time my feelings bloom and grow
Bit by bit
Slowly but surely
No amount of reigns
No amount of mirror talks
Naive all the way
I keep myself braced
For the pain of betrayal to engulf me all over again
It’s my fault really
I set the stage
Throw the oil
Ignite the flame, and pass it to you
If you mean to leave, leave
I don’t need this to and fro
If you mean to play, leave
I can’t handle games
Please be kind to me
I don’t know how much more I can handle
Before all hope is exiled
And I too silently die
Like all my age seem to inevitably do
The double meanings
The subtle hints
They can’t be entirely fictitious
They were most definitely there
Here I was frustrated
Here I was shocked
That I was wrong for so many years
That my delusions had soared that far
Why twist me in such knots?
Why drag it on so long?
Worst part is, I wonder if it was unconscious
Worst part is, I’m still making your excuses
I am so completely drained
I am so completely done
The answer is no clearer
The answer is I must answer
Hell to the no.
Fact is, the more you dwell the more insurmountable it seems.
I’ve been kind of obsessing again lately. All the things I wish were different, the whole ‘if only’ streak. It’s hard letting go of something you thought was the truth all those years. You wonder and you wonder of ways in which you could be wrong now just to justify your past delusion; but you have to accept it and work from that.
My coping mechanism for a terrible world is sleep. To just lay in bed, curl up with a layer of blanket hugging me and just drift off. So that’s been me the past couple of days. I caught myself mid process just now, realizing what I was doing and thought I’d write about it. Come up with a motivating solution. It could help.
Pity parties just come naturally to me. One thing gone wrong and I spiral into a vast ocean of all things to go wrong ever and how life sucks, and I do too kind of. Not everything is the end of the world. I should know that as well as all those unfortunate people out there who have the same tendency.
One great example is how I got a tad depressed over my siblings and cousins going out to a new eatery while I was out of town. It sounds like a small thing but my mind blew it wayy out of proportion and I was hugely down for a couple of hours. Turns out (I found out a few days later) that they never even went, they simply walked in, sat down and walked out. So I basically obsessed over nothing and ruined part of a pretty good day.
So what shall I do now? The problem at hand isn’t exactly small by any measure, objectively or especially subjectively. And what really has me pensive is wondering if I should be doing something. But I can’t think of anything. I’m at a stalemate and what I really want to do is leave it to destiny.
It sounds weak but I think sometimes it’s okay. When you can’t think of any plausible solution, when you’ve been deluded for years, and when you have indeed tried your best. Destiny is destiny, you work hard but at the end of the day whether you work or not, you get what you get. Try as hard as you can and leave the rest to God.
You can’t ever predict your life. Some things are up to fate. Try not to life pass you by while you obsess because that will happen, and it will happen without you even realizing it. Plus self pity gives you an excuse to go easy on yourself. ‘It’s okay if you didn’t give your porject 100%, shit was happening’ or ‘So what you weren’t there for your friend, you were going through your own hell’. *sigh* I’ve been guilty of both and a lot more the past year.
It’s easy to let yourself off. But time doesn’t come back. It’s not fair to you, or those around you. You’ll regret wasting so much energy on something you couldn’t have done anything about. All the mental tension and strain, how it influenced your life, will all have been for naught. Live your life and give things your 100%; no excuses. Leave to fate things you can not control. Breathe. It will be fine.
Breathe. Focus on the present.
Maybe tis as they say
Thee soul yearns for angst
Yet ache it does
Ache it does
To discourse casually through this pain
Thee heart is weak
Yet thou is needed
Thou is loved
Thy name is enough to set thee aflutter
Not a fan of confrontation
Yet what does thou know?
What does thou think?
Drowning in the regrets and what ifs
Thee wounds run deep
Yet is it too late?
Can we clean the slate?
Been ages since I wrote anything…. been contemplating to start for a week before I actually made it back here.
It’s just that my Facebook is getting crowded, Twitter too a bit.
Well my insecurities are growing alarmingly fast. I hate how I don’t feel like talking most of the time, but I want to be heard and matter at the same time. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t want to be an attention freak…I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just want to matter, my opinion to matter. Worst part is, I don’t think it matters myself how can other people?
And as if I didn’t have enough insecurities all these thoughts make me hate myself even more. *sigh*
I just want to go to a new place and start over. Or I just want to go to a jungle, desert, mountain, lake anywhere and just get lost in nature and see who I actually am. I feel like myself only when I’m alone or think I’m alone, the former being when I’m alone somewhere and the latter when I’m someplace new and no one knows me and I can say and do as I please.
Maybe I’m just a born loner.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this here…it’s public…but I want to. A bit.
I wonder how people can be so carefree… be quick at making decisions and be sure of themselves.
Is it so bad to live in a fantasy world? What even is reality? What if you just took some facts from the ‘real’ world and molded them into you’re fantasy? Plausible deniability.
Ok wait what even is reality? I mean we hardly ever have all the hard facts anyway. We have a few and we deduce the rest. Is it reality when you’re deductions are cynical and a fantasy when you dream for beautiful things. Other people will say so. They’ll say you’re lining yourself up for disappointment, sure that may be possible, but what you think will happen isn’t going to affect what will happen. So at least the moment till the truth hits is magical. Whereas for the realists it’s bleak. The end will be the same. (Though Noetic Science suggests our thoughts affect the outcome, just saying) What if the end was great? You didn’t waste your time and mood in worry. If it didn’t work out, well for a moment you thought it would, you had hope. Worry cripples you, hope paints a picture that adds a skip to your step. Life’s too short to spend all that time worrying and anticipating the worst.
I’ve been depressed for so long I got sick of it. I choose my fantasy. The world where I will travel across the globe. The world where I can start an orphanage and school. The world where I can be a book author. The world where the little things don’t bug me so much. The world where I can make a difference. The world where adventures are real not just in books. The world where anything is possible.
I’m a very nostalgic person. Someone who looks back and wishes she had more time. Sometimes impatient with the present while comparing it to the past. But as I mentioned in a previous post I found a little idea on how not to let it bother me so much. It goes along the lines of,’ at least it happened’. You know, at least I have those memories to cherish, what if I never had them? I wouldn’t trade them. You can draw strength from the good times to get through the bad.
Isn’t it amazing how you had such a good time in the past you can’t stand the present? It’s a credit to your past. And come on, you can’t have it good all the way through life. Through the present, let the past power the light in your eyes and the brightness of your smile.
Spread the love. Keep yourself happy. Brighten up other people’s world with your optimism too. Happiness is a state of mind you make for yourself. If you want to be sad you’ll find a thousand reasons, if you want to be happy you’ll find a thousand reasons. Depends what you’re looking for.
Reality usually has loopholes.
Heart aching ever so slightly
Pangs that came before,and now and then
Too painful to take lightly
Too inconsequential to take out a pen
What is has always been
Futile thoughts swimming, before,now and then
Too imposing to be left unseen
Too daunting to face therein
They said I was smart
Practicality never seemed more far-fetched
Too subjective to let emotions part
Too strung to dream of getting unlatched
Fact of the matter is I like it
I am my choices, I am my hopes
Too dreamy to leave it
Too caught up to mope
Heart enlightened with discovery
An independent soul in it’s own world
Too joyous at it’s own inventory
Too happy the idea got sold
Honey it’s GOLD. 😀
And our eyes danced.
A setback is nothing
With the wind on your face
With the smell of rain
With your eyes to the sky
With your heart alight
Tears brushed away
With a hysterical laugh
With a unbodied mind
Life less daunting
With thoughts of some things
With thoughts of everything
With a soul full of love
With a soul ready
Bring it on
Is it enough?
Is it too much?
To ask how you are
To remember the dates
Is it too intense?
Am I coming off strong?
Part of me wants to hold back
Part of me pushes on
Am I taken for granted?
Do you really care?
I feign nonchalance
My insides squirming
Are you upset?
Are you OK?
Worry eats at me
The act doesn’t last long
How are you?
Am I annoying?
I can’t let go
I can’t loosen the reigns
What are you going through?
Can I help?
I cling to our memories
Drawing strength from their strength
Is it enough?
Is it too much?
Thoughts running amuck
I’m sorry I can’t be more cool
I’m sorry I’m such a fool
I have a pretty bleak outlook on life sometimes. You might know it; it’s the one where you don’t really see the point in anything because you’re just like ‘ we’re all going to die anyway’. Or you can’t enjoy anything because it’s all so predictable. There’s the other outlook as well, where all you can think of is what might have been, how much you miss your friends, the old carefree times, how you’re not where you wanted to be in life, doubting your dreams etc.
Yeap, I go down that lane often. Too often. But today I had a thought. I miss my granddad, I miss my friends, but what if I’d never had those moments with them? The memories I cling to and cherish? Where would I be without them? WHO would I be without them? Looking back on those moments I shouldn’t fall on my knees in misery, I shouldn’t hug pillows to my chest and try to cover the gaping hole in my heart. I should remember and be grateful that fate had smiled on me so warmly. That I had had such a great granddad, that I had been so fortunate as to have had such awesome friends.
Looking back, take a deep breath and feel the euphoria. All those memories, all those people, they are with you. No one can take those times away from you. When you think that life is predictable, wake up and smell the sweet summer air because life is anything but predictable. That’s the beauty of it. No matter how sure you are, you’re wrong.
Yes, yes we’re all going to die, but does that mean we can’t have some fun before we go? That we can’t enjoy these things called emotions, that if allowed, can wreak havoc on our minds in the most beautiful of ways? Don’t buffer the love inside you, let other people feel it too. Don’t let the hate and jealousy fester inside of you, reason with it. It’s one thing to be realistic, it’s another to know the cold hard facts, and to play with them.
Be grateful for what you had, never lose hope that there won’t be more. If the current circumstances aren’t working for you, it’s OK to indulge in your memories of better times, it’s not living in the past, it’s finding a way to get through the present.
Time’s gone by
We never saw it passing
Each second with you guys
Taken for granted
Now with this gaping hole between us
My heart drops as the days pass on
Yearning for your company
For our souls to meet again
To think, there was a time
When you were all there
At the same place
At the same time
I won’t lie, I’ve fantasized about crimes
The world has me desperate
Fate has me frustrated
Tears brim behind my eyes
Your love gives me strength
Crumbling me at the same time
I’ll fight days, weeks, years
With the hope that we
We shall meet once again
All of us, at the same place
At the same time
You know that moment before you go on stage, in front of a crowd of strangers, and your stomach churns your insides, gnawing at you and making you feel like you have heart burn? Have you ever wondered why? Is it because you think your going to trip in your heels? That you’ll be speechless and people will laugh?
I had to give a speech tonight. It was my graduation, and well I didn’t HAVE to give it, but I wanted to. Even though the very thought gave me mini panic attacks and nausea. I’m actually not THAT shy of crowds, especially a crowd of strangers, I mean what are they going to do? Laugh? Laugh all they want I’ll never see them again. But my parents make me nervous. It’s probably my inherent need to please them that makes me want to be good, and I’m not good hence the panic. But well I wanted to give the speech because it was my graduation, I wanted the experience and the adrenaline. I’ve been cooped up at home for ages, which might explain why people now make me nervous. Even so I gave the speech. *rolls eyes* I only realized afterwards how utterly arrogant it was but alas nothing can be done now except to improve my future speeches. Anyway it went OK. I faltered a bit on the second paragraph but I got back into the flow a little towards the middle.
My best friend Shafia Elahi has a brother Abdul Rehman who has this awesome motto ‘If your afraid of it, do it’. Beautiful right. I don’t know if it’s original but whatever the case it’s a pretty cool motto. It would make life fun right? Full of a kind of thrill. Keeping morals in check that is. You could accomplish so much if every time you got scared, instead of hitting the deck you embraced the fear head on. Easier said than done, but it’s worth a shot. Seriously though, we give other people too much credit, everyone gets nervous,its not the end of the world. Anyone can look confident but be weak inside, and its OK. Give people a break, as well as yourselves. We are not perfect, we are humans. Chill and next time your scared, hit the adrenaline.